Weighing In

Well greetings ya'll, I hope you are all enjoying the long weekend and that no one has lit themselves on fire with a barbecue yet (I only say these things because I care... and because if you did light yourself on fire I want pictures).

I want to remind all of you who will be in Spokane that I will be having a book signing for Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus at Monkeyboy Books from 1 to 3 pm on June 8th. So, if you are anywhere in the near vicinity, feel free to stop by and say hello!

I had someone recently ask me about my opinion on the comment that Abercrombie and Fitch's CEO, Mike Jeffries, made to the media. I decided that instead of going into a red-faced rant of little Scottish woman rage in their presence, I would alternatively sit down, have a cup of tea and put my thoughts here.

If you haven't heard the inflammatory remark made by Mike Jeffries that has lit up the internet like a 10,000 watt string of Christmas lights in the past couple of weeks, here it is again for you, “In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids. Candidly, we go after the cool kids…. A lot of people don’t belong in our clothes, and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely."

However, if you look at Abercrombie and Fail's advertising it's apparent even the "cool kids" don't belong in their clothing either, because none of their models ever appear to be wearing any of it.

I mean, for a clothing and fashion store you'd think that you'd want at least one full article of clothing in the ad. If I were to guess, purely off of their advertisements, what Abercrombie and Fitch is selling, I would assume depression or constipated models (I'm pretty sure this guy's expression is, "What I wouldn't give for a pizza right now.").

The fact is, I am definitely not Abercrombie and Fitch material. I'm a weightlifter, boxer and cardio enthusiast, and I'm pretty sure that there is no way on this carbon laden planet that I could ever squeeze my shoulders into any of their women's shirts. I'm not entirely sure I'd even fit into their guys shirts without having this effect:

In a single weight lifting session I lift a combined weight of anywhere from a half to a full ton of weight, and because of that this man believes I am too ugly and unpopular to shop in his stores.

I'm going to let that sink in for a second, the living California Cabbage Patch Doll thinks I am too ugly to shop in his stores.

It greatly saddens me that we live in a time where "beauty" is not equatable to "health," and I'm not just talking about women. In our society there is such an expectation for both men and women to look like a certain kind of person. The fact is that aside for the .01% that do, most of us are incapable of looking like the models we so aspire to be.

The average female American model is over 5'8" tall and weighs somewhere between 108 and 125 pounds. I, personally, bench press more than that as a warm-up weight. Now, some women are naturally that thin and that is their version of healthy. The average American woman over 20 years of age, however, is between 5'4" and 5'6" and weighs around 165 pounds, and that doesn't take into account differences in genetic background whatsoever.

The average male American model is made entirely of steak, sunless tanner and hair gel (o.k. that might not be scientific, but I got tired of looking up statistics).

Do you want to know the trick to being permanently model thin? Have two equally thin parents, and don't eat your Wheaties (or any carbs, sugar or dense air for that matter).

The point I want to make is that allowing the fashion industry to railroad us into what we consider beautiful not only destroys our views of healthy body image, but it also limits us in who we find attractive.

I may not have long legs, perfect nails or the ability to squeeze myself into a dress that looks like it was made for a pipe-cleaner doll, but I have fantastic skin, dramatic curves and usable muscle that I have worked my butt off to get. I'm certain there are those who do not find me attractive, and that is fine by me, but I don't want to be limited by someone simply because they are comparing me to a A&F model.

Every person on this planet has things that make them uniquely attractive to someone else, and by setting the "gold and tan" standard we limit those we can find attractive and dull our abilities to find people we genuinely can build a relationship with.

Guys, really, it's ok if your abs don't look like you're smuggling pythons under your shirt.

Girls, really, you can be beautiful without living off of a diet of celery and water.

Healthy is far more attractive than steroid enhanced or skeletal any day of the week. Thin, big, short, tall, pale, dark, muscular, tattooed, freckled, scarred... doesn't matter, they are all beautiful and appealing to someone in some way. And if Ambercrombie and Flop can't see the beauty of each and every potential customer that walks through their doors, then they don't deserve even the "exclusive" clientele they wish to reach.

As always feel free to follow me on my daily adventures on Twitter, Goodreads, Facebook!!!

Thou Shalt Not Sweat on Me!

Hello all you lovely, splendid people! Just a quick update, it appears that “Life is a Circus Run 

by a Platypus,” is on track to be released on May 20 on Amazon.com (followed closely by 

several other venues)! As soon as I have an official link I will post it here faster than a 

greased bunny can be slid across a linoleum floor!

In other news, I have an author Facebook page set up now. Feel free to look me up under 

"Allison Hawn" and keep up to date on news about the book. 

That aside, here is another scribbling from my “Ooooh Squirrel!” brain.

I am a bit of a gym rat, mostly by necessity. I have a genetic make-up that means that if I 

even stare longingly at a piece of cheesecake for too long, I will suddenly pack on some 

extra curves. For this reason, I spend, at the very least, an hour in the gym every day. 

This means over a several year span I have gotten to witness some of the most bizarre/useless 

behavior ever perpetrated around a set of weights. Frankly I'd be willing to leave most of these 

things alone, but when you see them day after day, sometimes you just feel compelled to 

smack certain individuals with a starfish. 

Since I do not have easy access to a starfish and would probably be arrested for assault with 

deadly brainless sea creature, I will instead just write some of the things I have noticed here.  

These are my 10 Gym Commandments. If I could etch them in stone I would (but I learned I 

really should not be given a chisel and a hammer a long time ago).  

Note: I am not a doctor, personal trainer or coordinated tango instructor. I am currently a fitness 

instructor, though, if that counts for anything? As always you should talk to your doctor, 

significant other, best friend, Oprah and a therapist before starting any new exercise plan.  

1. Thou shalt not believe that sitting on gym equipment will magically slim thee. 

I realize that this is a disappointment to many (including myself). The gym has an aura of 

fitness and health to it; however, to contribute and partake in the aura one actually does have to 

move. 

This means that if someone sits on the cable row machine for 20 minutes and does only one 

five-pound repetition, that person is not in fact working out. What that individual is doing 

instead is blocking everyone else in the gym from using the thing that he or she has converted 

into the gym version of a home recliner. The gym, sadly, is not magic.  

2. Thou must not only move, thou must sweat, push and exert thyself. 

Just because one is sitting and bouncing on a yoga ball does not mean one is working out. 

Sadly, I see a lot of females do this.  Doing crunches, dumbbell presses and weighted mermaids 

on a yoga ball are all legitimate exercises. Having a conversation about your nails while doing 

the same movement a 3 year old does in their bouncy chair is not getting you anywhere, 

cupcake.  

3. Thou shalt NEVER mock others in the gym based on their physical appearance.  

Yes, some of us are twigs, some of us are bulky, some of us are, dare I say this word, fat. It 

doesn't matter; everyone has a place in the gym. The fact is that no other person can ever know 

what someone else is capable of, and so verbally disparaging them is just plain dumb. 

I have seen tiny guys do sets of 30 weighted pull-ups, seen full-figured women run faster 

than I could ever imagine going, and I have seen a 300 pound man sustain yoga poses that 

make my limbs hurt just thinking about them. Don't judge, everyone has the right to 

work out just as much as everyone else does.  

4. Thou shalt not believe the weight area is only for males. 

More times than I can count at this point, I have had some hot-shot guy swagger up to me 

while I'm lifting and make some comment about how, "Women should not be in the weight 

area." 

I have no problem then, in front of each one of his friends and girlfriends, lifting twice as 

much as he does, turning and saying, "You're right, we should not be in the weight area, 

we might make you look bad." 

Women are tough, period.  

5. Thou shalt not be self-defeating at the gym. 

I bring up this example because, to my count, I have now seen it five times. I see a person 

on a treadmill (good), going at the slowest possible pace the machine can go (not as good), 

drinking a soda (*thunks head on desk* bad). 

If one consumes more calories while working out than one actually burns, then what purpose 

did going to the gym serve? 

These are the same people who talk on their cellphones, at decibels that could be felt in 

space, about how they are working out, but they never seem to lose any weight. Really, 

Sherlock, weight loss is being elusive?  Come on, let's examine the clues and maybe we can 

solve this mystery.  

6. Thou shalt be conscious of other gym patrons. 

This means one should not pick up weights and then just stand in front of the weight rack 

doing bicep curls. Believe it or not, other people would like to weight lift too, and standing 

there like one of the giant stone pillars of Stonehenge, creates a bit of a deterrent. 

This also means that one should not take eight sets of weights and claim that one is using them 

all.  The only one who can make that claim is an octopus. I realize that some people have things 

like ladder drills or circuits that they want to do and that is fine. But one really does not need to 

monopolize half the weight rack to accomplish one’s goal, I promise.  

7. Thou shalt put it back where thou found it. 

As much as I love scavenger hunts, spending 10 minutes hunting for the 40 pound dumbbells 

only to discover that someone has kindly hidden them behind the foam rollers is somewhat less 

charming than the childhood counterpart of that game. The gym staff are not mothers or 

magical weight fairies; everyone needs to pick up after himself or herself.  

8. Thou shalt wear clothing to the gym. 

I cannot describe the endless parade of things that I see at the gym that make me wonder, 

"Did your mommy forget to lay out your clothes for you this morning?" 

Sweatpants with holes in the crotch (sometimes with underwear underneath, sometimes 

without), shirts that have the sides cut out (so we can see the side of one's abs, as what is left 

of the shirt precariously slips towards getting caught in the machine), shorts that one has to 

stare at for a minute so one can verify they are not a belt and spandex that has been stretched 

so tight that it now has all the coverage ability of tinted saran wrap should probably only be 

worn in the privacy of one's own home. 

9. Thou shalt not hit on other gym patrons with dogged persistence. 

No, you can't buy me a drink. Why? Because this is a gym, not a bar, and I am working 

out, and this is not a date. 

It's fine to flirt, say hi or strike up a conversation with someone at the gym. However, I 

once had a guy sit and stare at me for 20 minutes on the rowing machine before asking 

if I, "Wanted to go out to see the back of his truck." 

Nope! Everyone, guys and girls, can agree, we like our gyms creeper free.  

10. Thou shalt not believe thou's sweat is magical. 

This means that if one leaves a giant puddle of sweat on the machine one just used, 

and then one decides not to use the handy-dandy free paper towels and sanitizer to wipe 

it up, I will look at that individual like she or he just barbequed a puppy. 

Do you want to sit in a puddle of a random stranger's sweat? No? Then why on the 

earth would anyone want to wade through a puddle of yours? No one’s sweat is exempt 

from the grossness factor, wipe it up! 

All that being said, what are the most ridiculous things all of you have seen at the gym?