Weapons for Everyone!

 Hello all! I hope you have all had a better week than a thought of Game of Thrones: The Opera!

"Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" has been out for nearly a month now, and so far the feedback I've been getting from readers has been awesome!

In her review reader Charissa said, "Even better than her first book. A group of real life stories that will keep you giggling all day long!"

Your very own copy of "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" is only one Amazon click away!

Well, for those of you who don't know, I transitioned jobs about three months ago. I am now the Security Coordinator for the largest homeless shelter and drop-in center in Spokane.

What does that mean? Basically, I'm the floor case manager. I keep everyone calm and and spend a majority of my time doing emotional triage.

For instance, this past week I got in the face of gang banger, who was at least a foot taller than me, and told him if he didn't behave I would make sure he didn't get cake for a week, and then reminded him where he could get a voucher for a new ID.

He sat quietly for the rest of the day before he went to go get his new state ID.

One aspect of my job that I have to check in or confiscate any and all weapons that I see. So far the items piled up in my office have been fascinating, and often at the end of the day I find myself pondering the life choices that I made to end up sitting with half of a skateboard under my desk.

How strange are the items I end up with? Here, check it out for yourself, and believe me this is not even close to an extensive or complete list:

Sword - I originally thought the sword was a fake plastic one until I picked up and realized, nope, that's a real sword. The super delusional person who it belonged informed me that it could magically keep away, "Communists and prosthetic chicken leg salesmen."

Hat Rack - Because why not bludgeon in style?

Knife Carved Out of a Salad Tong - "Hey, why do you have a salad to-- Is that a knife!?"

The Leaf From a Table - Somewhere there is a person whose table will forever only be able to seat four people, never six.

Glitter and Rainbow Paint Covered Metal Rod - At least this person wanted to bring some joy to the world with his deadly weapon.

Chainsaw - "I don't care that it's out of gas! You can't bring it in here!"

Crossbow - Again, not a toy, but an actual bolt shooting crossbow. No, I have no clue how this person obtained a crossbow. What I do know is it got to sit in my office for a good long time.

The Duck Mace - As in a metal rod that someone had tied a string to and on the other end of that string was a rubber duck. I wasn't going to let someone go medieval with a duck mace.

The Handle to a Lawn Mower - We have no idea where the rest of the lawn mower is, and to be honest we don't want to know.

A Can of "Fresh-Laundry" Scented Febreeze - It was used to both mace people and bludgeon them, but left them smelling fresh and clean!

All in all, the job is going fairly well, chainsaw aside. Does anyone else have any fun work confiscations they'd like to share?

Remember you can always find me on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and  Goodreads!

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

Ahoy mateys! Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

This be one of me favorite holidays! When else can ye threaten to keel-haul someone!?

Don't be forgetting, if ye need something extra to hoist yer sails, then swoop in and grab yerself a copy of "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor!" Don't be a land lubber, get yers smartly!

No need to mutiny to raid some of this treasure, just set yer heading fer Amazon!

In honor of International Talk Like a Pirate Day go get yerself some grog and make merry with these pirate facts (after yer done dancin' the hornpipe, a'course)!

1. Pirates didn't often bury their treasure.

Most pirates, immediately upon landing after a raid, would split up the bounty between the members of the crew. Also, keep in mind that a lot of the goods pilfered were things like coffee, fruit or other foodstuffs that would not have stored well. Pirates smelled bad enough on their own, they didn't need rotting food to help with the stench. Sorry land-lubbers, no maps leading to buried treasure!

2. Pirates were not a long-lived sort.

The average career lifespan for a pirate was about two years. The whole lack of hospitals to treat things like gunshot wounds or scurvy had a tendency to make piracy a very short-sighted career choice.

3. Piracy is older than one might think.

There is documentation of seafaring pirates all the way back to ancient Greece. In fact a group of pirates once captured Julius Caesar and held him for ransom (not realizing who he was). After he was released he had every one of the pirates captured and executed. I wonder if they still said "Arrr!" in ancient Greece?

Anne Bonny ~ Seafaring Badass Woman

4. There were women pirates, who were feared just as much, if not more than their male counterparts.

Anne Bonny and Mary Read were two of the most notorious pirates of their day and were rumored to have fought harder and with more ferocity than any of their male counterparts. Lady Ching Shih ran a Chinese pirate fleet that numbered in the hundreds of ships.

5. Naughty pirates rarely were forced to walk the plank.

If you were caught disobeying one of the many rules on board the pirate ship you were most often just thrown overboard, left on a deserted island or keel hauled (drug across the bottom of a barnacle encrusted ship).

6. Pirates piercing their ears was not just a fashion statement.

It was the widespread belief that piercing one's ears with precious metals improved one's eyesight. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

7. Most pirate crews offered worker's compensation for injuries.

Any limbs, fingers or eyes lost in a raid would gain you extra portions on the plunder on most ships. Not only did you get compensated, but you were often assured that you would not lose your job, despite your injury.

Thar ye have it! Don't forget to lay anchor and come ashore to survey me Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

What a Release...

Hello all! I hope your weeks were more fantastic than the thought of rainbow dyed badgers learning to dance the Running Man!

Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor has been out for nearly a week!!! And so far I'm hearing some pretty rad things about it from readers! Of course, you don't have to take my word for it, you can take a see for yourself!

I have a quick round of thank you's to go through.

First off, thank you to Sweatshoppe Publications and editor Craig Hart for not putting both Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor and Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus in the dreaded slush pile, but picking both for publication!

There is a hearty raised pint of ale thank you also to artist Anthony Carpenter and cover designer Paul Brand for their excellent job on the cover!

Thank you to Charissa Dufour, Shayna Shute and CarolBeth Hawn who all helped with the initial editing before the book went to my publisher!

Also to all of my friends and family who have offered their support of my writing, thank you! And finally, a huge thank you to my readers, without your interest neither of my books would exist.

To be my absolute cheesiest: 

So the number one thing I have been asked is, "Are you excited about your book being out!?"

What people don't realize is the that when they ask that question they are touching on the very tip of a complex iceberg of emotions.

The short answer is, "Of course I'm excited that over a year's worth of work has resulted in my publisher not laughing me out of his office and actually putting my words into print!"

The much less short answer is this:

Yes, I'm excited... and anxiety ridden, happy to have the book out, terrified of what release week looks like, bouncing off the walls with energy, worried I didn't do enough preparation/publicity/take enough Prozac, trying to stay motivated enough to continue publicizing, desperately trying to keep myself from sitting and clicking the "refresh" button to see if my Amazon rankings have changed...

Release day for an author is exuberant joy, extreme trepidation and every major emotion in between rolled into one. I have been a public speaker, sung jazz, performed stand-up comedy; but by far the most terrifying thing I have faced is both of my books' release days.

So, yes, every author is excited for their book to come out, but there is a reason we often look like we tried to style our hair with a blender and have yet to discover that our shirt is backwards and inside out on release day.

It is totally worth it though, particularly when I hear such wonderful things from readers! So, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my books! It means the world to me, and I will thank as many of you as I can in person when I eventually get my hair untangled from my blender.

As always, come find me on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!

Release the Velociraptors!!!

Today's the day! "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" is out and available for purchase!

Insane Author Not Included

Don't miss out on the sequel to "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus!" Grab your copy of "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" today!

Check in today on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads for plenty of swashbuckling updates!!!

Advance Notice

Hello all! I hope you all had weeks that were better than the thought of a hoedown hosted by overall-clad talking muffins!

Well, we are only two days away from the release of "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor!"
(Remember the Kindle version is available for pre-order!)

To give you an idea of what you could be getting yourselves into, I have some of the advance reviews for my new book!

"Once again, as I picked up Ms. Hawn's book, I anticipated a strange adventure, judging from the title. What I got was that and so much more. Ms. Hawn delivers in a way that only she can, having a sense of humor that can only be described as "unique" and "one of a kind". I enjoyed this one incredibly and look forward to her third, as Ms. Hawn never disappoints."

B.S. Johnson, author of "Maters, Taters and Grits"

  

"From one awkward journey to the next, Allison keeps you in suspense as her foot stabs precariously close to her mouth on an all-too-frequent, yet welcoming basis! Funny and relatable - Allison covers it all!"

Edmund McCombs, author of "Stuck at Seven (While Awkwardly Aiming for Ten)"

"Ms. Hawn deftly puts her finger on the ludicrous nature of events and people with a telling eye and a forgiving voice. I rarely laugh out loud when I'm reading a book, but this was a common occurrence as I read about her adventures and the people she encounters. We all have adventures and run across different types of people, but few of us have the ability to translate our experiences into a simply wonderful read! Congratulations on writing a superb book and this is one I enthusiastically place in the five star category. I simply loved it!"

Dianne Harman, author of the Coyote Series

"Un-freaking-believable! How could so many hilarious things happen to one person? Loved every minute of the book!"

Andy Peloquin, author of "In the Days: A Tale of the Forgotten Continent"

September 7th this velociraptor can be yours!  

Don't forget to check out Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads for rad updates!