Christmas Creep

Hello all! I hope everyone had a splendid week full of clear roads, sunshine and warmth.

If you live in the Pacific Northwest, I know that these things are basically a distant memory as we all wake up an extra twenty minutes early to scrape our windshields free of permafrost, take our Vitamin D, since we probably won't see the sun for months, and don our wind-proof parkas.

One Photogenic Cat

Just a quick reminder, half of my profits from Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor and Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus through November and December will be going to help the wonderful efforts of SpokAnimal.

So pick up a book for a gift, or for yourself, and know that you're helping animals like Mz. Boo, here to the right, stay safe and warm this winter. Also, Mz. Boo is available for adoption, so save me from becoming a crazy cat lady and adopt her before I'm tempted to!

Well, it is now officially December, which means that the holiday spirit has gone from being the dull roar that has slowly been building since October, to the full-on maniacal laugh of Christmas crazy.
 
Don't get me wrong, I think Christmas is all fine and dandy. At the point where it starts to invade my every moment for nearly three months, trampling other poor holidays into the dust, it becomes a bit much, though. 

Seriously, every store I walk into looks like it was taken over by Santa's clone army.

There is a house down the street that has so many Christmas lights on it I have actually used it to help give driving instructions to my place.

"Okay, you're going to see a bright glow off to your left. Follow the bright glow for about a mile or so. As you drive by don't look directly at it or you'll blind yourself, then take the next right..."

I honestly have no idea how those people sleep at night since it is probably daytime in their house 24/7 thanks to those lights.

Probably the most disturbing part of this Christmas chaos is the fact that I am currently being stalked.

No, it's not the creepy Santa Claus hanging out in the park with his burlap sack full of... I actually never wanted to know what was in there. I think the cops told him he couldn't hang out there anymore.

I am being persistently followed by "(In Winter It's a) Marshmallow World." 

If you've never heard this glittering little slice of Hell, I have included it here for you:

Sung by the most alcohol soaked member of the Rat Pack, Dean Martin, isn't that just a lovely piece of sugary sweet terribleness? 

This has always been one of my least favorite Christmas songs. With lyrics like "It's a yum-yummy world made for sweethearts," every time I hear it I just want to punt a reindeer. 

Here, just to get that out of your head now, here is my favorite Christmas song:

 

So as the Christmas music began to roll onto the radio, I was chagrined to find that "Marshmallow World" was the first festive tune that graced the airwaves in my truck. I switched to the heavy metal station so fast that I may have broken a pre-set button.

Figuring I had met my "Marshmallow World" quota for the season, I decided to pull up a Pandora Christmas station. Not only was "Marshmallow World" the first song that popped up, out of the first five songs that played, my Marshmallow Nightmare played three times.

I've stopped using Pandora for a bit. 

I don't own a television, but this past week I went to house-sit for a friend who does. I have not flipped on a television in over a year, but the first thing that popped up onto the screen was a commercial for Target with, you guessed it, a pop version of "Marshmallow World" as its background music. 

So when I went grocery shopping and stepped into the store to hear that I was going to be buying celery to the sounds of Dean Martin slurring out, "It's a whipped cream day..." I may have let out an audible whimper. 

There was no way to explain to the concerned store attendant that I was being stalked by Dean Martin, who has been dead for nearly two decades, and his persistent desire to let me know that, "The world is your snowball just for a song." 

If you need me for the next month or so, I will be in my apartment curled up in a ball rocking back and forth and listening to the Twisted Sister Christmas album on repeat.

What Christmas songs are plaguing you this season?

As always, come find my festive self on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn), and Goodreads!

Books for Pets

Hello everyone! I hope everyone's weeks were as fantastic as the thought of a million kittens mewing to Cake's "Short Skirt, Long Jacket."

Speaking of kittens, every year during November and December I like to choose a charity that will receive half of my proceeds from my books sold during those months. This year, that charity is SpokAnimal.

SpokAnimal is more than just an animal shelter. Their focus is not only on rescuing animals, but on providing low-cost spay and neuter services to help prevent overpopulation. Furthermore, they host veterinary clinics for low-income families and for the pets and service animals of the homeless.

Every copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" sold (e-book or tree-book) will help SpokAnimal keep up their excellent work both finding homes for cats and dogs and providing services that keep pets healthy!

On another quick note: I have received quite a few questions about how someone might obtain signed and dedicated copies of my books.

If you are wanting to pick up a signed copy of either of my books for yourself or as a gift for someone else please send me a private message on my Facebook author page. Let me know how many books you would like, which titles you would like and who you would like them dedicated to (make sure you spell their name correctly as I will be spelling their names exactly as you tell me). I will respond with where a check can be sent, and will ship the books out as soon as I can after I receive the check.

Books are $13.00 apiece, unless you want to order both "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" then it will be $22.00 for the two together. Shipping and handling is $2.50 for the first book, and $1.00 for each additional book (I can only ship in the U.S. at the moment).

If you are wanting books for Christmas gifts, please make sure you place your order and send payment before December 1 as that is when I will be sending out the Christmas shipment to make sure it reaches everyone on time! If you have any questions please either post them in the comments below or on my Facebook author page.

Of course, half of my proceeds from any signed copies sold during November and December will also help raise money for SpokAnimal!

Well, that's all for this week! Don't forget to look me up on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!

Sick and Twisted

Hello all! I hope your weeks have been more fantastic than the thought of a tornado made of marshmallow fluff.

So this past week, thanks to basically working in a giant petri dish, I ended up with a lovely combination of illnesses.

I will spare you all the grisly details, let's just say that I have a much more accurate count of how many tiles are on my bathroom floor than I did a few days ago.

Me For Four Days

 It was, while suffering with an over 100 degree fever, that I tried the first time to brainstorm a list of topics for a blog post.

What resulted was the most ADHD and delusional group of non-sequitur ideas I think I have ever produced.

Here are some of the blog post ideas I actually wrote down:

"Write about feminism and stuff."

"How does cheese exist? - Answer: Because it's amazing!"

"Write about why the 'Fantastic Four' isn't that fantastic."

"Do gerbils dream?"

"If I can't do the Can-Can, does it become the Can't-Can't?"

"Why bedsheets that get all twisty are evil."

"Cheese" (Nothing else, I just wrote the word "cheese" off on the side of my notebook.)

"Why Pringles are superior chips for single people."

Needless to say, I think it's a good thing I didn't write "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" while suffering from a fever of 100 plus degrees.

So, here's your writing tip of the week: If you are really, really, delusion and sick, writing is a bad idea (unless you write surrealist literature, then go right on ahead!).

What have been some of your best/worst ideas thought up while sick moments?

As always I can be found on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads.

What a Release...

Hello all! I hope your weeks were more fantastic than the thought of rainbow dyed badgers learning to dance the Running Man!

Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor has been out for nearly a week!!! And so far I'm hearing some pretty rad things about it from readers! Of course, you don't have to take my word for it, you can take a see for yourself!

I have a quick round of thank you's to go through.

First off, thank you to Sweatshoppe Publications and editor Craig Hart for not putting both Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor and Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus in the dreaded slush pile, but picking both for publication!

There is a hearty raised pint of ale thank you also to artist Anthony Carpenter and cover designer Paul Brand for their excellent job on the cover!

Thank you to Charissa Dufour, Shayna Shute and CarolBeth Hawn who all helped with the initial editing before the book went to my publisher!

Also to all of my friends and family who have offered their support of my writing, thank you! And finally, a huge thank you to my readers, without your interest neither of my books would exist.

To be my absolute cheesiest: 

So the number one thing I have been asked is, "Are you excited about your book being out!?"

What people don't realize is the that when they ask that question they are touching on the very tip of a complex iceberg of emotions.

The short answer is, "Of course I'm excited that over a year's worth of work has resulted in my publisher not laughing me out of his office and actually putting my words into print!"

The much less short answer is this:

Yes, I'm excited... and anxiety ridden, happy to have the book out, terrified of what release week looks like, bouncing off the walls with energy, worried I didn't do enough preparation/publicity/take enough Prozac, trying to stay motivated enough to continue publicizing, desperately trying to keep myself from sitting and clicking the "refresh" button to see if my Amazon rankings have changed...

Release day for an author is exuberant joy, extreme trepidation and every major emotion in between rolled into one. I have been a public speaker, sung jazz, performed stand-up comedy; but by far the most terrifying thing I have faced is both of my books' release days.

So, yes, every author is excited for their book to come out, but there is a reason we often look like we tried to style our hair with a blender and have yet to discover that our shirt is backwards and inside out on release day.

It is totally worth it though, particularly when I hear such wonderful things from readers! So, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my books! It means the world to me, and I will thank as many of you as I can in person when I eventually get my hair untangled from my blender.

As always, come find me on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!

Release the Velociraptors!!!

Today's the day! "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" is out and available for purchase!

Insane Author Not Included

Don't miss out on the sequel to "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus!" Grab your copy of "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" today!

Check in today on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads for plenty of swashbuckling updates!!!

A Smorgasbord of Happiness!

Hello all! I hope you all had weeks that were more fantastic than the thought of a billion termites doing the Charlie Brown dance!

First off, "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" is available for pre-order on Kindle!!! Both the digital and the print version will be released September 7th, but you can pre-order it here!

In other news, I was recently interviewed about "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" by the wonderful Carla Sarett! You can read the full interview by clicking on this link.

I want to send out a hearty, raised pint of ale, thank you to everyone who downloaded the Kindle version of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" during the free promotion this past week! Thanks to the 5,078 downloads, my book made it to #49 on Amazon's Kindle Book List, and #1 in Kindle Humor Books!

There it is!!!

Thank you to everyone who downloaded a copy during our promotion!

Remember, reviews are like tips for authors. If you enjoyed "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" do me a huge favor and leave a review! It will make me do a happy dance in my living room. So give my neighbors the gift of free entertainment and leave a review!

As always, I can be found on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

FREEEEEEEEDOM!

Free Until August 26th for Kindle!

Hello everyone! I hope you all had weeks that were better than the thought of "The Princess Bride" reenacted by neon painted termites!

Well I have some rad-tacular news for you all!

To promote my upcoming book, "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor," my publisher, "Sweatshoppe Publications" has decided to give all of those who haven't read my first book yet a chance to read it free of charge!

That's right, until August 26th, "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" for the Kindle will be absolutely free!

So head on over to Amazon and snag a copy during this awesome promotion!

If you happen to enjoy the book, do me a favor and drop me a quick review to let other readers know how much fun you had reading it!

Don't forget to keep up to date on all of the news on my upcoming book "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!!!

"I'm #^@!#$% Cooking!!!" with Allison

Hello all, I hope you are all doing more splendidly than the thought of a thousand Elvis impersonators reenacting the Battle of Philippi.

A quick reminder June 13th I will be at Hyde Park Books in Boise to sign your copies of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus!"

Luckily the Demon had the Recipe

A couple of weeks ago I might have mentioned that I'm a good cook but kind of (or extremely) dangerous in the kitchen. I also indicated that my friends have commented multiple times that I should have my own cooking show titled "I'm #^@!#$% Cooking!!!" with Allison.

Since that post went live I've had multiple requests for a culinary demonstration. As to not disappoint, today I am providing you with one of my favorite absolutely and completely unhealthy recipes.

So don your aprons, send any children or sensitive/annoying relatives or friends to another room, pour yourself a glass of wine and follow along!
 
Cookie Dough Brownie Bombs

(AKA: Screw it! I'm wearing sweatpants today!)

You will need:

1. Cookie Dough

2. A box of fudge brownie mix (important that you buy FUDGE brownie mix, otherwise it all just goes to Heck).

3. Chocolate Bark - Pick your poison. I personally favor mixing dark and white chocolate together, but I won't tell you how to run your life. You will be dipping your creations into its sweet melty goodness, so make sure you buy it proportionally to your cookie dough.

4.  A large cookie sheet with tin foil covering it. Make yourself a hat too while you're at it, after all you don't need aliens getting all up in your business.

The Process:

Step 1: Buy cookie dough (or be all Martha Stewart and make your own) preferably chocolate chip cookie dough. Make small balls of cookie dough and place them on the cookie sheet that you have pre-covered in foil. If you forgot the tin-foil, now would be the moment before you actually follow the rest of these instructions to take care of that. Place the dough balls in the freezer to set up for 45 minutes to an hour. Eat a spoonful of cookie dough, because after all that work you deserve it.

Step 2: While you're waiting for the freezer to do it's magic sing "Let it Go" and proceed to use the instructions on the box to make your fudge brownies. Make them on the moist side rather than the dry side. In other words your arteries be damned, add a dash of extra oil to them. 

Let them cool otherwise the next step will result in a lot of choice words, a brand new dance move and the need to go to the store again for aloe lotion.

Step 3: Once your brownies have cooled cut them into large squares. Use the palm of your hand to flatten the brownies down as much as you can. That's it, let out all your week's frustrations ("Come on Steve! All you had to do was file one report!?!?!"). 

Step 4: Then remove the dough balls from the freezer and wrap them inside your flattened brownies. It's ok if the brownies crack a little, you should be able to kind of smooth them out so that they cover the cookie dough balls. Once you have done this, set everything back in the freezer. Pour yourself a celebratory glass of wine.

Step 5: Eat any cookie dough balls that managed not to get covered in brownie. Top off your glass of wine and pretend to care about something someone said on Facebook for about 15 minutes.

Step 6: Melt your chocolate bark in whatever way you find preferable (if you have never melted chocolate bark before, please Google it as it is actually really easy to burn). Take your cookie-dough brownie balls out of the freezer and dip and coat them in the chocolate. 

Then swear profusely and remember that melted things are often hot, and grab some tongs with which to dip your creations. Refrain from eating them immediately as well, they are still hot and it will not be as pleasant as one would think. Place the coated balls back on the tray and pop the tray back in the freezer.

 
Step 7: Pour yourself another glass of wine and watch an episode of that one T.V. show that you hate to admit you like to watch on Netflix. After about 30 or 40 minutes everything should have set and they should be ready for eating! 

Enjoy!

Need more cooking tips? Come find me on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads. 

The Dangers of Cooking

Hello everyone! I hope your weeks were more fantastic than the thought of a thousand and one kittens mewing the tune to the Eagles' "Hotel California."

A very quick announcement: You will notice that there is a link titled "Case (Un)Managed" above this post. That is for a new mini-blog that I have recently started to help explain what social workers and those who work for non-profits go through on a daily basis (though regular, non-crazy people will probably find it funny too). Enjoy! 

I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog post!

So, I have something to admit; I love cooking. 

You Know That's Right

While I dislike most other activities that would qualify me as a domestic-diva, I can't resist the urge to wander into my kitchen, dig through the fridge and create something new. 

There is just something so stress relieving about all that chopping, boiling, beating... No, I've never been convicted for assault, why do you ask?

As much as I love cooking, cooking hasn't always loved me back. Our relationship is less of a love/hate relationship and more of a love/light-you-on-fire one.

Now don't get me wrong, I am a pretty spiffy cook. There isn't a soul on this planet who would contradict that. (This is might be due to the fact that I'm usually holding a kitchen knife when I ask people if they like my food.)

But I do have a... shall we say "energetic" presence when in the kitchen. That energy is occasionally expressed when I'm beating the side of a big pot with a wooden spoon while yelling, "Get back in there!" or when I'm furiously lecturing carrots on why they shouldn't attempt to roll off of my cutting board (they rarely listen, cheeky carrots).

Several of my friends, who have come over just to watch the fantastic spectacle that is me cooking, have mentioned that I really should just have my own show called, "I'm $#%@-ing Cooking, with Allison."

Now, the things that happen to me in the kitchen tend to border on the freak accident scale. I have turned baking brownies into a science project, cooking rice into a geyser and once even turned pancakes into a first rate fiasco. If you need proof check out "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus."

Probably one of the most memorable of these little adventures happened my first week living in Spokane.

I had just moved into a studio apartment, which means that I was suddenly living in the tallest postage stamp on the planet. My kitchen was what my friend Kari likes to call a "one-butt" kitchen.

It had no counter space. I often found myself chopping vegetables on top of my microwave which sat precariously on top of a garage-sale nightstand, mixing ingredients on my coffee table and occasionally using my blender on my writing desk.

It was a time of imagination, perseverance and finding out new and incredible ways to get cornbread batter out of a living-room rug.

One night I decided to make some stir fried rice noodles. Simple enough: You boil noodles, you drain noodles, you heat noodles while adding sauce and veggies. Boom, meal.

Except in this case it was boil noodles, drain noodles, forget which burner you just cooked noodles on, set your colander on that burner, melt plastic colander permanently to your stove. Boom, quandary.

I quickly figured out a way to get the noodles out of the colander (namely lift up the entire burner on my gas stove and dump the noodles out). Now I was stuck with two kitchen appliances that had simulated the formation of the band the Rolling Stones (still together after 53 years!).

I tried prying it off, but the colander just started breaking off in little chunks. I tried pulling it off with pliers and nearly gave myself a black eye. I tried reasoning with the colander to leave, but it didn't believe me when I told it that the burner didn't really love it.

Finally, and possibly out of flaming vengeance, I decided that if melting it had gotten it stuck on there, maybe melting would get it off. I fired up the burner.

My Life in GIF Form

I would like to point out that I was technically not wrong, the colander did come off the burner. The other half of the story is that the colander lit up like it had Satan's seal of approval creating a momentary fireball.

Flinging all of it into the sink was probably the most sound of mind thing I did that entire evening. What lessons did I learn?

1. Plastic and fire are foes, not friends.

2. Eating the noodles that almost caused you to light your apartment on fire is a bittersweet experience.

3. When it comes to kitchens, less is not more. More kitchen means less chances of lighting something on fire.

If you want to see what's cooking in the kitchen this week, come join me on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

Also, don't forget if you happen to be in the Boise area on June 13, you should come join me at Hyde Park Books for a book signing for "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus!"

Torture Via Whitney Houston

Hello everyone! I hope you have all had splendid weeks!

This week I found myself at the mercy of one of the most baffling customer service experiences of my life.

Everything started out innocently enough. I went to buy groceries, as my alternative was once again eating a peanut butter and jelly tortilla. Only, when I went to pay for my groceries with my bank connected credit card, which is the only card I had on me at that moment, it didn't work.

No, I wasn't denied. The machine just refused to read my card at all. I might as well have been attempting to pay with a slice of swiss cheese, which was one of the things I wanted to buy with my nonworking card.

After apologetically digging out a check, amidst grumbling noises from the other people in line, and paying, I did what any rational person would do; I called my bank to order a replacement card.

Now keep in mind, having worked customer service jobs I know they are not easy. These jobs are an endless stream of frustrated people, oftentimes who are angry that you cannot magically solve a problem they probably caused. This is why I always try to be nice to people on customer service lines. Usually, this works for me. Some days, though...

I navigated the automated instructions and waited through several minutes of the same six bars of Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" in a constant loop broken up by advertisements for services I did not need. Finally, a service representative joined me on the line.

I verified my name, address, birth date, last four numbers of my social security number and ultimately got my chance to say, "So, my card has stopped working..."

Before I could continue the representative, in her super perky voice, said, "Oh, let me send you over to fraud!"

"B-but!"

It was too late. I found myself listening to more crackly Whitney Houston.

After a few minutes someone from the fraud department picked up. I verified all of my information again and the fraud representative looked over my account, "Miss Hawn, there doesn't seem to be any fraud on your account, and your card has no active balance. This must be a problem with your card, I'm going to send you back to member services."

"AND I WILL ALWAYS LO --- Did you know that you can pay your bills online? Our automatic bill-pay is really the bees knees! It's the greatest invention since Al Gore invented the internet! --- VE YOUUUUUUUU!"

When I was again connected with a customer service rep, I verified my information and said, "Fraud sent me back here because my card isn't working, and---"

"Oh, that's a question for our fraud department, I will connect you with them now!"

And round and round and "I will always love you" round we went.

So True

Representative number four asked me if I had accidentally swiped the wrong side of my card, or perhaps tried to swipe the narrow edge. Sighing I said, "I was born at night, it wasn't last night, though."

"This must be a job for the fraud people!"

By the time I verified my information with company representative number five, I was truly terrified that Whitney was going to always love me because I would never be free of the phone.

By person number six that picked up my call I had hit the customer service breaking point. At this juncture it was seven in the evening, I had been working all day and hadn't eaten anything since my peanut butter and jelly tortilla at lunch. I believe the adjective that aptly described my state of mind at that moment would have been "hangry" (so hungry that you're angry), which is perhaps how this happened:

"Hi this Bob! How can I help you!"

"Okay Bob, my name is Allison Hawn. I live at [insert address]. The last four digits of my social security number are [insert numbers]. You aren't supposed to ask a lady her age, so don't. I am 5'3" tall if I'm wearing tall shoes, blonde, am currently wearing a red bra because it's the only one I have clean, hate the slang word "totes," will admit to having used the same knife in both the peanut butter and the jelly today out of pure laziness and regularly change the oil in my truck. Am I verified yet, or shall I continue?"

There was dead silence on the other end of the phone for a full ten seconds before the customer service rep said, "I think I wish I lived in Spokane."

Suddenly realizing that his boss could very well be listening, Bob quickly switched to, "How can I help you today?"

I took a deep breath and said, "Alright, I am going to say words. Do not act on these words until I am done saying them. Do not transfer me. Do not make me listen to Whitney Houston on a loop. Do not assume that I am an idiot who does not know which side of the credit card makes the magic happen. I will let you know when I am done speaking and then you can have your turn. Are we clear?"

The representative on the other end of the phone let out a nervous chuckle, "Yes?"

"Alright. My card doesn't work. It isn't fraud. It isn't user error. The card is broken. I need a new card. I need a card that allows me to buy groceries without having to dig out my checks and pay for food like I am 82 years old. I am now done explaining and you may suggest further action now. Go."

There was a beat of silence before the guy on the other end of the phone asked, "How many representatives have you tried to tell this to?"

"More than I should have."

"Fair enough."

I now have a new card and I think I learned some important lessons while I was at it:

1. As Mick Jagger so nearly sang, "You can't always get what you want, but if you get hungry/angry enough to start talking like a crazy person into the phone, you might get what you need."

2. Apparently mentioning your bra color to the customer service representative on the phone speeds up the process. As this was my first time trying this tactic I have no scientific proof that it works, but as further experiments continue I will report my findings here.

3. Whitney Houston will always love you.

Don't forget I have a book signing for "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" in Boise, Idaho at Hyde Park Books on June 13th!

As always, you can follow my constant adventures on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

A Very Merry Unbirthday Contest

Hello everyone! I hope you have all had splendidly awesome weeks!

This week Normally Surreal turns one year old! You know what that means?

As a way to say thank you to all of my followers, commentators and people who ended up here by mistake, I have decided to run a little contest.

It is true that it is difficult to write well, but it can be just has hard to write terribly. That is why there are contests, such as the famed Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, to find people who can skillfully craft a terrible work of fiction.

For instance the 2011 winner of the Bulwer-Lytton won with this entry:

"Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories." — Sue Fondrie, Oshkosh, WI

Human/Velociraptor Not Included

The rules of this contest are simple, write one terrible opening line to a story and post it in the comments below or on the contest announcement pinned to the top of my Facebook page. Two weeks from now, I will pick a winner to receive a signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus!"

So show me your creative writing side, and don't worry if it's bad, that's the point!

Thanks again to everyone who has followed me through the bizarre journey that is my life for the past year! You guys are more fantastic than the thought of a thousand wombats playing "Carry on My Wayward Son" on harmonicas!

As always, feel free to follow my exploits on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!

A Bit of January in March

Hello all who venture here! I hope everyone had an absolutely top shelf week!

It has been a fascinating bit of time on my end. It was a week full of adventure, intrigue and a woman who tried to hide a chihuahua in her bra.

I never thought I'd hear someone utter the phrase, "No ma'am, we know you've got a chihuahua in your bra because it's staring at me and it just barked."

What can I say? Some girls just have all the fun.

I am extremely excited, however, because the guest for this week's blog post is first-time author Gail Chumbley!

Now, for those who have read "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" the name Gail Chumbley might seem rather familiar. That is because Gail Chumbley was my 10th grade history teacher, and it was in her class that I unceremoniously passed out due to a Benadryl mishap. (I'm sorry Mrs. Chumbley, I didn't take Benadryl for four years after that.) If you want the full story, I'm afraid you will have to read my book.

Aside from being a respected and well-loved teacher and absolute history buff, Gail has also written a book due to be released next month titled "River of January." Gail was nice enough to take time out of her busy schedule and answer a few questions for inquiring minds on her new work (and she didn't give my questions a failing grade!).

And a spiffy cover, I might add.

1. What motivated you to start writing?  

The short answer would be, I didn't have a choice. The story of Helen and Chum, the protagonists in the work were fighting to burst out.

2. How would you describe River of January?  

The book is a work of creative non-fiction.  The characters are actual, lived their lives fully for nearly the entire stretch of the twentieth century.

3. This is your first published work of fiction, are you excited?   

Well, actually the book is non-fiction.  Creative non-fiction is such a new area of writing it is easy to assume fiction.

4. What was the inspiration behind the title of your book?  

My protagonists, though both Americans, met and fell in love in Rio de Janeiro.  The name is Portuguese for River of January.

5. What was your favorite part of the writing process?  
 
Great question.  Writing is such hard work that I'm not sure I've enjoyed myself until after the session is over.  I would think crafting words into something beautiful was gratifying.

6. You taught high school for decades (and were excellent at it, I might add), what was your favorite part about teaching? 

You, and the rest of the kids.

7. What advice would you give teachers just starting out in the profession?  

Become acquainted with students as more than desk dwellers. Maintain high learning standards, know your material, and be prepared to work hard.  Oh, and laugh a lot.

8. If you could play a game of checkers with any American president, which president would you choose?  

Lincoln, of course.  He would tell his famous stories and we'd have a good laugh.

9. When will your book be out and where can interested readers find a copy?  

The book should be available by April 1.  No joke.  The website, still under construction can be found at www.river-of-january.com 

I'll forward speaking dates on my Facebook page.  Keep your eyes open.

Don't forget to follow Gail Chumbley on Twitter!

  
This week "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" received yet another 5-star review! Andy Peloquin writes, "It's an absolutely hilarious read, and worth every penny." See the full review here.

As always, feel free to follow my exploits on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!

How is a Raven Like a Writing Desk?

Welcome one and all to yet another week spent in this circus we call life! I hope your weeks were all more like that of the ringmaster and less like that of the lion tamer!

Part of being an author is that I often have people send me their own books, manuscripts or ideas. I love it! I get to read a plethora works in so many different genres. However, there have been several that have been sent to me that I have had to send back and honestly say, "This could use a little more (or a dump truck load's worth) work."

I've now had a couple of different writers ask that I put together a list of overarching writing tips for those wanting to produce good material. So here you are, your very own list of how to be a better writer.

Excitement! Excitement! Excitement! Nothing.

1. The climax should not be the end of your book.

Yes, I realize that there is such a thing as a cliffhanger ending. However, if you read a book series that does cliffhanger endings you will notice that the end of the book has at least some sort of wind-down.

To have a book that is moving along and then suddenly jerks to a halt oftentimes leaves your readers feeling like a dog that decided to run off without realizing the length of its own leash.

2. Plese spell chalk,, and make sure your grammer is gooder! 

Was that sentence hard to read? You may laugh, but I cannot count the number of times I have received a "final manuscript," or even a book (oftentimes self-published), that I could barely make it through the first page due to all the errors.

I would also like to point out that just running the in-program spell-check is only good to a point. A fellow writer friend, Charissa Dufour, loves to talk about the danger of Commonly Confused Words (CCW's). Your spell-check program really cannot tell which witch is which, that's your responsibility.

You are not being sneaky stealing plot devices!

3. Do not steal major plot devices (or entire plots) from already published bestselling works.

Huh, you have an Australian wizard named "Barry Totter" who goes to a magical boarding school where he will inevitably face off against an evil, undead, wizard named "Voltebart."

No, I'm sure no one will ever try to compare your story to the most famous fictional wizard since Gandalf or Merlin. As long as your readers have literally been living in a shack in the middle of the woods somewhere for the last decade and a half, then I'm sure they will find your material new and exciting.

4. Dialogue should sound like actual people talking. 
 

It's the only explanation.

Have you ever watched one of those commercials where there are two women talking about dish-detergent like it is their life's greatest accomplishment that they found a brand that doesn't leave residue on their dishes? Do you wonder whether they had a frontal lobotomy or are just from a different planet as they gush about soap? I do.

Read your dialogue out loud to yourself. If it sounds like a scene from a 1980's action movie or a 1950's sitcom, rewrite it. If your characters sound stilted and stagey then no one will buy into your story, no matter how amazing your dish-detergent is.

5. Readers should be able to tell your characters apart.

No one was sad when they blew up.

In the same vein as making your dialogue sound like actual people, remember that no two people are exactly alike.  Readers need to believe that your characters could be real people with emotions, unique backgrounds and their own life experience.

If they all read like they could be part of the Borg, thinking alike, acting alike, all going for the same goal for the same reasons, then readers won't care when they die in a fiery explosion. Make your readers give a crap about your characters, don't make them all linguistic clones.

6. Do not marry yourself to your first draft.

Part of being a writer is having the humility to know that you're not going to get it right the first, second or maybe even the thirtieth time.  I do not care how brilliant you think a manuscript, chapter or line is at the time you write it. I have written tons of things that when I first penned them I thought, "I am going to be the next Tina Fey!" only to later read it and go, "Okay, so actually I'm more like Elmer Fudd."

Always be willing to edit, rewrite, get a second opinion or even scrap something.

7. Covers should not be designed using Clip-Art.

DO NOT USE THIS STUFF

 I really have nothing against people who decide to self-publish books. However, if you are going to self-publish a book, remember that your cover should not look like a Powerpoint slide that I made when I was fourth grade.

I know I am not a talented designer or an artist, which is why I will never attempt to design a book cover for myself. I cannot count the number of covers that I have seen (that I will not post here because I'm not that mean) that look like a terrible Word-Art and Photoshop mash-up. If your cover is unprofessional and could be replicated by a four year old with access to Paint, no one is going to take your book seriously, so just stop.

I'm sure that there are tons of other things I could talk about, but that's all she wrote for now. There will probably be a part two at some juncture.

If you have any writing questions or your own writing tips, please feel free to post them in the comments below!
 
I just wanted to say a quick thank you to the Amazon reader of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" who posted this five-star review:

"Miss Hawn's book is one of the best works I've ever had the privilege of reading. It is truly a testament to one of the most interesting people I've met and what life looks like through her eyes. I've recommended this book to some English teachers I know as it is engaging and written in a way that makes it difficult to put down or to smother one's laughter."

As always, feel free to find me on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads! 

Bad Kitty

Hello all! I hope you are all having a fabulous week!

My boss and coworkers left our entire department in the hands of myself and one other person this week. The good news is that we managed to not burn down the building. The bad news is we may have a new spot on the carpet that may never come out (we might just put a couch over it... in the middle of the hallway).

Because it's Spokane, not Spocan't!

During the chaos of this past week, however, I got the awesome opportunity to be on Spokast! Blake, Russell and I talked about dinosaurs, football, homelessness, PEZ Dispensers and of course "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus!" It was downright magical. If you want to hear it for yourself just click here.

Speaking of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus," the book received another five star review on Amazon this week, "I learned quickly not to read this book in a quiet area. I laughed so much, and as I held it in, I started shaking and tearing up. I ended up leaving the office, where I was waiting for my son's test to be over. I hope Allison Hawn writes another book!"

Thank you! I love reading reviews like these, they make my little writer's heart do cartwheels, which is impressive since the rest of me can't do a cartwheel to save my soul.

This week I would like to introduce my readers to my two roommates. They tend to be a bit reclusive, are very concerned with their appearance and poop in a box. That's right, I have cats. Meet Voodoo (the black one) and Santeria (the every color one).

For the most part we cohabitate pretty peacefully. Voodoo spends most of her time being immobile, oftentimes to the point where I have to check to make sure she is still breathing. Santeria vacillates between peacefully staring out of the windows to running from room to room for no apparent reason and meowing at blank walls.

Lately, however, I've noticed that my fuzzy little companions have picked up some less than savory habits.

I have tried talking to them about it, but as of yet, I have not noticed any change in their behavior. They seem to hear me, but do not care.

It is out of desperation that I have instead decided to publicize their offenses in the hopes that this will get their attention and maybe they will stop their negative behaviors:

Now that their crimes have been brought to light, maybe we will see a change in their behavior... Who am I kidding? They're cats, they do what they want.

As always, feel free to follow my exploits on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!