Challenge Accepted!!!

Hello ladies, gentlemen and anyone from beyond the veil who has decided to drop in. I hope you are all having a splendiferous Monday (which I realize is an oxymoron, but come on people, let's not all be Garfields here).

I was asked a very interesting question this week about "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" that I felt I just had to answer. The question was, "Aside from being something to read, what other uses could your book serve?"

Immediately I ran to my secret laboratory (a.k.a. my living room) and began testing the book's usefulness in various aspects of daily life.

There were quite a few failures.

For instance, the book does not taste good and has very few nutritive properties.

Even with the addition of blackberry jam, which I adore, it was still practically flavorless, and I couldn't saute it in oil, because it kept bursting into flames.

It also fails to make a smashing hat for a cat (see Santeria the Destroyer modeling below).

Several Band-Aids later, and appointments made for both of us to see therapists, Santeria and I agreed that that was a poorly thought through venture.

Apparently, it doesn't make appropriate work attire either.

Prudes.

However, not all of my experiments were failures. For example, there are a few blank spots, like on the title page and publication page, in which one can draw Godzilla attacking a random city.

I know, my artistic abilities astound even myself some days (there's a reason I write instead of illustrate). 

You can also use it as your own private desk fort, from which you can glare at passersby that you don't wish to chat with.

I dare anyone to attack my personal fort with anything less than a catapult built from a spoon loaded with spit wads!

Then of course there is its ability to repel evil in all its forms. Sadly, I could not find any evil in my apartment that I could dramatically battle in front of the camera using my book (I didn't have any goblins, clowns or Justin Bieber fans handy). So, instead I give you this picture of She-Ra, and give you permission to use your imagination to make my dramatic point.

There, question answered! 

In other news "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" is getting some awesome reviews from readers (and I didn't even have to threaten them with large sticks to get them).  

One Amazon reader wrote: 

"I love the light hearted humor in this book. I picked it up to read a couple lines and couldnt put it down. The author has a witty and quirky way of writing that is refreshing and very creative. I am very glad I ordered this book!"

Edmund C. McCombs (Author of "Stuck at Seven (While Awkwardly Aiming for Ten)" (which is an awesome book in its own right, follow the link if you need extra material to add to your reading stack) wrote:

"This book is a whimsical riot. Allison tours you through some of her life's more interesting and exciting moments by revealing the inappropriateness that walks in and out of her life on, what appears to be, an all-too-often basis. Her writing style is engaging and she uses very descriptive and well thought out phrases. I recommend it to anyone looking for a laugh as you walk hand-in-hand with Allison through the awkward fields of her life. Well done!"

Aww shucks! *Looks down, blushes, kicks dirt with toe.* Thanks guys!

Well that's all I have for now. As always feel free to follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest! Have a lovely evening everyone!

Sneak Peek (And You Don't Even Need Binoculars)

Why hello ladies and gentlemen and any random hallucinations that might be accompanying you today! I hope everyone has had an absolutely smashing Wednesday (as opposed to one that makes you want to smash things)!

All of you have been so lovely providing me with comments of support and interest in "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus," so my publisher and I agreed that we should indulge anyone who might be curious about its content.

What follows is a chapter plucked from the book itself, like the frosting flower on a child's birthday cake (though with less confectionery gore). 

As always, please let me know what you think and feel free to follow my exploits on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/platypusringmaster) and Twitter (https://twitter.com/AllisonHawn).

34. DANCE LIKE EVERYONE IS WATCHING

Uma Thurman has been credited with saying, “Boredom is the mother of invention.” 

We should not only listen to her because she is an incredible actress and can pull off a white, stretchy, dress phenomenally, but because she is right. However, I would like to add that not only
does boredom breed innovation, it can also be the harbinger of disaster.

I don’t sit still well. I’m kind of a ball of muscle bound energy, and even as I type this I am using my foot to tease a kitten. So putting me in one spot for long periods of time works about as
well as trying to contain a wolverine on Red Bull inside a cardboard box.

At one time, a job I had involved traveling around and giving short presentations on a service the group I worked for had to offer. These were presentations aimed at local businesses in the
hopes of getting them to jump on the bandwagon and support the community initiative my employers were putting forth.

This meant I got dressed up in a suit, did my little Vanna White shtick and then high-tailed it to the next place all the while praying that everyone was running on time.

The day in question had been a long day. I had given 6 or 7 of these presentations, and the last group I was supposed to speak to was a counseling firm with a staff of more than 30 people. The
head counselor there had requested I come in and speak during their staff meeting so that everyone could be present.

I showed up at my allotted time, and was told by the receptionist that things were running a little behind and that if I wanted to sit in the room right outside the conference room,
they’d call me in in a few minutes. I stood in the lobby, staring into nothing, because that was what this room was: A white little box of nothing.

An overhead speaker blared out some salsa music, and I started to tap my foot to the beat. The room literally had no decorations and one, very uncomfortable looking, chair. The minutes dragged by.

After 5 minutes, my foot tap turned into a hip wiggle.

After 10 minutes, the hip wiggle turned into some small dance steps.

After 20 minutes, I had given up at containing myself and was full-blown dancing in this tiny waiting area.

Now, I must explain, I don’t dance. I have a tendency to waltz like one of my legs is shorter than the other, turn a tango into a new sport that involves tackling and somehow make hip-hop look
like a full body dry heave.

I have had one salsa dancing lesson in which the instructor suggested, “I spend my time doing other things.” So, whatever I was doing in the waiting area, was probably not something graceful, rhythmic or even remotely artistic.

The door finally opened, and I immediately stopped, straightened my suit jacket and put on an air of sophistication and poise. I then stared confusedly at the man, who was red-faced with tears streaming down his cheeks as he half-said half-choked out, “We’re ready for you now.”

I entered the room to find the entire staff assembled, all looking quite a bit like the man who had come to retrieve me. The room had two TV’s mounted to the walls, and the content of the
screen looked very familiar.

Then it hit me, the tiny little waiting area had a security camera, and I had just done a one-man show for over 10 minutes set to crappy elevator salsa music. I looked at the screens for a beat, then looked back to the room full of strangers who had just gotten their own personal show, and bowed. The room erupted into applause.

So what slivers of knowledge can be tweezed from the finger of stupidity?

1. Never assume you’re alone. This may sound paranoid, but if paranoia saves you from utter embarrassment, then be as paranoid as you like. Wear a tin-foil hat if it helps.

2. If you’re going to fail, at least do so in a way that makes 30 other peoples’ meeting that much more entertaining.

Look! Something Shiny!

Good morning friends, readers and anyone else who happens upon this page while attempting to find pictures of adorable cats!

I received this yesterday and was just so darn-tootin' excited that I had to show you all!

Look my, up until now, naked book has a cover!

Thanks to the marvelous design by Paul Brand and the talented artistry of Anthony Carpenter, no one has to simply look at a boring white title page when my book is released on May 20! Instead they can feast their eyes upon this eclectic work of art that is sure to simultaneously delight and bewilder the masses at large!

Thank you both for your hard work and willingness to join me in the land of the weird!

Idaho, Answers and News! Oh My!

Good evening ladies, gentlemen and any magically literate insects who might be buzzing about.  I hope everyone is having a marvelous Saturday!

I have been receiving quite a few comments and questions regarding my book, Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus, which is set to be released next month. In fact, I just sent back the final draft of the manuscript with my personal seal of approval today!

First of all, thank you all for your wonderful comments and support, it truly warms my heart more than the thought of kittens in mittens delivering hot chocolate. You are all fabulous!

There have been quite a few questions swirling around the upcoming book, and quite a few of them have had a common theme. So to dispel any confusion and kill about 40 birds with one keyboard, I wish to provide some answers to the most frequently asked questions I have received.

> Will there be a e-book format of the book offered?

Yes. The print version of the book itself is set to be released on May 20, and the e-book version should be available through Amazon.com within the next couple of weeks. It will also be released through Barnes and Noble and Ingram's in the following weeks as well.

> Will it be available for pre-order? 

Sadly no, but the book will be available in less than a month!

> Would you be willing to have book readings or signings with local book clubs or at shops?

Absolutely. If you are interested in me attending your shop, library, book club meeting or other event please do not hesitate to contact me at platypusringmaster@gmail.com. Furthermore, if you would like any other information, please do not hesitate to contact me at that e-mail address or through the comments section of this blog.

When the book is released I will be offering a free discussion guide and fact sheet to any book groups that wish to use my book as well.

> Am I in your book?

Some mysteries are best solved through exploration. You will have to read and find out for yourself. ;)

_________________________________________________________________________________ 

And now for something completely different, a Scotswoman in a Toyota!

This past week I had the pleasure of driving down in my car, Hotpocket the Gutless Wonder, and visiting quite a few lovely people in Southern Idaho. It really was rather splendid catching up with all of you that I had a chance to see!

However, there were several times on my trip that I looked around me, like a deer might look at an oncoming crashing biplane, as I uttered, "Only in Idaho..."

The first time I had this feeling I was driving through one of many itty-bitty, blink and you miss them, would be a perfect setting for a horror film, towns. I was chugging along at the reduced town speed of 25 miles an hour, when I happened to look up and see something that almost made me steer off of the road.

A hawk flew extremely low over my car, obviously struggling, with a rather large barn-cat clutched in its claws. The hawk looked extremely confused and a little scared as it tried to keep control over one very angry kitty who was ferociously clawing its would-be predator. Feathers rained down from on high like strange confetti as I passed underneath them. Welcome to Idaho!

Then there was the fact that I was almost late for an appointment because I got stuck behind not one, not two, but four tractors on an eight-mile stretch of road.

At one juncture, I was visiting some friends, and one of them had just bought a new handgun and was showing off his new (unloaded) purchase. Another one of my friends, who is a woman with a PhD might I add, was holding someone's baby and ended up holding the gun as well.

This woman, who is one of the most intelligent women I know, stood there barefoot, holding a baby on one hip and a gun in her other hand as she said, "Yeah, the weight on this one isn't terrible, the sights seem a bit off, though."

I also pulled up beside a woman in my car, who appeared to be eating a potato like a candy bar. Now if that's not stereotypical Idaho, I don't know what is.

In any case, it was marvelous getting to sojourn that direction, and thank you all for your wonderful hospitality! I wish you all a more fantastic week than the thought of a thousand German Shepherd puppies running in formation to the tune of Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water!"

Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus

I have a book coming out! Yes, you read correctly, an actual page-and-binding construct that will be big enough to help you fend off a rabid squirrel if you should happen to meet one! 

My book, Life is a Circus Run By a Platypus, has been selected for publication by Sweatshoppe Publications!!! 

Here are the answers to the questions you might (or might not, this is a bit of a Schrodinger moment) be asking: 

> What is this book about? 

Well, here is the blurb from the back of the book: 

Has being late to work due to dancing clowns ever been a problem for you? Have you ever had to defend yourself against a giant iguana? Does the overture to “The Music Man” make you violently twitch? 

In Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus readers are immersed into what it would be like to live every day as if a herd of ballerinas were chasing you, without the inconvenience of actually having to run. This collection of truly bizarre short stories taken from the author, Allison Hawn’s, life takes one across the world and into the strangest crevices of civilization. The lessons learned through her adventures might very well save the reader if they too ever have to face birthing a cow, calming distraught technical support or death by furniture. 

> Well that sounds swell, when and where will the book be released? 

It will be available May 20th on Amazon.com and through the Sweatshoppe Publications website (http://sweatshoppepublications.com/). In the following week it will also be available through Barnes and Noble, Ingram and various other bookstores. A full list will be provided closer to the actual release date.

  > If there were a war between bears and unicorns, who would win? 

Unicorns, undoubtedly. 

> If I have questions about the book, media kits, or am having a minor existential crisis, how do I contact you?
  
The best way currently contact me is through commenting on this webpage or through my e-mail at platypusringmaster@gmail.com, I welcome any and all questions (but cannot guarantee a satisfactory answer to all your existential conundrums). Also feel free to follow me on Facebook and Twitter!

Stay tuned, same Bat-time same Bat-channel, as this is my official website, for more details. I will be running contests, providing you with sneak previews and have extra book related content here in the near future. Thank you all!