Seeing Red

Hello everyone! I hope your weeks have been more fantastic than the thought of a Kiss cover band comprised of corgis!

Speaking of corgis, just a quick reminder, 50% of the profits from any of my books sold in November or December will be going to help the efforts of the Sun Valley Animal Shelter. This is a no-kill shelter in the Phoenix area that connects animals with their forever homes.

So buy a book and help Mumford here find a good home (he is also up for adoption if anyone is interested)!

In other news the holidays have descended upon us, rather like a beluga whale dropped from a bomber airplane. Halloween day, I happened to go to the store and found myself in a veritable winter wonderland of Christmas decorations and festoonery. Again, let me repeat that, on Halloween.

I let out a sad sigh over the Christmas invasion of my favorite holiday and went on my way, vowing to basically ignore it, as I do every year, until the day after Thanksgiving.

Then the first "War on Christmas" posts started. You know what I mean, the fear-mongering, imaginary persecution of those who like to celebrate Christmas. First, let me say this, if you think that there is an actual "War on Christmas" please, as a Christian myself, let me remind you of a few things:

1. No one in this country will tell you that you can't celebrate Christmas in your own way. If you want to honor Jesus, that is your right. If you want to spend all day Christmas wearing underwear on your head and yelling, "I'm a blueberry muffin!" that is also your right. No one is telling you you can't celebrate Christmas. Someone else celebrating Christmas in their own way is not an immediate attack on your rights.

2. Every school/work/organizational break is still centered around the Christmas holiday. No other religious holiday gets this kind of special treatment (unless they happen to fall sometime near Christmas), so if we're in a "war" it appears we still have the high ground.

3. Having a Menorah next to the Christmas tree at the mall really is not something to get upset about. Remember, we stole the traditional Christmas tree from pagans, whereas the Menorah was something the Jewish people came up with on their own thousands of years ago. Respecting others' religions does not constitute an attack on your own.

4. Someone saying "Happy Holidays" to you is not a challenge to a fight. I say Happy Holidays. I say Merry Christmas. When appropriate I say Happy Hanukkah as well! If someone says Happy Holidays, the correct response is, "Thank you! You too!" Everyone just calm down!

5. The fact that you can't go a single place, starting October 31st now, without running into a million and one Christmas trees, ornaments and little nativity sets, would imply that Christmas seems to be doing just fine.

I bring all of this up because the first "Christmas Scandal" splashed in my news feed on Facebook this week, causing an intense urge to attempt to stick my head in the microwave.

Apparently, Starbucks has managed to do something more offensive than misspell even the most simple of names. Apparently this year their holiday themed cups are... red!!! Yup, you read correctly, instead of opting for an entire nativity scene (which, I might add has NEVER been a part of their cups), they went for a solid red cup with their typical green and white logo for accent.

This has sparked absolute outrage, particularly from one individual who posted an entire Youtube video and Twitter rant (which I refuse to link here because he doesn't need any more attention).

Apparently by removing the snowflakes from their cups that they had last year, which I was unaware was a part of the Christmas cannon to begin with, Starbucks somehow managed to remove all of the Christmas-ness from their cups!

At first I thought it was a massive joke, but then I started seeing calls to boycott Starbucks. I'm sorry, if you're going to boycott Starbucks it should be because it doesn't matter which one you go to, they over-roast their coffee, not because they made a simple design change to a coffee cup.

And Christians, come on! We are better than this! This is petty at its best, and completely alienating at its worst! It's really hard to convince people that I have logical reasons for believing in my faith when I have people running around screaming that Starbucks is waging a War on Christmas because of a minimalist cup design!

Might I also point out that Starbucks, despite their obvious love for Satan with their all-red cup, still sells advent calendars, CD's with songs about Jesus' birth (although, does anyone still buy CD's?) and several Christmas Ornaments that... now be prepared to be shocked, say, "Merry Christmas" on them.

So before we blow up over perceived slights, can we as a community of Christians do something Christ-like and maybe not freak out over nothing? Can we stop painting ourselves as intolerant, insecure people who will overreact to any perceived slight?

We have two months left of this holiday spirit to go people, we can do it! Well, at least, I hope we can do it.

For those of you not putting me on your "naughty" list, you can always find me on Facebook and Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and you can find my books here.

Also this:

 I have imbibed in the red-cup devil's brew. Guess I need to go change my major now to Christmas Grinchery with a minor in Satanism.

Books for Pets

Hello everyone! I hope everyone's weeks were as fantastic as the thought of a million kittens mewing to Cake's "Short Skirt, Long Jacket."

Speaking of kittens, every year during November and December I like to choose a charity that will receive half of my proceeds from my books sold during those months. This year, that charity is SpokAnimal.

SpokAnimal is more than just an animal shelter. Their focus is not only on rescuing animals, but on providing low-cost spay and neuter services to help prevent overpopulation. Furthermore, they host veterinary clinics for low-income families and for the pets and service animals of the homeless.

Every copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" sold (e-book or tree-book) will help SpokAnimal keep up their excellent work both finding homes for cats and dogs and providing services that keep pets healthy!

On another quick note: I have received quite a few questions about how someone might obtain signed and dedicated copies of my books.

If you are wanting to pick up a signed copy of either of my books for yourself or as a gift for someone else please send me a private message on my Facebook author page. Let me know how many books you would like, which titles you would like and who you would like them dedicated to (make sure you spell their name correctly as I will be spelling their names exactly as you tell me). I will respond with where a check can be sent, and will ship the books out as soon as I can after I receive the check.

Books are $13.00 apiece, unless you want to order both "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" then it will be $22.00 for the two together. Shipping and handling is $2.50 for the first book, and $1.00 for each additional book (I can only ship in the U.S. at the moment).

If you are wanting books for Christmas gifts, please make sure you place your order and send payment before December 1 as that is when I will be sending out the Christmas shipment to make sure it reaches everyone on time! If you have any questions please either post them in the comments below or on my Facebook author page.

Of course, half of my proceeds from any signed copies sold during November and December will also help raise money for SpokAnimal!

Well, that's all for this week! Don't forget to look me up on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

Ahoy mateys! Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

This be one of me favorite holidays! When else can ye threaten to keel-haul someone!?

Don't be forgetting, if ye need something extra to hoist yer sails, then swoop in and grab yerself a copy of "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor!" Don't be a land lubber, get yers smartly!

No need to mutiny to raid some of this treasure, just set yer heading fer Amazon!

In honor of International Talk Like a Pirate Day go get yerself some grog and make merry with these pirate facts (after yer done dancin' the hornpipe, a'course)!

1. Pirates didn't often bury their treasure.

Most pirates, immediately upon landing after a raid, would split up the bounty between the members of the crew. Also, keep in mind that a lot of the goods pilfered were things like coffee, fruit or other foodstuffs that would not have stored well. Pirates smelled bad enough on their own, they didn't need rotting food to help with the stench. Sorry land-lubbers, no maps leading to buried treasure!

2. Pirates were not a long-lived sort.

The average career lifespan for a pirate was about two years. The whole lack of hospitals to treat things like gunshot wounds or scurvy had a tendency to make piracy a very short-sighted career choice.

3. Piracy is older than one might think.

There is documentation of seafaring pirates all the way back to ancient Greece. In fact a group of pirates once captured Julius Caesar and held him for ransom (not realizing who he was). After he was released he had every one of the pirates captured and executed. I wonder if they still said "Arrr!" in ancient Greece?

Anne Bonny ~ Seafaring Badass Woman

4. There were women pirates, who were feared just as much, if not more than their male counterparts.

Anne Bonny and Mary Read were two of the most notorious pirates of their day and were rumored to have fought harder and with more ferocity than any of their male counterparts. Lady Ching Shih ran a Chinese pirate fleet that numbered in the hundreds of ships.

5. Naughty pirates rarely were forced to walk the plank.

If you were caught disobeying one of the many rules on board the pirate ship you were most often just thrown overboard, left on a deserted island or keel hauled (drug across the bottom of a barnacle encrusted ship).

6. Pirates piercing their ears was not just a fashion statement.

It was the widespread belief that piercing one's ears with precious metals improved one's eyesight. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

7. Most pirate crews offered worker's compensation for injuries.

Any limbs, fingers or eyes lost in a raid would gain you extra portions on the plunder on most ships. Not only did you get compensated, but you were often assured that you would not lose your job, despite your injury.

Thar ye have it! Don't forget to lay anchor and come ashore to survey me Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

Resolution Solution

Hello! I hope everyone had a more fantastic Christmas week than the thought of a thousand Santas tangoing to "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree!"

This week I was interviewed by author Sittie Cates on her blog! She asked some pretty awesome questions, and if you want some sneak peaks about the future you really should check it out here. 

Well a new year is almost upon us. You know what that means!?

No, come on now, get out from underneath that desk, seeing another year zing by isn't THAT bad. After all, with every year that passes I'm sure we're getting closer to having flying cars and hover boards! (Back to the Future wouldn't lie to me.)

The biggest downside for me in watching a new year roll in, like a bunch of demon-possessed gorillas in a Cadillac, is the societal expectation to have some kind of New Years resolution.

I don't really do New Years resolutions. I don't see the point in waiting until a changing of the calendar to change something about myself. If I need to change something, I just do it.

So for those of you who are like me who really do not wish to be pressured into creating resolutions, here is a list of super easy to complete resolutions that will pretty much cover you:

1. I resolve to continue to breathe this year.

2. I resolve to not use math unless calculating a tip, doing my taxes or trying to see how many hours I have left to sleep if I go to sleep right now.

3. I resolve not to enter into a wrestling match with an angry pterodactyl (seriously, if you fail this resolution, I want pictures!).

4. I resolve to get addicted to at least one show on Netflix, watch all of the seasons, then feel a sense of loss when I have no more of the show to watch.

5. I resolve not to try to fly from the top of a building wearing nothing but a Superman cape (you need the tights at the very least as well).

6. I resolve not to try to become a professional baton twirler.

7. I resolve to continue my exact level of underwater basket weaving (so, none).

8. I resolve to give up my trash to the garbage truck every week, excluding holidays.

9. I resolve to continue to say no to drugs.

10. I resolve to be as awesome as possible.

There you go, ready made resolutions!

If you have any resolutions of your own, feel free to post them in the comments below!

There are a few more days on this year's book sale charity special for "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus." Until the end of the year half of the proceeds made from the book will be going to benefit the YWCA.

I hope everyone has a safe and fun New Years this year! May your new year be even more fantastic than the last!

Feel free to continue to follow me into 2014 on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!

Holidaze

Hello! I hope your week has been going better than the thought of a rendition of the musical "Chicago" performed by specially trained pygmy bunnies.

One excited reader, Dan, sent this picture of his copy brand new copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus:"

Thanks for reading and sharing, Dan!

Thanksgiving is next week, which means I must finally admit, as I have been in denial since late October, that the holidays are upon us.

  

As much as I would love to hold onto my Grinchy attitude until at least next Thursday, the fact that we threw our holiday party for our participants yesterday kind of put the kibosh on that. 

So, in the spirit of every holiday between Thanksgiving and New Years, I donned my ugly sweater and set off to work to decorate and be merry, while not allowing myself to be killed by a giant fake Christmas tree.

What you can't tell in the picture is that this sweater sparkles. My ADHD kicked in super hard that day and I caught myself being distracted by my own sweater multiple times.

We planned for 60 people to show up, we got somewhere between 80 and 100. Somehow we managed to feed everyone and have enough crafts for all of the kids to participate. 

My coworkers made one small error yesterday. I warned them, "I am not good with kids. No, really, anyone under the age of about twelve and I do not get along well."

All of my coworkers laughed it off. How could I not be good with kids, after all I often work with adults who act like children? 

Their disbelief in my lack of child handling abilities translated into me being placed in charge of a crafting station where kids could come and make a simple ornament. After about ten minutes I was completely covered in glitter and looked like I had just thrown a rave with crafting supplies. 

One little boy walked up to me and I smiled and asked, "Would you like to make an ornament?"

I swear, that was all I said, "Would you like to make an ornament?"

He completely melted down and started sobbing at the top of his little lungs (by the way I think kids have more lung capacity than an elephant, just saying, I'm not sure he ever took a breath). 

The mother was looking at me like she expected me to do something. Having no clue what to do I just said, "So... that's a no on making an ornament then?"

My coworkers decided I was probably better at helping keep the food line moving smoothly instead. Overall, though, it was a success, even despite one little kid pulling the fire alarm. I'm glad that we were able to provide some holiday fun for our ladies and their families. 

Speaking of which, in the spirit of the holidays I have decided to donate half of what I make from "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" during the months of November and December to help support the work of the YWCA. 

The YWCA helps women, men and their families who are victims of domestic violence, families facing homelessness, those facing discrimination and a variety of other disenfranchised populations rebuild their lives. I'm choosing to donate to this organization because I believe in their mission to help a person not only survive adversity, but continue on to thrive. If you want to see the impact this organization is having check this video out. So if you buy a book, know that you are also supporting an excellent cause!

Anyways, I hope you all have a wonderfully restful week and enjoy a heavy dose of turkey on Thanksgiving! 

I can always be found on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!