Tattoos, Charity and... Oh My...

Hello! I hope all your weeks have been more marvelous than the thought of "Whistle While I Work It" performed by pugs dressed as the Avengers.

Can you guess what song may have come on my Pandora playlist while writing this post? (And yes, I did the dance.)

You know what also makes me dance? Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor is almost a month old and so far the reviews have been awesome!

If you haven't snagged a copy don't fret can head on over to Amazon to get one.

So anyone who has met me pretty quickly discovers two things about me:

1. I like supporting various non-profits via volunteer work and fundraising.

2. I have a slight addiction to tattoos (and by "slight" I mean I'm up to ten pieces thus far).

Seriously, if you have tats, look up this group!

 Where these two things intersect is The Modified Dolls.

The Modified Dolls is a international organization of tattooed and modified women out to break down the negative stereotypes around body art by volunteering and supporting charities and our communities.

To that end another Spokane Doll, Melissa, and I hopped in a car and went down to the Tri-Cities for the Three Rivers Tattoo Convention to raise money for the Boys and Girls Club of America.

It was absolutely rad. We met some awesome people, watched some people get some excellent artwork done and raised over $250 for the charity.

Of course, my presence there, as the magnet for all things weird in the universe, meant that we got all the bizarre crazy people too!

There was the guy who wandered up to our booth, stared at us, didn't say a word, then just ambled away. We were graced with his silent creepy presence about six or so times.

This is What Nerds do at Tattoo Conventions

Then there was the girl in the parking lot who asked my caffeine delivering savior, Caleb, and I our opinions of Oregon strip clubs, bars and casinos (keep in mind, the convention was in Washington).

The one who takes the cake, however, I met, well kinda met, out in the parking lot when I stepped outside for a quick breather.

Drunk at 11:00 am on a Sunday, this train wreck on heels staggered up to me, said, "Hi," and koala bear attached herself to me.

There were plenty of people in the parking lot from both my convention and the two others that were going on that day, but no, she decided that I was the best person to latch onto.

I stood there, quasi-stunned, as this woman, definitely half a foot taller than I, let all of her sloshed weight hang on me like the most rum-soaked Christmas ornament ever.

I sighed and started to see if I could talk my way out of this, "Can I get my arm back? No? How about my torso? Can I get that back? No? Okay..."

I slowly began to pry her off of me. I got her legs back on the ground, and was working on getting her arms unwrapped from my body when she suddenly said, "We should go to a strip club!"

It was at this point that her friends found us, one of whom asked, "Hey! Who is your new friend!?"

I glared at him and he said, "Oh..." and coaxed her back to her own conference.

What lessons can we learn from our disorderly friend?

1. There are usually several social steps between, "I've just met you," and, "Hey, let's go to a strip club!" that shouldn't be ignored.

2. It's not the people at the tattoo convention you have to worry about... it's those bankers at the banking convention that should make you concerned.

As always, you can follow my adventures on Facebook, Twitter (@Allison Hawn) and Goodreads!

Oh! One last thing! My brothers, Jonathan and Donovan turned 21 yesterday!!! ...And now I feel old. Happy Birthday you two! Just remember, I knew you when you were younger, I remember what you did and I have proof!

And this is pretty much how I'll always remember you: 

We're Not In Kansas Anymore...

Hello all! I hope you had a more fabulous week than the thought of a Civil War reenactment fought with marshmallow guns!

Well, I had a lovely little adventure this past week (and by "lovely" I mean "bizarre and unbelievable," of course).

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding (Congratulations to Annie and Caleb Reynolds!!!), which was located about two and a half hours away from where I live.

The wedding rehearsal was set for the night before the big day.

"No big deal, I'll just drive over there directly after work and everything will be dandy!"

I lived in that optimistic delusion for approximately forty-five miles of interstate. Suddenly, I was met with a sea of brake lights and I found that the interstate had been transformed into a parking lot.

Now, please keep in mind that I drive a 1993 Dodge Dakota that has working air conditioning approximately half of the time. The odds were not in my favor that day as the summer sun pounded down on our immobile vehicles. My truck became an oven on wheels as I sat, still in my work clothes, in the middle of the slowest seventy mile per hour zone I have ever been in. Legless turtles in molasses could have made it to Prosser, Washington before me.

At one point I turned off my truck's engine, got out and started a conversation with my fellow captives. None of us could figure out what the hold-up could be.

It is construction season in Washington, but usually that only slows things up as opposed to creating a dead stop. One guy postulated that there must have been a multi-car wreck, but no one had seen ambulances going the other way which would have indicated such a catastrophe.

Finally, after over an hour someone up ahead yelled, "I think we have movement!"

Excitedly we all rushed back to our vehicles, started our engines and waited in anticipation. The car ahead of me began to roll forward and I followed, relieved to finally be moving. Then their brake lights flashed on and we were stopped again, a whole foot and a half gained.

We inched onwards like this for nearly an hour. Miles of cars were piled up behind me as we trudged ever onwards towards our seemingly impossible destination.

Finally, after having been thoroughly roasted in my own vehicle, I crested a small hill and saw that I was near the front of the line to escape the mass of trapped cars.

I also saw what had created our two hours of traffic purgatory: A two story house had fallen off of a trailer and had landed smack in the middle of the interstate.

Yep, you read correctly, someone dropped a two-story house and created a several mile long parking lot on a seventy mile per hour stretch of road. As I drove by I half expected to see the Wicked Witch of the East's feet curl up and vanish under the house while the Wicked Witch of the West yelled, "I'll get you my pretty and your little dog Toto too!"

As I inched forward I got the opportunity to watch a tractor pull the second story off of the road.

My two and a half hours road trip turned into a four and a half hour long test of my ability to not scream at slow moving vehicles. When I finally did arrive, well after the rehearsal was completed, and explained my predicament my friend Annie just shook her head and said, "Only you would travel to The Magical Land of Oz and leave to try and make it to a wedding rehearsal."

So what lessons can be learned from my little misadventure?

1. Make sure you properly tie down any and all houses you might want to move. Particularly if you are going to be transporting them on the main artery through a state so that you don't give it a coronary or kill any unsuspecting witches.

2. You can cook an egg on the hood of my truck on a hot day. Granted, I didn't have an egg to test this with, but considering my plastic water bottle melted there, I'm guessing it could effectively fry an egg.

Don't forget to follow all my adventures on Facebook,  Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

Idaho, Answers and News! Oh My!

Good evening ladies, gentlemen and any magically literate insects who might be buzzing about.  I hope everyone is having a marvelous Saturday!

I have been receiving quite a few comments and questions regarding my book, Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus, which is set to be released next month. In fact, I just sent back the final draft of the manuscript with my personal seal of approval today!

First of all, thank you all for your wonderful comments and support, it truly warms my heart more than the thought of kittens in mittens delivering hot chocolate. You are all fabulous!

There have been quite a few questions swirling around the upcoming book, and quite a few of them have had a common theme. So to dispel any confusion and kill about 40 birds with one keyboard, I wish to provide some answers to the most frequently asked questions I have received.

> Will there be a e-book format of the book offered?

Yes. The print version of the book itself is set to be released on May 20, and the e-book version should be available through Amazon.com within the next couple of weeks. It will also be released through Barnes and Noble and Ingram's in the following weeks as well.

> Will it be available for pre-order? 

Sadly no, but the book will be available in less than a month!

> Would you be willing to have book readings or signings with local book clubs or at shops?

Absolutely. If you are interested in me attending your shop, library, book club meeting or other event please do not hesitate to contact me at platypusringmaster@gmail.com. Furthermore, if you would like any other information, please do not hesitate to contact me at that e-mail address or through the comments section of this blog.

When the book is released I will be offering a free discussion guide and fact sheet to any book groups that wish to use my book as well.

> Am I in your book?

Some mysteries are best solved through exploration. You will have to read and find out for yourself. ;)

_________________________________________________________________________________ 

And now for something completely different, a Scotswoman in a Toyota!

This past week I had the pleasure of driving down in my car, Hotpocket the Gutless Wonder, and visiting quite a few lovely people in Southern Idaho. It really was rather splendid catching up with all of you that I had a chance to see!

However, there were several times on my trip that I looked around me, like a deer might look at an oncoming crashing biplane, as I uttered, "Only in Idaho..."

The first time I had this feeling I was driving through one of many itty-bitty, blink and you miss them, would be a perfect setting for a horror film, towns. I was chugging along at the reduced town speed of 25 miles an hour, when I happened to look up and see something that almost made me steer off of the road.

A hawk flew extremely low over my car, obviously struggling, with a rather large barn-cat clutched in its claws. The hawk looked extremely confused and a little scared as it tried to keep control over one very angry kitty who was ferociously clawing its would-be predator. Feathers rained down from on high like strange confetti as I passed underneath them. Welcome to Idaho!

Then there was the fact that I was almost late for an appointment because I got stuck behind not one, not two, but four tractors on an eight-mile stretch of road.

At one juncture, I was visiting some friends, and one of them had just bought a new handgun and was showing off his new (unloaded) purchase. Another one of my friends, who is a woman with a PhD might I add, was holding someone's baby and ended up holding the gun as well.

This woman, who is one of the most intelligent women I know, stood there barefoot, holding a baby on one hip and a gun in her other hand as she said, "Yeah, the weight on this one isn't terrible, the sights seem a bit off, though."

I also pulled up beside a woman in my car, who appeared to be eating a potato like a candy bar. Now if that's not stereotypical Idaho, I don't know what is.

In any case, it was marvelous getting to sojourn that direction, and thank you all for your wonderful hospitality! I wish you all a more fantastic week than the thought of a thousand German Shepherd puppies running in formation to the tune of Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water!"