We Have a (Sorta) Winner!!!

Alright folks. I know you're mostly here to find out who won the Terrible Writing Contest for the signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus", so I won't dillydally. I think that should be counted as my good deed for the day.

Thank you to everyone who entered! It was a tough decision. Every entry was truly awful in totally rad ways.

After much deliberation I winnowed down my choices to D.L. Mackenzie's whopper of a sentence:

"A grey pall of boredom--not the ordinary boredom one might experience while listening to another of Uncle Chet's long-winded tales of his glory days in the San Jose Police motor pool maintenance crew, but a rather more sudden and intense lack of stimulation, like a kind of waking narcolepsy--failed to fall over the room (as might have been anticipated under the circumstances), for Jolly Jim Fitch had arrived quite unexpectedly (after having maintained emphatically for days--as he often did--that he would not do so), bearing liquor and ribald anecdotes, a welcome departure from the proceedings thus far, but one which would ultimately prove as disappointingly dull as the surface of a piece of unfinished furniture left in the driveway of an abandoned tenement for a couple of months during a rainy spell even wetter than the rainy spells to which we were now so accustomed since the atomic bomb blast which had leveled our city, altering the weather, not to mention apparently touching off the zombie apocalypse Uncle Chet had so often warned us about."

Congratulations D.L. on devising a sentence/paragraph that makes sense in an almost nonsensical way!

I did also want to also share a couple of Honorable(?) Mentions.

Brian Patrick McKinley:

"The night was moist."

Patrick Casey:

 "Hail!" shouted Nathan Hale over the wail of pale hail that hailed down around him, nailing him in the cranium."

Again, thank you to everyone who entered my little contest! If you didn't win this time around, don't worry, another contest will happen soon, I promise.

If you wish to follow my movements more closely without the use of binoculars, you can find me on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn), or Goodreads!

Bad Kitty

Hello all! I hope you are all having a fabulous week!

My boss and coworkers left our entire department in the hands of myself and one other person this week. The good news is that we managed to not burn down the building. The bad news is we may have a new spot on the carpet that may never come out (we might just put a couch over it... in the middle of the hallway).

Because it's Spokane, not Spocan't!

During the chaos of this past week, however, I got the awesome opportunity to be on Spokast! Blake, Russell and I talked about dinosaurs, football, homelessness, PEZ Dispensers and of course "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus!" It was downright magical. If you want to hear it for yourself just click here.

Speaking of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus," the book received another five star review on Amazon this week, "I learned quickly not to read this book in a quiet area. I laughed so much, and as I held it in, I started shaking and tearing up. I ended up leaving the office, where I was waiting for my son's test to be over. I hope Allison Hawn writes another book!"

Thank you! I love reading reviews like these, they make my little writer's heart do cartwheels, which is impressive since the rest of me can't do a cartwheel to save my soul.

This week I would like to introduce my readers to my two roommates. They tend to be a bit reclusive, are very concerned with their appearance and poop in a box. That's right, I have cats. Meet Voodoo (the black one) and Santeria (the every color one).

For the most part we cohabitate pretty peacefully. Voodoo spends most of her time being immobile, oftentimes to the point where I have to check to make sure she is still breathing. Santeria vacillates between peacefully staring out of the windows to running from room to room for no apparent reason and meowing at blank walls.

Lately, however, I've noticed that my fuzzy little companions have picked up some less than savory habits.

I have tried talking to them about it, but as of yet, I have not noticed any change in their behavior. They seem to hear me, but do not care.

It is out of desperation that I have instead decided to publicize their offenses in the hopes that this will get their attention and maybe they will stop their negative behaviors:

Now that their crimes have been brought to light, maybe we will see a change in their behavior... Who am I kidding? They're cats, they do what they want.

As always, feel free to follow my exploits on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!

Holidaze

Hello! I hope your week has been going better than the thought of a rendition of the musical "Chicago" performed by specially trained pygmy bunnies.

One excited reader, Dan, sent this picture of his copy brand new copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus:"

Thanks for reading and sharing, Dan!

Thanksgiving is next week, which means I must finally admit, as I have been in denial since late October, that the holidays are upon us.

  

As much as I would love to hold onto my Grinchy attitude until at least next Thursday, the fact that we threw our holiday party for our participants yesterday kind of put the kibosh on that. 

So, in the spirit of every holiday between Thanksgiving and New Years, I donned my ugly sweater and set off to work to decorate and be merry, while not allowing myself to be killed by a giant fake Christmas tree.

What you can't tell in the picture is that this sweater sparkles. My ADHD kicked in super hard that day and I caught myself being distracted by my own sweater multiple times.

We planned for 60 people to show up, we got somewhere between 80 and 100. Somehow we managed to feed everyone and have enough crafts for all of the kids to participate. 

My coworkers made one small error yesterday. I warned them, "I am not good with kids. No, really, anyone under the age of about twelve and I do not get along well."

All of my coworkers laughed it off. How could I not be good with kids, after all I often work with adults who act like children? 

Their disbelief in my lack of child handling abilities translated into me being placed in charge of a crafting station where kids could come and make a simple ornament. After about ten minutes I was completely covered in glitter and looked like I had just thrown a rave with crafting supplies. 

One little boy walked up to me and I smiled and asked, "Would you like to make an ornament?"

I swear, that was all I said, "Would you like to make an ornament?"

He completely melted down and started sobbing at the top of his little lungs (by the way I think kids have more lung capacity than an elephant, just saying, I'm not sure he ever took a breath). 

The mother was looking at me like she expected me to do something. Having no clue what to do I just said, "So... that's a no on making an ornament then?"

My coworkers decided I was probably better at helping keep the food line moving smoothly instead. Overall, though, it was a success, even despite one little kid pulling the fire alarm. I'm glad that we were able to provide some holiday fun for our ladies and their families. 

Speaking of which, in the spirit of the holidays I have decided to donate half of what I make from "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" during the months of November and December to help support the work of the YWCA. 

The YWCA helps women, men and their families who are victims of domestic violence, families facing homelessness, those facing discrimination and a variety of other disenfranchised populations rebuild their lives. I'm choosing to donate to this organization because I believe in their mission to help a person not only survive adversity, but continue on to thrive. If you want to see the impact this organization is having check this video out. So if you buy a book, know that you are also supporting an excellent cause!

Anyways, I hope you all have a wonderfully restful week and enjoy a heavy dose of turkey on Thanksgiving! 

I can always be found on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!