Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

Ahoy mateys! Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

This be one of me favorite holidays! When else can ye threaten to keel-haul someone!?

Don't be forgetting, if ye need something extra to hoist yer sails, then swoop in and grab yerself a copy of "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor!" Don't be a land lubber, get yers smartly!

No need to mutiny to raid some of this treasure, just set yer heading fer Amazon!

In honor of International Talk Like a Pirate Day go get yerself some grog and make merry with these pirate facts (after yer done dancin' the hornpipe, a'course)!

1. Pirates didn't often bury their treasure.

Most pirates, immediately upon landing after a raid, would split up the bounty between the members of the crew. Also, keep in mind that a lot of the goods pilfered were things like coffee, fruit or other foodstuffs that would not have stored well. Pirates smelled bad enough on their own, they didn't need rotting food to help with the stench. Sorry land-lubbers, no maps leading to buried treasure!

2. Pirates were not a long-lived sort.

The average career lifespan for a pirate was about two years. The whole lack of hospitals to treat things like gunshot wounds or scurvy had a tendency to make piracy a very short-sighted career choice.

3. Piracy is older than one might think.

There is documentation of seafaring pirates all the way back to ancient Greece. In fact a group of pirates once captured Julius Caesar and held him for ransom (not realizing who he was). After he was released he had every one of the pirates captured and executed. I wonder if they still said "Arrr!" in ancient Greece?

Anne Bonny ~ Seafaring Badass Woman

4. There were women pirates, who were feared just as much, if not more than their male counterparts.

Anne Bonny and Mary Read were two of the most notorious pirates of their day and were rumored to have fought harder and with more ferocity than any of their male counterparts. Lady Ching Shih ran a Chinese pirate fleet that numbered in the hundreds of ships.

5. Naughty pirates rarely were forced to walk the plank.

If you were caught disobeying one of the many rules on board the pirate ship you were most often just thrown overboard, left on a deserted island or keel hauled (drug across the bottom of a barnacle encrusted ship).

6. Pirates piercing their ears was not just a fashion statement.

It was the widespread belief that piercing one's ears with precious metals improved one's eyesight. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

7. Most pirate crews offered worker's compensation for injuries.

Any limbs, fingers or eyes lost in a raid would gain you extra portions on the plunder on most ships. Not only did you get compensated, but you were often assured that you would not lose your job, despite your injury.

Thar ye have it! Don't forget to lay anchor and come ashore to survey me Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

Who Needs Neverland?

Hello! I hope everyone had a pirate-abduction-free week!

If you have been abducted by pirates, you should write a book, assuming you survived your ordeal.

This week, after I successfully spread jam on my pants, I realized just how amazing it is that the world at large lets me wander through life unsupervised.

Why might I say this? Let me provide you with a few simple reasons:

I Want to Do This, Another Reason Not to Leave me Alone

1. I still eat olives off of the ends of my fingers. I also use Bugles to create dinosaur like claws, and have, in a business meeting made velociraptor noises at a coworker while threatening them with my starchy appendages.
 
2. There are days (particularly writing days) where I may spend my waking hours wearing Batman boxers and a Captain America t-shirt.

3.  I color. A lot. I am also a little picky about my coloring utensils. (Don't you dare give me crayons! It's all about the colored pencils.)

4. I injure myself in stupid, "Holy turd-muffins did that really just happen!?" ways. In the last week alone I have slipped on the ice and fallen into a bush, dropped a toaster on my head and am currently sporting a rather daring looking burn from when I attempted to make tea and forgot that steam is hot. Seriously, just wrap me in bubble wrap already.

5. Unless rather highly caffeinated, I lack the amount of focus to be an effective adult. This inner-dialogue happens often:

This is Basically My Life, Though, I Do Have Less Fur

"I should write. Hey, look, Facebook! I should really write. Ooooooo a new article about <insert nerdy topic such as "15 Ways the Myers Briggs can be used in tandem with the 16PF for determining job success"\>! No, really I should write. I wonder what so-and-so is up to? I really should write. Why is it 10 pm already!?"

When the entire world is one big, shiny, disco-esque ball of distractions, one needs to have the ability to resolutely focus on the task at hand. Sadly, I have yet to find any such form of resolution.

6. I sometimes feel upset with people that I've had conflicts in my dreams with. It sometimes takes me a while after waking up to not feel a sense of angst towards them. I realize this is completely irrational, yet, when I see them I can't help thinking something like, "How DARE  you throw that trout at my head! You're just lucky I had a tennis racket to defend myself with or I'd be really miffed!"

7. It is nearly impossible for me to clean my apartment without the aid of either Disney music or Broadway show tunes, which, of course, I must sing along to. I cannot imagine the confusion my neighbors must feel on a weekly basis hearing a tenor belt out "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid. You're welcome neighbors.

8. I don't always express emotions that are totally compatible with one another. Rather like the mismatched character in a buddy-cop comedy film, what I am feeling very rarely makes sense in tandem.

 

Ask me the question, "How are you doing today?" at your own risk. The answer may very well end up being something like, "Oh just dandy, except for that little part of me that wants to drop-kick my work computer from the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro, but otherwise just peachy!"

9. When bored, I develop survival plans for either a zombie apocalypse or for if the movie Jurassic Park were to become a reality. I have an egress and safety plan for nearly every social work agency in Spokane now thanks to meetings that I had to pretend to be fascinated with.

10. There have been days when I have been literally steps from leaving my apartment and thought, "I think something is missing," only to look down and discover that I have forgotten a vital piece of clothing. Last week, I nearly left without wearing a shirt under my vest. I once attempted to trundle off to the gym at o-dark-early without my customary basketball shorts.  I have also gone to the restroom mid-day only to discover that I have somehow managed to put my underwear on inside out.

It's incredible, really, that I'm allowed in public without a posse of people following me to make sure I don't accidentally release Godzilla on the city.What are some reasons that you may not be safe to be let among the populace at large?

Remember the contest to win a free t-shirt will be going until the end of this month! Entering is extremely easy, just vote for "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" to win The People's Choice Award! Then let me know that you've done so either in the comments below or on my Facebook page!

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