The Miracle I Don't Want

Hello everyone! I hope your weeks have been more fantastic than the thought of a thousand Ewoks jamming out to a jazz cover of Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby!"

So this week I turned 25. That's right, I am the ripe old age of 25 and despite paying for and earning a four-year university degree, having managed multiple non-profit programs and being a published author, it seems that I am lacking the true requirement to be a successful human being: I don't have kids.

Please don't take the following as a condemnation of any woman who wants to have kids; motherhood is a noble and daring vocation. However, it is not for me.

Don't get me wrong, I like kids when I can hand them back to their parents the second they start to make a sound/ooze/smell. As a long term enterprise, however, child rearing is not something I'm really interested in.

Your first clue that I should not be having kids, by the way, is that I just referred to them as a "long term enterprise."

I am not going into all of the reasons I don't want to have kids here, because that could be it's own book to be perfectly honest.

It is incredible to me, though, how many things people are willing to say in judgement when I honestly say that I do not wish to procreate.

Today's post is the things that people need to stop saying to women who don't want children. All of these things have been said to me on more than one occasion, and I've had other friends who have corroborated that these statements happen as well. So please just stop.

"But you're a woman, don't you have a natural/biological desire to have kids?"

My Reaction to that Question

Alrighty, not only is that sexist, but utterly illogical. The human body is capable of a great many things that come as part of the packaged deal that we don't necessarily want to experience.  My body is naturally capable of developing kidney stones, hypothyroidism and blood clots, that doesn't mean that I have a "natural" desire to have these conditions manifest.

Believe it or not, not every person on the planet with a uterus wants to have kids.

 "Oh, well, you'll change your mind."

Funny, that's what people said to me 20 years ago when I was happily coloring in my dinosaur coloring book. Strange thing is, my mind has yet to change (and I am still coloring in my dinosaur coloring book).

That's Right, You're Jealous of My Tye-Dye Dinosaur

"What do you do all day?"

Oh, you know, mostly this:

Yep, I spend all day engaged in shenanigans and useless activities that basically make me a breathing, sushi consuming, water-filled waste of space.

Or I could be working my forty-plus-hours a week job, volunteering my time in my community, writing books, helping my elderly neighbor get her groceries into her apartment...

"Who will take care of you when you get older?"

This Cat Has No Kittens

Hopefully a really hot in-home nurse at my beachfront condo, who will think it's super precocious when I click the "Life Alert" button every five minutes.

After all I'm not spending the $241,080 that the U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates it costs to raise a child until the age of eighteen, so why not? (Then again, I am a social worker...)


"But Babies Are So Precious!"

Yes, I will concede, babies are adorable.

However, the parents of small children are not. I have yet to run into the parent of a newborn who didn't look something like the picture to the right.

I have a friend who didn't realize that she had a Cheeto stuck in her hair for three days because her baby was teething. Thanks, but I think I'd prefer to avoid a period in my life where I have all the functioning capacity of a zombie due to something small and cute.

"Kids Give Your Life Meaning!"

Even the Octopus is Sick of that One

Nope, I think you're mistaking me with you. Kids might give your life meaning, but not mine.

Also, if kids are the only thing that can give your life meaning on this planet, might I point out that life is going to be rather unpleasant for you when your kids grow up and you become an empty-nester.

It is possible to lead a rich and fulfilling life without having children, I promise.

"But, you have nothing to talk about with people who are parents."

Sorry, I don't feel like pushing the equivalent of a nine pound breathing watermelon out of my body just so I can have a conversation piece.

"Your biological clock is ticking!"

This would be sooooo much more meaningful if I actually wanted kids. Since I don't, that's kind of an empty threat. It's kind of like telling me that if I don't jump into the shark tank, I won't ever get to experience being eaten by sharks!

I don't want kids, so whatever reproductive abilities I lose with age really don't concern me much. If I could sum it up:

"You're just being selfish."

Really? I am acknowledging that I do not have the desire or motivation to have children instead of begrudgingly bringing them into the world, which is already overpopulated and plagued with a million and one ills, due to some ancient entrenched societal expectation. Yep, I'm "being selfish."

To any other women out there who don't have or don't want kids, what are you sick of hearing people say?

As always you can find my childless self on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

The Dark Knight Has a Meltdown

Hello! I hope everyone had a better Halloween than the thought of thousands of bats squeaking along to the tune of "The Monster Mash!"

A couple weeks ago I mentioned I would holding another contest, and I finally got off my tuckus and set that up! You now have a chance to win a signed copy of Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus!

 If you are interested in entering, it is easier than cutting through butter with a lightsaber. My Facebook author page has around 250 likes. If I can get that number up to at least 300 likes before next Saturday (November 9) I will be selecting a person at random from those likes to receive a signed copy of my book!

Head on over to my author page, like and share it and make sure you're in the running to win!

Well my favorite holiday was this past week. Halloween, sadly, nearly always falls during the work week, which makes celebrating it a little interesting.

My Halloween day started when I went to the gym and was met with a clown at the front desk. I am not a huge fan of clowns, and can you blame me?

I just can't trust anyone who wears that much make-up and smiles all the time, which is probably why I would never trust Kim Kardashian. Also, can someone please explain to me why clowns pockets are so big? Is that where they are keeping the children they steal?

Anyways, 5:30 in the morning is far too early to be faced with clowns. Just saying.

At work, however, the daycare that is situated below our offices brought their munchkins up to do a little office Trick or Treating.

The kids were adorable. I got to watch as Spiderman got his mask on a little sideways and walked into a wall, Thor wiped his nose on his mighty hammer and a "demon-fairy" (her description, not mine) bit a very confused Ninja Turtle.

Probably the best one that I saw, however, was this little boy dressed as Batman. He was walking along and stepped on his own cape, which came off. He totally lost it, "My *sob* cape came *sniffle* off!"

Yep, that is exactly what Batman does, "Alfred! *sniffle* My glove *sob* has a *sniffle* hole in it!"

It was only after the daycare teacher reattached the cape and the little ladybug behind him in line gave him half of a package of Smarties, was the Dark Knight ready to combat the forces of evil again.

Did anyone else get to witness any adorable munchkins on Halloween?

Don't forget to enter the contest on my Facebook page!

You can also follow me on Twitter and Goodreads!