Ch-ch-ch-changes!

Hello everyone! I hope your weeks have been more fantastic than the thought of a thousand free-range lemmings synchronized diving to Queen's Don't Stop Me Now!

Sadly, that could accurately describe my life right now, which is why this post is so late. My bad. But maybe you'll cut me a little slack. You see in the past two weeks I have accepted a position at a graduate school in Arizona, sold my truck, bought a car, quit my job, had to find a new place to live, begun the packing process and basically am about three seconds away from going utterly and completely insane.

The picture to the right is what my apartment currently looks like.

Yes indeed, that mass of boxes and a nearly buried bookcase basically sums up my earthly possessions. At this point I am truly sad that there is no incredible transporter room like on the Enterprise that can beam my belongings directly to Arizona. Nerd sigh.

I promise that when I move and get settled in, I will begin posting again with more regularity. I also swear I will get back to posting on Case (Un)Managed, but with life currently in it's unmanageable state, I'm afraid I have had to temporarily let that one sit for a second as well.

So the next time I post, if everything goes according to plan, I will be posting from Arizona. Of course for that to happen I need to get everything I own into the back of a truck and then somehow convince my two agoraphobic cats that spending a couple days cooped up in a vehicle listening to me belt 80's music isn't so bad.

Wish me luck.

In other news, Free the Shorts! has had a successful run so far! As I write this post it is sitting at #1 on Amazon Kindle's Humor and Entertainment Essays list! Here are what the reader reviews are saying thus far:

"...it's worth a Five-Star rating, hands down."

"It's hard to be grumpy or continue to have a bad day if you read anything Allison writes- she is an absolute laugh riot"

"Hahahahaha. So good I went right out and bought the next book."

"Hilarious! I loved the HULK SMASH chapter and the part about the raccoon. Allison Hawn is very funny." 

Thank you to everyone who has read a copy so far! If you haven't yet, go grab your free copy and give it a read! If you enjoy it, post a review! 

As always I can be found on Facebook and Twitter and my books can be found here!

Free the Shorts!

Hello all! I hope your weeks have been more fantastic than the thought of the Chipmunks singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight!"

Well it is out! Free the Shorts! is, as the title would imply, free on Amazon and Barnes & Noble!

This collection includes six stories, four brand new stories and two from my previous two books. It's a great deal considering the only thing it's going to cost you is a few KB's of memory on your phone, computer, e-reader! Heck, it would even fit on a floppy disk!

So go snatch up your copy! If you enjoy it, do a poor author a favor and leave a review!

In other news Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus received yet another five star review! Reader Sarodnap writes, "Lovely read."

To see what's so lovely about it check it out here!

As always, I am fairly easily found on Facebook and Twitter (@AllisonHawn)! Come say hello!

Deja Moo... The Feeling I've Heard This Bull Before

Hello all! I hope everyone has had a week that is better than the thought of wombats synchronized swimming to Ballroom Blitz!

Alright, so I am just going to get this out of the way. As a resident Spokanite I should probably say a few things about this whole Rachel Dolezal thing, mostly because non-Spokanites won't stop asking me about it.

I find it a little funny that right before this whole thing blew up I wrote a piece on this blog about cultural appropriation. No seriously, scroll down, it's the post right below this one.

Just in case you need a refresher however, here is that lovely definition of cultural appropriation again:

Keeping that in mind, here are the points I would like to make:

1. No one is denying that Rachel Dolezal did a lot of work in the area of equality. The conundrum is that she trampled equality and was deceitful in doing so. You can't claim to be "culturally appropriating for equality" anymore than you can claim to be "bombing for peace."

2. No one in Spokane is mistaking Dolezal's self labeled transracial, which is not really a viable thing actually, with Caitlyn Jenner's transgender transition (how many times can I fit "trans" into one sentence). That was a comparison ya'll outside of Spokane developed and ran with. For the record, no, they are not the same, and no one (outside of our news media, which is weird anyways) in Spokane believes they are the same.

3. Spokane is a weird city. No, seriously, the first headline on the Spokane local news that I read this morning was "Spokane pizza delivery killer denied early release." Honestly, there are so many things in Spokane that could make international news, we're just shocked that the Rachel Dolezal mess was what made it.

So if I've satisfied all the news scandal interest I do have a quick announcement to make. While I work on edits for my third book Life is a Roller Derby Run by a Sphinx, I have decided to release a little collection of stories called Free the Shorts!

This collection will feature four new stories and two stories, one each from my previous books. The best part, it's going to be free! That's right, zero dollars and zero cents!

If the internet deities smiled upon me it will up within the next week or so, watch for more announcements here, on my Facebook and Twitter (@AllisonHawn).

A Smorgasbord of Happiness!

Hello all! I hope you all had weeks that were more fantastic than the thought of a billion termites doing the Charlie Brown dance!

First off, "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" is available for pre-order on Kindle!!! Both the digital and the print version will be released September 7th, but you can pre-order it here!

In other news, I was recently interviewed about "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" by the wonderful Carla Sarett! You can read the full interview by clicking on this link.

I want to send out a hearty, raised pint of ale, thank you to everyone who downloaded the Kindle version of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" during the free promotion this past week! Thanks to the 5,078 downloads, my book made it to #49 on Amazon's Kindle Book List, and #1 in Kindle Humor Books!

There it is!!!

Thank you to everyone who downloaded a copy during our promotion!

Remember, reviews are like tips for authors. If you enjoyed "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" do me a huge favor and leave a review! It will make me do a happy dance in my living room. So give my neighbors the gift of free entertainment and leave a review!

As always, I can be found on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

FREEEEEEEEDOM!

Free Until August 26th for Kindle!

Hello everyone! I hope you all had weeks that were better than the thought of "The Princess Bride" reenacted by neon painted termites!

Well I have some rad-tacular news for you all!

To promote my upcoming book, "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor," my publisher, "Sweatshoppe Publications" has decided to give all of those who haven't read my first book yet a chance to read it free of charge!

That's right, until August 26th, "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" for the Kindle will be absolutely free!

So head on over to Amazon and snag a copy during this awesome promotion!

If you happen to enjoy the book, do me a favor and drop me a quick review to let other readers know how much fun you had reading it!

Don't forget to keep up to date on all of the news on my upcoming book "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!!!

We Have a (Sorta) Winner!!!

Alright folks. I know you're mostly here to find out who won the Terrible Writing Contest for the signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus", so I won't dillydally. I think that should be counted as my good deed for the day.

Thank you to everyone who entered! It was a tough decision. Every entry was truly awful in totally rad ways.

After much deliberation I winnowed down my choices to D.L. Mackenzie's whopper of a sentence:

"A grey pall of boredom--not the ordinary boredom one might experience while listening to another of Uncle Chet's long-winded tales of his glory days in the San Jose Police motor pool maintenance crew, but a rather more sudden and intense lack of stimulation, like a kind of waking narcolepsy--failed to fall over the room (as might have been anticipated under the circumstances), for Jolly Jim Fitch had arrived quite unexpectedly (after having maintained emphatically for days--as he often did--that he would not do so), bearing liquor and ribald anecdotes, a welcome departure from the proceedings thus far, but one which would ultimately prove as disappointingly dull as the surface of a piece of unfinished furniture left in the driveway of an abandoned tenement for a couple of months during a rainy spell even wetter than the rainy spells to which we were now so accustomed since the atomic bomb blast which had leveled our city, altering the weather, not to mention apparently touching off the zombie apocalypse Uncle Chet had so often warned us about."

Congratulations D.L. on devising a sentence/paragraph that makes sense in an almost nonsensical way!

I did also want to also share a couple of Honorable(?) Mentions.

Brian Patrick McKinley:

"The night was moist."

Patrick Casey:

 "Hail!" shouted Nathan Hale over the wail of pale hail that hailed down around him, nailing him in the cranium."

Again, thank you to everyone who entered my little contest! If you didn't win this time around, don't worry, another contest will happen soon, I promise.

If you wish to follow my movements more closely without the use of binoculars, you can find me on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn), or Goodreads!

A Very Merry Unbirthday Contest

Hello everyone! I hope you have all had splendidly awesome weeks!

This week Normally Surreal turns one year old! You know what that means?

As a way to say thank you to all of my followers, commentators and people who ended up here by mistake, I have decided to run a little contest.

It is true that it is difficult to write well, but it can be just has hard to write terribly. That is why there are contests, such as the famed Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, to find people who can skillfully craft a terrible work of fiction.

For instance the 2011 winner of the Bulwer-Lytton won with this entry:

"Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories." — Sue Fondrie, Oshkosh, WI

Human/Velociraptor Not Included

The rules of this contest are simple, write one terrible opening line to a story and post it in the comments below or on the contest announcement pinned to the top of my Facebook page. Two weeks from now, I will pick a winner to receive a signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus!"

So show me your creative writing side, and don't worry if it's bad, that's the point!

Thanks again to everyone who has followed me through the bizarre journey that is my life for the past year! You guys are more fantastic than the thought of a thousand wombats playing "Carry on My Wayward Son" on harmonicas!

As always, feel free to follow my exploits on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!

Brand New Year, Brand New Contest

Hello everyone! I hope that your New Years was more fabulous than the thought of a rendition of "Lion King" reenacted by puppets made from vegetables!

I also sincerely hope your New Years celebration was more like this:

And not so much like this:

Well, exciting news, "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" has been nominated for The Peoples' Choice Award through Acclaimed Books!

As the title would denote, it is an award that is given to the book that can get the most amount of votes of those nominated for that month.

In honor of the new year and this nomination (and yes, a little shameless bribery as well), I have decided to drum up a little contest. All you have to do is click on the link and vote for my book before the end of January and then mention that you did so on the post pinned to the top of my Facebook Page.

Really, that's all you have to do to enter! What are you entering yourself to win? A "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" shirt!

The shirt is a super comfy cotton blend, great for just about any occasion (I'm sure no one would be upset if you wore this to a wedding) and is guaranteed to make you feel just a tad more heroic and awesome instantaneously upon donning it! (Which is what I'm guessing happened to me in this photo.)

Disclaimer: This contest is for the shirt. Hat, glasses, implied pants and author not included.

So vote, then tell me you've done so and enter to win an awesome shirt!

As always you can follow my madcap exploits on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!

Just Call Me Santa's Back-Up

Hello! I hope everyone has had a more fantastic week than the thought of a thousand snowmen running amok in a shopping mall to the song "Santa Baby!" 

My week ended with me trying to help someone move out of their apartment, in the middle of snowstorm, and getting stuck underneath a futon that fell on me in an icy parking lot. Good times!

 

Well, Christmas is almost upon us. In case you are looking for that last minute Christmas gift, remember "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" is sure to bring a smile to even the Grinchiest of person's faces. Half of the sales I make from the book this month will be going to benefit the YWCA in their efforts to combat racism, help victims of domestic violence and help the homeless!

In other news, I was interviewed by author Carla Sarett on her blog this past week! She asked me about some of the books that have greatly impacted my life, so if you're interested in finding something to add to your reading list, check out the interview here. 

I don't know about everyone else, but Christmas sneaked up on me this year. One minute I was just going along, living my life, and then BAM! Christmas is less than a week away!

If you were as surprised as I was, then it is fully possible that you haven't quite finished your Christmas shopping yet either.

It's ok, I've got your back. Today I provide, free of charge, some of the best Christmas gifts that you can give anyone. Even that super-hard to shop for person, who claims all they want is "world peace" but really wants you to read their mind, can be placated with these little certificates. 

(Please click to enlarge and print at your leisure.)

Feel free to stick these in a card, I'm sure no one will complain about these gifts! I hope you all have a Merry Christmas! Don't go overboard on the eggnog!

As always, if you wish to follow my exploits you can find me on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!

Conundrum is an Awesome Word

Hello all! Well, we survived another week without alien invasion or Godzilla attack. I think we should all count that as a success.

Just a quick reminder. I do have a contest going on that will not only garner a winner a signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus," but the winner will also have their own writing talents showcased in my next book.

All you have to do to enter is complete the statement, "Going through airport security is like..." in either the comments below or on any of the Facebook posts about it. I've already gotten some awesome entries, but keep them coming people!

So I stumbled upon this little gem of a book recently:

Author John Hartnett captures a wonderful slice of family life in his book "The Barber's Conundrum." Vacillating between commentary on parenting, lampooning magazines and televised news and providing snarky tips for restaurant owners, this collection of essays and anecdotes will leave you smiling. Hartnett's writing is easy to relate to and great for either short reading spurts or a longer time spent curled up in a cozy chair.

What is even better is that I was able to snag an interview with author John Hartnett!

What motivated you to start writing? 

Do you mean besides having an excuse not to fold laundry? I've always had a love of writing, books, movies and art and even before putting pen to paper, I was always "writing" jokes and playing with words in my head to use in everyday conversation.  I knew from an early age that I wanted to be a comedy writer and that was the impetus to start.

Regardless of how many books I sell or how many people read my work, mentally and emotionally, I need a creative outlet in order to feel fulfilled.  It's a big reason why I started my humor blog, The Monkey Bellhop.  I try to post new material there at least three or four days a week.   Also, writing makes it easier to justify not working out.  I run hot and cold with exercise.  Right now, my body is telling me it has hypothermia.

 If you could rewrite any book or movie as a musical, which one would it be and why?

Great question.  I think I would take a crack at turning "The Catcher in the Rye" into a musical because the day it opened, I would go to the cemetery where J.D. Salinger is buried so I could find out once and for all whether people really can turn over in their graves.

What was your favorite part about writing "The Barber's Conundrum?"

Finishing it!  I did everything myself including copy editing, layout, cover design, etc.  It wasn't because I thought I was the most qualified person for the job, I'm just notoriously cheap.  In retrospect, I don't recommend being your own editor or cover designer, unless you have real skills there, and hope I don't have to do it again.

I did feel a great sense of accomplishment in putting it all together but the best part overall has been the initial reaction to the stories which were very positive and encouraging.  The reviews on Amazon have helped me to have faith that there is an audience for my book.

I made a decision very early in the writing process not to use any profanity or to write about anything overly offensive since there's already a lot of that material out there.  I'm not a prude or anything, it was just a choice I made about my work.  I think that as a result,  the appeal has broadened a bit to a much wider demographic than I had initially envisioned.  I have had parents tell me that their kids got a kick out of the school stories like The School Project: An American Tragedy, Making Homework History and The Only Child Rearing Book You'll Ever Need.

Your book is in the running for the Amazon Best Indie Book Awards, how excited are you for that?

I'm very excited. As an independent self-published author among a virtual sea of independent self published authors, I'm honored and more than slightly amazed to be recognized at all.   I try to do as much outreach as I can to promote my book, as all independents have to, but there are days where you feel the odds of anyone "finding" your book are greater than discovering a message in a bottle in the middle of the Atlantic that contains all 5 winning Powerball numbers.  I tell people that marketing a self published book is akin to a salmon run made all the more difficult because the salmon representing your book is also deceased. 

If you had to choose between eating nothing but custard pie for the rest of your life or being stuck in a room with  a very annoyed gorilla for a day, which would you choose?

I would probably go with the gorilla as long as he is not a term life insurance salesman.  Or a trained custard pie chef.  You didn't clarify, so unless that's the case, I'll go with the gorilla.  One thing I don't need is one of those O Henry like twists to mark the end of my days on Earth.  I want something fast and easy.  My goal is to just find myself in Heaven and the first words that come out of my mouth are, "What hit me?"

Thank you John! For those interested in picking yourself up a copy of "The Barber's Conundrum" you can do so via Earlybird Press, Amazon, Smashwords and Barnes and Noble.

"Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" is getting some awesome reviews!

Amazon reader FromtheAshes says: "Allison's talent at seeing the random and hilarious side of every situation provides the reader with sore sides and a refreshed mind. This book is perfect for those moments when you're looking for a short, but light-hearted, read. The stories are entertaining and the lessons at the end of each are sure to amuse and make you nod your head in agreement. I look forward to reading more from Allison!"

Thank you again to all the readers who write reviews, as a first time author they make a huge impact!

As always, feel free to follow my daily adventures on Facebook, Goodreads and Twitter!

Write Yourself Into Infamy!!!

Good evening! I hope everyone had a superb weekend and at least somewhat survived Monday.

Considering this morning I ended up applying foundation to my armpits before I realized that the bottle I was holding was not, in fact, deodorant, we can guess how my Monday went. At least my armpits were pretty today, right?

So I'm afraid this past weekend went blog-post-less because all of my brain cells, in unison, decided to go on a vacation to Tahiti. I really wish they would have taken the rest of my body with them, jerks.

Well first thing's first, Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus has been added to the Barnes and Noble catalog! Isn't that spiffy!?

Now to the more important bit, how would you not only like to win a signed copy of Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus, but showcase your own creative writing talents in my next book?

If that sounds supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (and yes, as a person with dyslexia that is a HARD word to spell), then read on!

This sometimes happens:

I was writing this past week when I ran into a moment where I started one of my similes, and got stuck for a second. It wasn't a long second, but it was long enough for this thought to pop in my head like a gremlin cooked in a microwave, "You know what, maybe someone else would like to give these a shot?"

So here's the contest, we are going to play a game of Complete the Simile. The person who comes up with the funniest and most creative end to, "Going through airport security is like..." will receive a free signed copy of Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus and their excellent simile, with credit given of course, will go into my next book! 

I promise the book I am offering for this contest is not the one with the teeth marks from my moment of velociraptor-like excitement.

If you would like to enter, either leave your entry in the comments below or on this Facebook page in reply to any of the posts that mention this contest! Share this contest with your friends, it won't be any fun if only a few people participate!

Come on people, show me what you've got!

Remember, you can always follow my off-kilter exploits on Facebook, Twitter or Goodreads!

War is Upon Us... Oh, and There's a Contest Too!

Well happy June all of you warm weather loving folks (if you don't like warm weather, shush and move to Antarctica)!

First things first, remember that book that I drew a picture of Godzilla (or at least attempted to draw Godzilla) burning down a random city in? You know, this one:

Well now you have a chance to be the owner of that exact copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" via a little contest starting today!  I will also be signing and dedicating the copy to the winner before I entrust it to the U.S. Postal Service to deliver it right to the winner's door!

So how do you get entered for a chance to win? Well it's actually very simple to get yourself in the running, hop on over to my Facebook Page and "Like" my author page. Then, find the post announcing this contest (it will be really close to the top of the feed) and click the "Share" button on that post and let your friends know about the contest too!

Only those who both like my author page and share the contest post with their friends will be entered (you can't just like my page and then try to keep the contest all to yourself, be nice to your friends and share, your kindergarten teacher taught you better than that). That's all there is to it, so go out there and click the two little buttons that will get you entered to win your very own signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus!"

In other news, June 8th I will be at Monkeyboy Books in downtown Spokane from 1 to 3 pm for a book signing! Don't have a copy yet? That's ok, because Boo Radley's has just started carrying "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" in their store! Check it out (and yes, I know the camera on my chunky old phone takes pictures just about as well as a 2 year old with a disposable camera):

Isn't that spiffy?

Well, my job working with street involved and homeless youth often times means I get to meet some... shall we say, characters?

One such character approached me this week looking for food. He looked deep into my eyes and said, "You know that there is a war going on in downtown Spokane, right?"

I just kind of smirked and said, "Oh? And who is fighting this war? And would you like a sandwich?"

He stared more deeply into my eyes and loudly announced, "How can you not see the angels, demons and aliens, they are fighting in the clouds right now!!!"

I'm not sure if this person was just trying to follow George Lucas' "Indiana Jones" train of thought (three super successful movies based in religion, then you switch to hokey looking aliens just because you had set pieces left over from Star Wars, really George, come on!?), but looking up I did not see any such entities battling for domination of Spokane, Washington.

I just blinked at the man for a second, not really wanting to confirm or deny his delusion of cloud battling creatures. That was when he noticed something.

I have several tattoos (and by "several" I mean if I'm wearing a tank top I probably would remind someone of a 1930's painted lady), and the largest and most noticeable of them is a chest piece of a wonderful angel (artistically designed and implemented by Em at Talon Tattoo). I was wearing a tank top that day.

My new information sharing friend saw my tattoo and his eyes got wide enough that I probably could have driven a military Hummer leading several obese elephants through his gaze, "You're one of them!!!"

I just continued to blink for a second until he gasped out, "You're one of the angels!"

I sighed, "I'm guessing you're not a huge fan of the angels then?"

"No! They are beating the aliens, and I like the aliens."

So for my more visual readers, he was concerned that this:

 was going to beat this in battle:

I took a deep breath and said, "Ok... Well despite the fact that I'm an "angel," would you like a sandwich or not?"

He peered at me suspiciously, "But then the aliens would know if I took aid from an angel."

"Well, I won't tell them, plus if you eat the sandwich then all the evidence will disappear."

He peered at me some more then said, "Ok, I'll take the risk," and he snatched the sandwich out of my hand and skittered off down the street.

I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out why aliens, angels and demons would be so intent on fighting over Spokane. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love this city, but our biggest attraction is that we have the world's biggest 3-on-3 basketball tournament here every year. It's not like we're really that desirable of a place to invade and control. Maybe Hoopfest is just that important to the world beyond our own?

In any case, at least I'm beating the aliens right?

So, a question for my readers, if there were a war between aliens, angels and demons, who would you put your money on?

Well don't forget to head over to my Facebook Page to enter yourself to win a special signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Circus!" Feel free to also follow me on Twitter and Goodreads!