Caustic Comments

Hello! I hope everyone has had an absolutely splendidly fantastic week, tantamount only to the thought of "Hunger Games: The Musical."

Just a couple of quick reminders: Part of the proceeds from all copies of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" will go to benefit the efforts of SpokAnimal!

So if you want to feel good about a book purchase, know that you're helping feed puppies and kittens, and providing spay and neuter services for the pets of low-income families.

Also, if you are wanting signed copies of either book, for yourself or a friend, you can find out how here.

All right, onwards!

I am a bit of a gym-rat. I am there almost every single day. I own more pairs of workout pants and shorts than I do normal pants and shorts. I can tell you what my top kettlebell swing weight is (Russian or American, kilograms and pounds).

What constantly shocks me is the comments that I get from guys, as a female, while working out seem only to get more stupid by the week.

I feel like a lot of the comments that I, and other gym going girls, get, are things that seem like they should obviously not be said. However, since I have gotten all of these at one point or another (most of them even this week), apparently they need to be said yet again.

So guys listen up, because these are the things guys (and really anyone) need to stop saying to girls at the gym:

1. "How much weight have you lost? Because you look better now."

It doesn't matter if she's lost two pounds or two hundred pounds, this is not a comment a girl wants to hear. 

Okay, I'm going to play Devil's Advocate and assume you meant that as a compliment. However, what you basically said is, "You weren't attractive before when you had a little extra weight on you, but now that you're thinner..."

Believe it or not, most women don't go to the gym so random guys can track their weight loss or fitness levels. I know this is a novel concept, some of us do it so we can become healthier for ourselves. 

And yes, we will tell you where you can go and what stationary bike you can ride on to get there.

2. "Are you sure you want to lift that much? You might get bulky..."

*Points to the point made above.*

I hate to break it to you, but women are not working out at the gym to fit into some random guy's fantasy of what a fit woman should look like. We're doing it so we can be healthy.

Also, some of us just don't have enough craps to give about possibly being "bulky."

3. "You're not doing that right, let me help you..."

 Why thank you kind professional personal trainer taking time out of your busy day to... Wait, you're not a professional personal trainer?

Oh, and you actually have no idea that due to my being female I have to modify certain lifts because they don't make certain weight equipment conducive to a female figure?

You think my grip on the 45 lbs dumbbell is odd for a bicep curl? How about the fact that if I hold it at the normal angle I will end up with giant bruises on my boobs thanks to the giant plates the manufacturers unnecessarily put on them?

You think my feet are at the wrong angle for a squat? Well after blowing out my knee a few years ago I was instructed by doctors to use a modified stance so I wouldn't re-injure it.

So, in the ten seconds you've seen me lift you just assumed everything I was doing was wrong, instead of assuming I perhaps understand my own body better than you might? 

Did we, as women, ask for your unsolicited advice? No? Then don't give it, and stop touching us!

4. "You know this is the free weight area, right? The weight machines are over there..."

Really!? Wow, that's what all those big lumps of metal and moving parts are!? Heck, I just wandered over here on accident while looking for a giant pink yoga ball to sit and bounce on.

Seriously, guys, women lift. Some of us lift more than you. Get over yourselves.

5. "You shouldn't do <Insert Name of Lift>, it's not good for your lady parts."

Yes, I have had this said about multiple types of lifts, and by multiple males.

I was unaware that random guys at the gym had any reason to be concerned about my reproductive organs. If only they cared this much when we need help paying for birth control.

Also, side note: Lifting does not hurt our 'lady parts,' that's like saying that doing cardio is going to hurt a guy's sperm count.

6. "You lift a lot for a girl."

Nope! That sentence was three words too long.

I don't "lift a lot for a girl." I just "lift a lot." Period.

7. "You come here often?" (Or really any pick-up line)

I'm lifting heavy things, sweat is pouring down my face like Niagra Falls and I have headphones in.

What part of this visual screams, "Hit on me!?" because really all it makes us want to do is hit on you... with a barbell. 

So what can you say to women at the gym? Okay, picture what you would say to your friend who is a guy at the gym. Now, weed out all the comments about hot girls, and try those. In other words, treat us like people instead of your new gym goal.

I would love to hear any other fun comments people get at the gym! 

As always I can be found on Facebook, Twitter (@Allison Hawn) and Goodreads!

Finding Motivation Through the Turkey

Hello! I hope everyone had a wonderful tryptophan filled Thanksgiving!

Mine was full of friends, a puppy, games of pool, football and a cracker dip that I swear had crack added to it.

I of course celebrated Thanksgiving night in the traditional way, with an absolute food coma. I won't disturb you with a picture of myself in my food coma state as it was not a pretty picture. Instead enjoy this food coma reenactment with a corgi puppy:

As the day before yesterday was Black Friday (which I am proud to say I did not even attempt to partake in), marking the official start of the crazed holiday shopping season, I feel it an appropriate time for a little bit of a shameless plug.

If you're looking for a fun, bizarre and entertaining gift for this Christmas (or whatever holiday you choose to celebrate) Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus is sure to pleasantly bemuse even the most humorless person in your life!

Also, money from every copy of the book sold in the month of November and December will go to support the YWCA in its efforts to fight racism, help victims of domestic violence and empower communities for social justice.

Well I spent Black Friday in my traditional way, sitting in my apartment, watching cheesy movies and writing!

The only time I left my abode was to go to the gym in an effort to burn off a bit of the Thanksgiving stuffing. I was pleased to see the gym bustling with new faces who were probably there attempting to do the same thing.

I have been going to the gym on a daily basis for over five years now, and I've noticed, no matter where I'm living or what gym I'm in, there tends to be a surge of new gym attendees every year about this time.

The gym boom usually starts right after Thanksgiving, growing in numbers through Christmas, reaching its peak right after New Years, when the Resolutioners show up, and tapers off around February. 

I'm not going to lie, getting into a workout routine and sticking to it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, but it has been absolutely worth it. Am I model thin? Oh hell no! But I am healthier and stronger for it. It genuinely makes me sad when I see the tapering off that happens in February.

I really want to encourage those who find themselves this season in the struggle to start exercising, either for the first time in their life, or after a long break. Which is why this week's post is devoted to the lessons I learned when I started regularly attending the gym, which I hope will help some of you stick to your gym-bound goals.

1. Do not start out trying to conquer the entire gym.

Seriously, take it easy and slowly work your way into it. No one starts out day one at the gym able to do three-hundred pound squats. The result of overdoing it on your first day will most likely be you walking this:

And having no motivation to go back to the gym ever again.

2. Set clear and realistic goals.

What do you want to accomplish by your excursions into fitness land? Be specific. The more specific your goals, the more likely you are to truly pursue them.

You want to lose weight? How much? You want to be stronger? How many pounds more do you want to be able to lift? Be as specific as you can. It's a lot easier to shoot for, "I'd like to be able to bicep curl 45 pounds, " than, "I'd like to be stronger."

 Also, try not to make these body-based goals. What I mean by that is while, "I want to be able to have abs like Ryan Reynolds," is a nice goal to have, it's also one that is based not on fitness, but on appearances.

I have a bad knee that hurts when I do basically anything. My goal when I got back to the gym was to be able to run one mile consecutively without my knee giving out. I was able to progressively work towards that goal, and now I run as part of my daily workout. Am I graceful gazelle on the Serengeti? Nope! But I can run without excruciating pain.

3. Remember that change happens over time, not immediately.

There is no magic wand for fitness, though dear heavens I wish it existed. It all takes work. So don't be discouraged if you don't look like Emma Stone after two workouts, keep at it!

4. Don't dwell on missed days.

If you haven't worked out for three days, don't let that turn into three years. Accept that you have missed a few days, and resolve to not make it four days.

5. Don't compare yourself to others at the gym

Believe it or not those super fit people you see at the gym did not just wake up one morning looking like they belonged in underwear ads. That is why they are here too.

True fitness takes on all shapes and sizes. I am short and definitely no skinny-mini, but I can high pull 140 pounds at 10 reps, power squat 165 pounds for 20 reps and can spend 20 minutes on the rowing machine at 100 percent resistance rowing a 2:30 min/500 m pace.

Your body's definition of fit is going to look totally different than the person in the gym right next to you, so don't try to compare.

6. Find a workout buddy or a class to go to.

It's a lot harder to skip out on workouts when you have a scheduled time to go and someone who can guilt trip you into going.

If you do decide to start taking a fitness class, make sure it's one you enjoy. If you choose to do Zumba and you hate dancing, you will last approximately half a class before deciding you have better things to do with your time.

I've also found social workout tracking sites, such as Fitocracy to be hugely helpful in staying motivated. Plus, they help you see the progress you're making, which is just awesome. 

7. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Seriously, I've been going to the gym consistently for five years now and there is still some equipment that I have no idea what it's used for. There is a reason that gym employees exist, if you don't know what something is, or if something will work well for you, then ask. Don't spend hours of time pointlessly doing something that will do you little to no good.

8. Get rid of your excuses.

There are a million and one reasons not to go to the gym. I'm sore, I'm tired, I ate too many nachos and now I feel gassy, I just don't want to...

Stop! Just stop! Stop thinking of the gym as a chore and instead think of it as an investment in your own health, longevity and happiness. Even if you work out from home for twenty minutes a day you are still doing something that is going to help you live a better life. So what excuse can trump that?

Well, I hope some of this helps! What are some things that you've found useful in obtaining your own fitness goals?

Remember, if you want to follow my adventures I can be found on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads.

Thou Shalt Not Sweat on Me!

Hello all you lovely, splendid people! Just a quick update, it appears that “Life is a Circus Run 

by a Platypus,” is on track to be released on May 20 on Amazon.com (followed closely by 

several other venues)! As soon as I have an official link I will post it here faster than a 

greased bunny can be slid across a linoleum floor!

In other news, I have an author Facebook page set up now. Feel free to look me up under 

"Allison Hawn" and keep up to date on news about the book. 

That aside, here is another scribbling from my “Ooooh Squirrel!” brain.

I am a bit of a gym rat, mostly by necessity. I have a genetic make-up that means that if I 

even stare longingly at a piece of cheesecake for too long, I will suddenly pack on some 

extra curves. For this reason, I spend, at the very least, an hour in the gym every day. 

This means over a several year span I have gotten to witness some of the most bizarre/useless 

behavior ever perpetrated around a set of weights. Frankly I'd be willing to leave most of these 

things alone, but when you see them day after day, sometimes you just feel compelled to 

smack certain individuals with a starfish. 

Since I do not have easy access to a starfish and would probably be arrested for assault with 

deadly brainless sea creature, I will instead just write some of the things I have noticed here.  

These are my 10 Gym Commandments. If I could etch them in stone I would (but I learned I 

really should not be given a chisel and a hammer a long time ago).  

Note: I am not a doctor, personal trainer or coordinated tango instructor. I am currently a fitness 

instructor, though, if that counts for anything? As always you should talk to your doctor, 

significant other, best friend, Oprah and a therapist before starting any new exercise plan.  

1. Thou shalt not believe that sitting on gym equipment will magically slim thee. 

I realize that this is a disappointment to many (including myself). The gym has an aura of 

fitness and health to it; however, to contribute and partake in the aura one actually does have to 

move. 

This means that if someone sits on the cable row machine for 20 minutes and does only one 

five-pound repetition, that person is not in fact working out. What that individual is doing 

instead is blocking everyone else in the gym from using the thing that he or she has converted 

into the gym version of a home recliner. The gym, sadly, is not magic.  

2. Thou must not only move, thou must sweat, push and exert thyself. 

Just because one is sitting and bouncing on a yoga ball does not mean one is working out. 

Sadly, I see a lot of females do this.  Doing crunches, dumbbell presses and weighted mermaids 

on a yoga ball are all legitimate exercises. Having a conversation about your nails while doing 

the same movement a 3 year old does in their bouncy chair is not getting you anywhere, 

cupcake.  

3. Thou shalt NEVER mock others in the gym based on their physical appearance.  

Yes, some of us are twigs, some of us are bulky, some of us are, dare I say this word, fat. It 

doesn't matter; everyone has a place in the gym. The fact is that no other person can ever know 

what someone else is capable of, and so verbally disparaging them is just plain dumb. 

I have seen tiny guys do sets of 30 weighted pull-ups, seen full-figured women run faster 

than I could ever imagine going, and I have seen a 300 pound man sustain yoga poses that 

make my limbs hurt just thinking about them. Don't judge, everyone has the right to 

work out just as much as everyone else does.  

4. Thou shalt not believe the weight area is only for males. 

More times than I can count at this point, I have had some hot-shot guy swagger up to me 

while I'm lifting and make some comment about how, "Women should not be in the weight 

area." 

I have no problem then, in front of each one of his friends and girlfriends, lifting twice as 

much as he does, turning and saying, "You're right, we should not be in the weight area, 

we might make you look bad." 

Women are tough, period.  

5. Thou shalt not be self-defeating at the gym. 

I bring up this example because, to my count, I have now seen it five times. I see a person 

on a treadmill (good), going at the slowest possible pace the machine can go (not as good), 

drinking a soda (*thunks head on desk* bad). 

If one consumes more calories while working out than one actually burns, then what purpose 

did going to the gym serve? 

These are the same people who talk on their cellphones, at decibels that could be felt in 

space, about how they are working out, but they never seem to lose any weight. Really, 

Sherlock, weight loss is being elusive?  Come on, let's examine the clues and maybe we can 

solve this mystery.  

6. Thou shalt be conscious of other gym patrons. 

This means one should not pick up weights and then just stand in front of the weight rack 

doing bicep curls. Believe it or not, other people would like to weight lift too, and standing 

there like one of the giant stone pillars of Stonehenge, creates a bit of a deterrent. 

This also means that one should not take eight sets of weights and claim that one is using them 

all.  The only one who can make that claim is an octopus. I realize that some people have things 

like ladder drills or circuits that they want to do and that is fine. But one really does not need to 

monopolize half the weight rack to accomplish one’s goal, I promise.  

7. Thou shalt put it back where thou found it. 

As much as I love scavenger hunts, spending 10 minutes hunting for the 40 pound dumbbells 

only to discover that someone has kindly hidden them behind the foam rollers is somewhat less 

charming than the childhood counterpart of that game. The gym staff are not mothers or 

magical weight fairies; everyone needs to pick up after himself or herself.  

8. Thou shalt wear clothing to the gym. 

I cannot describe the endless parade of things that I see at the gym that make me wonder, 

"Did your mommy forget to lay out your clothes for you this morning?" 

Sweatpants with holes in the crotch (sometimes with underwear underneath, sometimes 

without), shirts that have the sides cut out (so we can see the side of one's abs, as what is left 

of the shirt precariously slips towards getting caught in the machine), shorts that one has to 

stare at for a minute so one can verify they are not a belt and spandex that has been stretched 

so tight that it now has all the coverage ability of tinted saran wrap should probably only be 

worn in the privacy of one's own home. 

9. Thou shalt not hit on other gym patrons with dogged persistence. 

No, you can't buy me a drink. Why? Because this is a gym, not a bar, and I am working 

out, and this is not a date. 

It's fine to flirt, say hi or strike up a conversation with someone at the gym. However, I 

once had a guy sit and stare at me for 20 minutes on the rowing machine before asking 

if I, "Wanted to go out to see the back of his truck." 

Nope! Everyone, guys and girls, can agree, we like our gyms creeper free.  

10. Thou shalt not believe thou's sweat is magical. 

This means that if one leaves a giant puddle of sweat on the machine one just used, 

and then one decides not to use the handy-dandy free paper towels and sanitizer to wipe 

it up, I will look at that individual like she or he just barbequed a puppy. 

Do you want to sit in a puddle of a random stranger's sweat? No? Then why on the 

earth would anyone want to wade through a puddle of yours? No one’s sweat is exempt 

from the grossness factor, wipe it up! 

All that being said, what are the most ridiculous things all of you have seen at the gym?