Friday, November 28, 2014

Literary Dialogue

Terrier (Unknown Type, Small) Mix Dog for adption in Spokane, Washington - Doots
You Know You Want To Cuddle Him

Hello all! I hope everyone had a more fantastic Thanksgiving than the thought of bunnies playing Monopoly!
Happy Turkey Apocalypse!

Just a quick reminder: If you love small fuzzy, not as tasty, animals, remember that fifty-percent of my profits for November and December from Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor and Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus will be going to support the efforts of SpokAnimal!

So snag a gift for a loved one and also help out adorable fuzzies like Doots here. By the way Doots is also available for adoption, so if you'd like a little bundle of cute, go snag this little guy.

Well, this past week I had a wonderfully unique experience.

I was invited to a little soiree at Monkeyboy Books to hold a signing and book reading!

It was an absolute blast!

As always, it is great to meet new people and be provided with a chance to make people laugh with my own special brand of misfortune and surreal experiences!

One such new person was Spokane poet, Mark Strutton. With hair that came down to his waist, kept under control underneath a sun-faded fedora, Strutton filled the evening with wonderful poems that spoke of the ills of the modern age, memories from years past and philosophical questions.

We took turns reading, though, as a comedy writer, I feel a bit like I was a clown delivering a eulogy to Mark's wonderfully deep poems.

It was an excellent literary dialogue though, he would read a couple of poems, then I would chime in with a story, and back and forth we went. It was a fantastic experience.

Thank you to all who came and said hello, and a special thank you to Monkeyboy Books owner Marina for hosting such a rad event!

As always, come find me on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

Friday, November 21, 2014

Keep it Classy

Australian Shepherd Mix Dog for adption in Spokane, Washington - Jagger
Hello all, I hope everyone is doing more splendidly than a rehash of Judy Garland's performance of 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' performed by drunk squirrels.

Don't forget to order your signed copies of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" by December 1st so that they can reach you and your loved ones by Christmas! Want to find out more? Click Here!

Also, half of my proceeds from either of my books sold during the month of November and December will go to help the efforts of SpokAnimal!

So buy a book and know that you're helping adorable animals like Jagger here get second leash on life (pun so very much intended). Oh, and by the way Jagger is up for adoption. So someone should go grab up this sweetheart before I have a weak moment and kidnap him myself.

One other very quick, and completely last-minute, announcement. I will be doing a book signing and reading at Monkeyboy Books this Saturday (November 22) at 5:30 pm! So if you're in the area come say hello!
Warning: Might Eat Your Soul
In other news, Spokane has officially solidified itself as the 'classiest' city in Washington.

How did we win such a prestigious, champagne soaked, title?

Well, not to brag, but we have not one tattoo and tanning salon business combo, but we have three. That's right, who in this day and age has time to wait for their tattoo to fully heal before they fake-tan themselves into oompa-loompa oblivion?

We also sport the only garbage eating goat statue, which resides directly in the center of one of our most scenic parks. The goat, designed to suck up your garbage when you feed detritus to it, also has the magical ability to sound like Satan may be opening a portal to Hell right there at your fingertips.

Still not enough proof of Spokane's classiness for you?
Police say murder suspect Brandon Mellon accidentally shot himself.
Credit: Huffington Post

Well how about our most recent appearance in the Huffington Post.

That's right, little old Spokane made it into Huff-Po... by being the town with the suspected murderer who managed to shoot himself in the leg trying to attack a police car that had just pulled up behind him.

And yes, that's a tattoo that reads, "Spokane" across his forehead.

See, Spokane even has self-arresting criminals, who are also proud of their hometown!

But truly, the biggest sign of our unflappable sense of 'fancy' comes from the conversations you can hear on the street.

Just the other day I was wandering down the street, in my high heels, full evening gown and mink stole (don't laugh too hard at that mental image, you might hurt yourself), and happened to hear this tid-bit of conversation:

"My mom and I just got in a fist fight at the Safeway... Why!? She took my Gatorade! She knows you don't mess with another person's Gatorade!"

That's right folks, classy people have their priorities straight: Blood may be thicker than water, but blood doesn't taste nearly as good as Gatorade.

Well, at least I can say I live in a town that provides me with plenty of writing material?

Do you think your town rivals Spokane in its 'fancy-ness?" Bring it, I will take you down like you just stole my Gatorade!

As always, have a fabulous week. If you need to find me check out my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and visit me on Goodreads!

Friday, November 14, 2014

Caustic Comments

Hello! I hope everyone has had an absolutely splendidly fantastic week, tantamount only to the thought of "Hunger Games: The Musical."

Just a couple of quick reminders: Part of the proceeds from all copies of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" will go to benefit the efforts of SpokAnimal!

So if you want to feel good about a book purchase, know that you're helping feed puppies and kittens, and providing spay and neuter services for the pets of low-income families.

Also, if you are wanting signed copies of either book, for yourself or a friend, you can find out how here.

All right, onwards!

I am a bit of a gym-rat. I am there almost every single day. I own more pairs of workout pants and shorts than I do normal pants and shorts. I can tell you what my top kettlebell swing weight is (Russian or American, kilograms and pounds).

What constantly shocks me is the comments that I get from guys, as a female, while working out seem only to get more stupid by the week.

I feel like a lot of the comments that I, and other gym going girls, get, are things that seem like they should obviously not be said. However, since I have gotten all of these at one point or another (most of them even this week), apparently they need to be said yet again.

So guys listen up, because these are the things guys (and really anyone) need to stop saying to girls at the gym:

1. "How much weight have you lost? Because you look better now."

It doesn't matter if she's lost two pounds or two hundred pounds, this is not a comment a girl wants to hear. 

Okay, I'm going to play Devil's Advocate and assume you meant that as a compliment. However, what you basically said is, "You weren't attractive before when you had a little extra weight on you, but now that you're thinner..."

Believe it or not, most women don't go to the gym so random guys can track their weight loss or fitness levels. I know this is a novel concept, some of us do it so we can become healthier for ourselves. 

And yes, we will tell you where you can go and what stationary bike you can ride on to get there.

2. "Are you sure you want to lift that much? You might get bulky..."

*Points to the point made above.*

I hate to break it to you, but women are not working out at the gym to fit into some random guy's fantasy of what a fit woman should look like. We're doing it so we can be healthy.

Also, some of us just don't have enough craps to give about possibly being "bulky."

3. "You're not doing that right, let me help you..."

 Why thank you kind professional personal trainer taking time out of your busy day to... Wait, you're not a professional personal trainer?

Oh, and you actually have no idea that due to my being female I have to modify certain lifts because they don't make certain weight equipment conducive to a female figure?

You think my grip on the 45 lbs dumbbell is odd for a bicep curl? How about the fact that if I hold it at the normal angle I will end up with giant bruises on my boobs thanks to the giant plates the manufacturers unnecessarily put on them?

You think my feet are at the wrong angle for a squat? Well after blowing out my knee a few years ago I was instructed by doctors to use a modified stance so I wouldn't re-injure it.

So, in the ten seconds you've seen me lift you just assumed everything I was doing was wrong, instead of assuming I perhaps understand my own body better than you might? 

Did we, as women, ask for your unsolicited advice? No? Then don't give it, and stop touching us!

4. "You know this is the free weight area, right? The weight machines are over there..."

Really!? Wow, that's what all those big lumps of metal and moving parts are!? Heck, I just wandered over here on accident while looking for a giant pink yoga ball to sit and bounce on.

Seriously, guys, women lift. Some of us lift more than you. Get over yourselves.

5. "You shouldn't do <Insert Name of Lift>, it's not good for your lady parts."

Yes, I have had this said about multiple types of lifts, and by multiple males.

I was unaware that random guys at the gym had any reason to be concerned about my reproductive organs. If only they cared this much when we need help paying for birth control.

Also, side note: Lifting does not hurt our 'lady parts,' that's like saying that doing cardio is going to hurt a guy's sperm count.

6. "You lift a lot for a girl."

Nope! That sentence was three words too long.

I don't "lift a lot for a girl." I just "lift a lot." Period.

7. "You come here often?" (Or really any pick-up line)

I'm lifting heavy things, sweat is pouring down my face like Niagra Falls and I have headphones in.

What part of this visual screams, "Hit on me!?" because really all it makes us want to do is hit on you... with a barbell. 

So what can you say to women at the gym? Okay, picture what you would say to your friend who is a guy at the gym. Now, weed out all the comments about hot girls, and try those. In other words, treat us like people instead of your new gym goal.

I would love to hear any other fun comments people get at the gym! 

As always I can be found on Facebook, Twitter (@Allison Hawn) and Goodreads!

Friday, November 7, 2014

Books for Pets

Hello everyone! I hope everyone's weeks were as fantastic as the thought of a million kittens mewing to Cake's "Short Skirt, Long Jacket."

Speaking of kittens, every year during November and December I like to choose a charity that will receive half of my proceeds from my books sold during those months. This year, that charity is SpokAnimal.

SpokAnimal is more than just an animal shelter. Their focus is not only on rescuing animals, but on providing low-cost spay and neuter services to help prevent overpopulation. Furthermore, they host veterinary clinics for low-income families and for the pets and service animals of the homeless.

Every copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" sold (e-book or tree-book) will help SpokAnimal keep up their excellent work both finding homes for cats and dogs and providing services that keep pets healthy!

On another quick note: I have received quite a few questions about how someone might obtain signed and dedicated copies of my books.

If you are wanting to pick up a signed copy of either of my books for yourself or as a gift for someone else please send me a private message on my Facebook author page. Let me know how many books you would like, which titles you would like and who you would like them dedicated to (make sure you spell their name correctly as I will be spelling their names exactly as you tell me). I will respond with where a check can be sent, and will ship the books out as soon as I can after I receive the check.

Books are $13.00 apiece, unless you want to order both "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" then it will be $22.00 for the two together. Shipping and handling is $2.50 for the first book, and $1.00 for each additional book (I can only ship in the U.S. at the moment).

If you are wanting books for Christmas gifts, please make sure you place your order and send payment before December 1 as that is when I will be sending out the Christmas shipment to make sure it reaches everyone on time! If you have any questions please either post them in the comments below or on my Facebook author page.

Of course, half of my proceeds from any signed copies sold during November and December will also help raise money for SpokAnimal!

Well, that's all for this week! Don't forget to look me up on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!