Friday, December 26, 2014

Back Off Elf!

Hello all! I hope you all had Merrier Christmases than the thought of Santa and his elves doing a conga line to "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen!"

Just a quick reminder, half of my profits from copies sold of Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus and Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor this month will go to benefit the efforts of SpokAnimal!

So snag a book and help out animals like BoBo here stay safe and warm! Also, if you're looking for a friendly fuzzy to add to your home, BoBo is available for adoption!

And now on to our regularly scheduled broadcast.

I enjoy holiday festivities as much as the next Christmas cookie and wassail consuming person. However, this week, as I was inundated with countless Christmas tunes, I suddenly began to realize just how creepy some of these songs actually are.

The more I listened to the lyrics, the more weirded out I got. Here are just a few of my festive findings:

Santa Baby

To start off, this song is basically a woman attempting to seduce Santa into giving her a car, a diamond ring, a platinum mine... basically she's the biggest coal-digger ever.

Then there's the fact that this song was originally sung by Eartha Kitt. Now, for those of you who don't know Eartha Kitt, she was one of the original actresses that played Catwoman in the Adam West Batman series. She also played the voice of the villain Yzma in The Emperor's New Groove.

This means that Santa is basically either being seduced by Catwoman:

Or Yzma:

I'm honestly not sure which one is a creepier prospect. I'll let you decide.

Baby It's Cold Outside

This song has more rapey innuendo in it than a Robin Thicke music video!

Originally sung by, what sounds like an incredibly sloshed, Dean Martin, the little ditty comes complete with lines like, "Beautiful, what's your hurry?" and, "Baby don't hold out."

The woman's responds with things like, "The answer is no," and, "Say, what's in this drink," which really take away any possibility that this girl isn't being seriously creeped on.

If the conversation that takes place in this song happened in a bar or restaurant, I hope nearby patrons would be looking this guy up on their phones to see if he is a registered sex offender and trying to get the girl a police escort home.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

"He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake."

Was I the only one who read Orwell's 1984?

Also, "You better not pout, you'd better not cry..."

Just repress your feelings children, bottle them up inside until you explode!

Frosty the Snowman

"Frosty the snowman knew the sun was hot that day, so he said, 'Let's run and we'll have some fun now before I melt away!"

Yay kids! Your magical anthropomorphic snowman just died!

At least in Frozen they figured out  a way to not kill Olaf.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland 

Aside from the creepy snowman propositioning that occurs mid-song ("He'll say 'Are you married' we'll say 'No man, but you can do the job while you're in town..."), the real creep factor in this song is word choice.

"Later on, we'll conspire, as we dream by the fire."

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary the definition of the word "conspire" is either, "To secretly plan with someone to do something that is harmful or illegal," or, "To happen in a way that produces bad or unpleasant results."

Apparently the people in this song have much more nefarious post winter exploration plans than I ever did. It seems they got away with whatever they were planning, though, as there was no sequel song title, "Walking Into Cell Block Six."

So what Christmas songs do you find weird or disturbing?

As always, feel free to come find me (in the non-creepiest way possible) on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

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