How to do Good, but Better

Hello all! I hope everyone is having a fantastic summer thus far! I know, I know, I haven't posted much lately. I blame a beast of a move, pure post-graduation from grad school exhaustion and prolonged illness.

What has brought me back to writing here today is a topic that is more personal to me than your parents showing your significant other that embarrassing picture of you as a kid wearing your underwear as a hat. Not that I have any pictures like that (she says not making eye contact).

But first, I should probably provide a little background. I have been in social work for the better part of a decade, working mostly with homeless populations and those in homeless shelters in particular. Shelters are funded partially by things like grants and endowments, but we also depend heavily on the community for support and donations to help meet the tremendous needs our populations face.

For the most part, the community support the shelters I have worked for have received is incredible. People donating time, money, and much needed supplies saves lives and helps countless individuals get off the streets and into a better place.

There is a darker side to that community dependence, however. This is that darker side:

That veritable wall of boxes is what I walked in to work this week to see: Over 300 lbs of juice... that had expired in 2014. Not only was the juice expired, but it had been left out in the Arizona sun so long that some of the bottles had melted and fused together.

Someone had dropped off a wall of, essentially, toxic waste to a shelter that serves medically fragile homeless people. Not only is that callous, but it is dangerous! I'm grateful I had a chance to check out this anonymous donation before anyone drank any!

This is a problem that a lot of people in non-profits don't want to talk about, because we truly do need donations to survive and we don't want to discourage anyone who wants to help. However, there are times when the donations that we receive, like the wall of contaminants pictured above, goes beyond being unhelpful, they become a burden on the agencies. Not only was the juice dangerous to the health of my clients, but it meant that I then had to figure out a way to dispose of it all. Essentially, I spent most of my morning, time where I could be looking for housing opportunities for my clients, hauling boxes across a massive parking lot in 111 degree heat to a dumpster.

Sadly, this isn't a one-time thing. A month ago I received a donation of 800 pounds of rice and dried beans that had expired some 13 years ago. You read that right, 13 years! Destiny's Child was still together when that food expired.

I once worked at a shelter where a box truck drove up and dropped off 16 pallets of yogurt that had gone bad to the point where it had liquefied. I can't even count the number of times someone has dropped in with a take-out box they had dug out of their fridge after a few days and decided that they didn't want it, mold included.

Homeless shelters need more support now more than ever. Funding for necessary programs has dwindled significantly in the last 5 years, and current trends are indicating that what little funding is left will be facing challenges and cuts soon. Please, we need your generosity. No, let me rephrase that, we need your mindful generosity.

Donate to non-profits, but before you drop off that thing you don't need anymore, here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Is this appropriate for the population it is going to?

I work in a men's shelter. You would be amazed at how many bras, tampons and sanitary napkins we get donated (I also get women's thongs on a regular basis, and nothing will break your sanity faster than having to confiscate one from a client who is using it as a slingshot to shoot other clients with wads of paper). These items would be much better used at a drop-in center that serves women or a domestic violence shelter.

2. Would I eat this? Would I feed this to a loved one? Is this something that someone could conceivably wear without it falling apart?

If the answer is "no," then don't donate it. I know it is hard to believe, but homeless people are still, in fact, people. If it would give you food poisoning, then it will give them food poisoning too, and believe me, their lives are hard enough already.

 
The same things goes for clothes. I once opened a donated trash bag full of clothes to find that not only they were moldy, but a family of mice had moved in. The bag was inside the shelter when I opened it, so we then got to pay for exterminators to come take care of our donated mice problem.

3. Am I just making something I don't want to deal with someone else's problem?

At one homeless shelter I worked at, I once took a donation of six used hamster cages. The person who dropped it off said, "I just didn't want to be bothered with them anymore and I couldn't figure out what I should do with them. So... Here you go."

This may come as a shock, but as I am a social worker, and not the owner of a hamster circus, I didn't know what to do with the cages either. What I did do with them was spent over an hour on the phone trying to find a thrift store that could sell them, drove all the way across town that day and dropped them off, before Febreezing the interior of my car to get rid of the "essence of hamster" scent.

Again, I don't want to discourage anyone from donating to good causes. However, just donating any old thing and patting yourself on the back can not only be unhelpful and counterproductive, it can be downright dangerous. If you don't know what you can do to help, ask someone who works for the agency. Every non-profit has a "needs and wants" list they will happily provide you with. Shelters are always in need of things like clean socks, toiletries and donations of edible food. What we don't need is to be designated as your alternative to paying to drop your stuff off at the landfill. Please, don't just do good things for your non-profits, do better things.

As always feel free to follow my adventures on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Instagram (@AtillatheHawn) and my books can be found for your reading enjoyment here!

Seeing Red

Hello everyone! I hope your weeks have been more fantastic than the thought of a Kiss cover band comprised of corgis!

Speaking of corgis, just a quick reminder, 50% of the profits from any of my books sold in November or December will be going to help the efforts of the Sun Valley Animal Shelter. This is a no-kill shelter in the Phoenix area that connects animals with their forever homes.

So buy a book and help Mumford here find a good home (he is also up for adoption if anyone is interested)!

In other news the holidays have descended upon us, rather like a beluga whale dropped from a bomber airplane. Halloween day, I happened to go to the store and found myself in a veritable winter wonderland of Christmas decorations and festoonery. Again, let me repeat that, on Halloween.

I let out a sad sigh over the Christmas invasion of my favorite holiday and went on my way, vowing to basically ignore it, as I do every year, until the day after Thanksgiving.

Then the first "War on Christmas" posts started. You know what I mean, the fear-mongering, imaginary persecution of those who like to celebrate Christmas. First, let me say this, if you think that there is an actual "War on Christmas" please, as a Christian myself, let me remind you of a few things:

1. No one in this country will tell you that you can't celebrate Christmas in your own way. If you want to honor Jesus, that is your right. If you want to spend all day Christmas wearing underwear on your head and yelling, "I'm a blueberry muffin!" that is also your right. No one is telling you you can't celebrate Christmas. Someone else celebrating Christmas in their own way is not an immediate attack on your rights.

2. Every school/work/organizational break is still centered around the Christmas holiday. No other religious holiday gets this kind of special treatment (unless they happen to fall sometime near Christmas), so if we're in a "war" it appears we still have the high ground.

3. Having a Menorah next to the Christmas tree at the mall really is not something to get upset about. Remember, we stole the traditional Christmas tree from pagans, whereas the Menorah was something the Jewish people came up with on their own thousands of years ago. Respecting others' religions does not constitute an attack on your own.

4. Someone saying "Happy Holidays" to you is not a challenge to a fight. I say Happy Holidays. I say Merry Christmas. When appropriate I say Happy Hanukkah as well! If someone says Happy Holidays, the correct response is, "Thank you! You too!" Everyone just calm down!

5. The fact that you can't go a single place, starting October 31st now, without running into a million and one Christmas trees, ornaments and little nativity sets, would imply that Christmas seems to be doing just fine.

I bring all of this up because the first "Christmas Scandal" splashed in my news feed on Facebook this week, causing an intense urge to attempt to stick my head in the microwave.

Apparently, Starbucks has managed to do something more offensive than misspell even the most simple of names. Apparently this year their holiday themed cups are... red!!! Yup, you read correctly, instead of opting for an entire nativity scene (which, I might add has NEVER been a part of their cups), they went for a solid red cup with their typical green and white logo for accent.

This has sparked absolute outrage, particularly from one individual who posted an entire Youtube video and Twitter rant (which I refuse to link here because he doesn't need any more attention).

Apparently by removing the snowflakes from their cups that they had last year, which I was unaware was a part of the Christmas cannon to begin with, Starbucks somehow managed to remove all of the Christmas-ness from their cups!

At first I thought it was a massive joke, but then I started seeing calls to boycott Starbucks. I'm sorry, if you're going to boycott Starbucks it should be because it doesn't matter which one you go to, they over-roast their coffee, not because they made a simple design change to a coffee cup.

And Christians, come on! We are better than this! This is petty at its best, and completely alienating at its worst! It's really hard to convince people that I have logical reasons for believing in my faith when I have people running around screaming that Starbucks is waging a War on Christmas because of a minimalist cup design!

Might I also point out that Starbucks, despite their obvious love for Satan with their all-red cup, still sells advent calendars, CD's with songs about Jesus' birth (although, does anyone still buy CD's?) and several Christmas Ornaments that... now be prepared to be shocked, say, "Merry Christmas" on them.

So before we blow up over perceived slights, can we as a community of Christians do something Christ-like and maybe not freak out over nothing? Can we stop painting ourselves as intolerant, insecure people who will overreact to any perceived slight?

We have two months left of this holiday spirit to go people, we can do it! Well, at least, I hope we can do it.

For those of you not putting me on your "naughty" list, you can always find me on Facebook and Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and you can find my books here.

Also this:

 I have imbibed in the red-cup devil's brew. Guess I need to go change my major now to Christmas Grinchery with a minor in Satanism.

Getting in the Spirit!

Hello everyone, I hope your weeks have been more fantastic than the thought of a million skeletons tangoing to The Monster Mash.

Tomorrow is the best holiday of them all, Halloween!!!

In honor of this holiday here are some of the best books to read for Halloween!

Elizabeth Gaskell's Gothic Tales

If you want some classically creepy stories, then the Victorian horrors written by Gaskell are an excellent choice. The stories are haunting and memorable and just terrifying enough to leave you with some chills.

Stephen King's The Cell


A haunting tale and modern metaphor for what technology is doing to us, this lesser read book of Stephen King's prolific career will not only scare the living daylights out of you, but it will make you think.

Bram Stoker's Dracula

It's a classic, but if you haven't read it yet, it needs to be added to your reading list stat! You will sleep with the lights on for a while.

Alan Moore's The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

If you saw the awful movie, then erase it from your mind with the original book. One of Alan Moore's less celebrated graphic novels, this Steampunk and sci-fi influenced book is a fabulous adventure. Fair warning: It may be a comic book, but it is definitely not for children.

Charissa Dufour's Sucked In

If you're looking for something a little more on the humor side and a less on the terrifying side, Charissa Dufour's Sucked In is for you. The first book of three in the series follows vampire author Ashley Hawn as she goes from writing about vampires to being one. It's a fun read perfect for this time of year.  

As the nights get chillier, grab a book, put your feet up and enjoy the goosebumps from both the cold and some creepy stories!

In other news, every year during the months of November and December, I choose a non-profit to donate half of my book proceeds to. This year, that non-profit is the Sun Valley Animal Shelter.

The Sun Valley Animal Shelter is a no-kill shelter located in the Phoenix area and they treat their animals the best I have ever seen a shelter treat animals. I am happy to help them and their cause as they find animals their forever homes. So grab a book and help an animal!

As always, you can follow my adventures on Facebook and Twitter (@AllisonHawn).

What Lee Left Us

Hello all. I hope everyone has had at least marginally successful weeks (or at least been able to give failure a couple slaps in the face).

Well, in a break from my normal more jovial posts, this week I wish to honor a life lived truly in the service of others. Spokane, and the world at large, lost a man this past week who was dedicated to social justice, an ardent advocate for homeless rights and a truly wonderful soul: Lee Nelson.

Lee worked for many years as a homeless outreach worker, traveling under bridges, in train yards, through make-shift tent cities and wherever the homeless could be found to help connect them to vital supplies and services. I got the opportunity to work with him during my time as a homeless and at-risk youth outreach worker and then in the following years on various homeless advocacy projects.

Whether his name goes down in the history books or not is irrelevant, because he touched the lives of so many. Even the meanest, most hardened, train-hopping homeless man had respect and words of kindness for Lee.

This past week we had the Homeless Connect event here in Spokane (the pictures included in this post are from the event). In one day over 40 service providers came together for a one-stop-shop for homeless services, greatly diminishing one of the major barriers to receiving help: distance. This year the event, which helped 250 to 300 homeless in five hours time, was held in honor of Lee.

Lee saw my strange career from the beginning, he met me one month after I had graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in my hot little hands. So in honor of a man that I looked up to as a mentor and someone I saw as a friend, I want to impart some of the wisdom to you all that he imparted to me.

1. Treat everyone as fairly as you can.

Lee didn't care what your skin color was, what your sexual orientation was, how long your rap sheet took to print out, when you last shot up or what gang tattoo was on the back of your hand. He was going to treat you with the same amount of respect as the person sitting on the bench next to you. This meant that if he offered socks to one person, then even if the person sitting next to that person was a loud-mouthed jerk, he would offer them socks too.

Food Bank at the Spokane Homeless Connect

2. Call people out on their bullshit, but don't ever make them feel like bullshit.

I cannot count the number of times when I would be at the same homeless meal site when Lee was there and would watch as someone would be coming down from meth, or detoxing from an alcohol binge or suffering the side-effects that come from not taking their medication.

Over 40 Service Providers Gathered to Help the Homeless

 He would calmly sit there and talk to them, whether he'd known them for years or known them for minutes in the same jovial tone, "So you used again? Well, how's it feeling? Not great? You ready for treatment yet? No? Well, when you are, just let me know, we'll get someone down here to do an assessment. Here's some hand warmers your fingers look frozen man." 

It was never, "Go to treatment," or "I can't believe you used again!"

With Lee it was always, "You ready for treatment? No? Well, tell me when you want to stop feeling like crap and we'll make it happen."

That was it, no guilt trip, just a hard look at the facts. Your actions are hurting you, here's an out. You want it, it's yours. You don't, that's your choice.

3. Nothing changes without people willing to get their boots on the ground and their clothes a little dirty.

Providing Hope One Pair of Socks at a Time

Working street outreach meant that us workers had to go into some pretty decrepit places. I can remember one bridge in particular where we all knew to stay on the path provided, because everywhere outside of the path was fair game for toilet use.

While none of us found it pleasant, we didn't complain about it much either. After all, we didn't have to live there, we were just there temporarily to give out aid.

In social work you end up going to a lot of meetings (which is the true test of whether you'll make it in social work or not, can you stay awake and not kill anyone during endless meetings?).

In one such meeting there was a politician-administrator type who was pontificating about his plan to end homelessness (which was a load of absolute tripe). About halfway through his little speech, Lee put up a hand. The guy speaking ignored him. After a minute Lee calmly and quietly said, "Excuse me."

The speaker gave him an annoyed glance from behind his two-hundred dollar glasses and said, "What?"

Lee just shrugged and evenly asked, "You ever been homeless?"

"Well, no."

"How long you worked with homeless people?"

"Well I volunteer in a soup kitchen once a year..."

"So, you don't work with homeless people and you were never homeless."

"Umm..."

Lee let out a laugh, "So what makes you think you know how to end homelessness? This is the same crap-plan we've been hearing for decades, and guess what, it doesn't work. You're in a room full of homelessness experts, why don't you sit down and listen to some ideas instead?"

Lee knew the value of going out and having the experience to make actual attainable progress with people and the homeless population at large, even if that meant ruining a few pairs of shoes. There was no other way to understand the population and no other way to find ways to actually help them.

It saddens me that the world has lost another great advocate and person of purpose. However, I do know that the lives he touched across the country will be forever changed by his sense of humor, compassion and immense patience.


As always I can be found Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

Things Grak Hates... But His Author Loves

Hello all! I hope you have all had more fabulous weeks than the thought of a saber tooth tiger performing Swan Lake.

A quick reminder, there is a nifty way to help support the efforts of Reading is Fundamental, which is focused on spreading literacy. Two of my short stories were recently published in a collection of paranormal fiction called "Gates of Erebus," all the proceeds of which will be going to Reading is Fundamental!

Well this week I have the great pleasure to have author Peter J. Story as a guest on the blog. Peter has written a rad little book called "Things Grak Hates."

"Things Grak Hates" is a wonderful trip into the mind of history's first ever possible sociopath. This wonderfully bizarre little piece of satire explores the dynamics of human personality in caveman form. And here Peter J. Story is to tell us all about it:  

How long have you been writing? 

I’ve been writing for nearly as long as I can remember, though I’d have to say it really became a passion around the age of ten. My uncle introduced me to the work of J.R.R. Tolkien, and I was instantly captivated. My love affair with the written word has only grown since.

What inspired you to write this book? 

I’ve spent years as a student of human nature, so this book was inspired largely by my observations. By setting the story in a prehistoric landscape among a tribe of nomads, I was able to portray actions and their effects on a much more noticeable scale. Things rarely escalate at the pace they do in this story, of course; but I think you’ll spot a clear reflection of modern society.

 Where did the name Grak come from?

I was just looking for something “nomadic” sounding, that was easy to pronounce and easy to remember. Grak fit the bill.

When writing this book, did you hear one of the narrators from National Geographic in your head narrating this book from the bushes?

No, I imagined a voice with a bit more whimsy.

If you had to describe this book in exactly five words, what would those words be?

Human nature at its worst.

If Grak had a modern occupation, what would you surmise it would be?

Grak’s power-grubbing nature (and lack of real marketable skills) could put him squarely in some middle management position. Of course, he could also be a genocidal dictator, an overreaching HOA president, or your posturing co-worker. As some readers have pointed out, there’s a little Grak in each of us…

What was the most difficult part of writing this book?

There were two very challenging elements that I encountered in writing this book. The first was portraying everything through Grak’s eyes. The second was limiting the scope of the story. I tend to run away with a story and its characters; but in this story, I had to keep that tendency in check in order to maintain the slow pace and gradual build up.

Do you, the author, hate olives as much as your character Grak?

No. I love olives.

If you want to find out more about "Things Grak Hates" or the author check out Peter J. Story's Facebook Page!

As always, you can find me on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!  

A Nifty Hyde Out

Hello all! I hope your weeks have been going more fantastically than the thought of a thousand potbelly pigs cannonball diving into a pool!

This past week Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor got another fabulous five star review. Reader A. Reynolds writes, " It is so hard to find a book that makes you laugh out loud as you read the stories, but this book had me laughing non-stop!"

Well, Sunday I had the opportunity to once again have a book signing and reading at Hyde Park Books!

Hooked on Phonics Worked For Me

A mammoth thank you to everyone who came! It was an absolutely rad event.

Also a humongous thank you to Hyde Park Books owner Marti for allowing me to come in, rearrange furniture and yell in her shop (I get a little loud and animated when I read, particularly when the character I'm reading is a bit schnockered.)

If you missed me while I was in Boise, never fear, I will most likely be back during the summer! Of course, I will keep you all posted here.

In other news, I have recently had two short, fictional stories, that were published in a new anthology from Dream Weaver Anthologies called Gates of Erebus!

The proceeds from the book will go to Reading Is Fundamental to support global literacy! So if you're looking for some eerie fiction, check it out!

For more tour dates, information or just because inquisitive minds need to know come find me on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads! 

Let's Get This Show on the Road

Hello all! I hope your weeks have been more fantastic than the thought of a million elves doing the Truffle Shuffle to 'Jingle Bell Rock!'

Just a quick reminder, this month half of my profits from "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" and "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" will be going to help the SpokAnimal!

So buy a book and know you're helping fuzzies like Cinnamon here stay safe this holiday season. By the way, if anyone is looking for a lovable little ball of fluff, Cinnamon is currently up for adoption! So go snag this little eight-month-old guy!

Okay, I'll stop torturing you all with adorable kittens.

So as it turns out, being an author is not nearly as introverted a position as one would think. Good thing I'm only part hermit, because this show is going on the road!

I am excited to announce the first two stops on my winter book tour!

Saturday, December 20th (Yes, tomorrow, super late notice, but if you follow me on Facebook you'd have heard about it!) I will be at Monkeyboy Books, in Spokane, at 6:00 pm for a signing and reading! This is a joint event, as I will be joined by Spokane poet Mark Strutton and his gritty and poignant verses.

Then Sunday, January 11th at 3:00 pm I will be at Hyde Park Books in Boise, Idaho!

So if you're in Boise, come join us for some coffee, conversation and me making an absolute fool out of myself (which is what I tend to do in public).

I will be adding more tour dates here soon, so make sure you check here, Facebook and Twitter (@AllisonHawn) for more updates!

Have a marvelous holiday week everyone! Merry Christmas!

Old and Rare Doesn't Mean Obsolete

 

Hello all! I hope your weeks were more splendid than the thought of a thousand reindeer doing a conga line to "Winter Wonderland."

A quick reminder, for the rest of this month half of my proceeds from "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" will be going to benefit SpokAnimal!

So help critters like Grizzley here find homes! By the way, Grizzley is up for adoption! So if anyone would love this little six year old ball of fluff, go get him.

So this week I'm diverging from my normal snarky, yet happy-go-lucky, post but it is for something that I believe is important. 

This past month owner of Spokane independent bookstore, Monkeyboy Books, Marina, announced that she may have to close up shop in the next couple of months.

I find this extremely regretable. Not only is Marina a great supporter of independent authors, but her store offers something unique; A chance to find real literary treasures and turn up wonderful memories in an atmosphere of calm, serene comfort.

Independent bookstores selling rare and old books, like Monkeyboy Books, give us something that no Barnes and Noble can provide; A chance to touch history, find the lost pieces of our own pasts and possibly discover a new adventure bound in a cover that has let others discover that same shared adventure.

We live in a society that has very little value for 'permanent' and 'rare.'

It's like our nation as a whole has a fast food mentality. New phones that will be obsolete in five months, old family recipes that have been reduced, stuffed with preservatives and packaged for four minutes of microwave convenience, even our relationships now can be decided with the swipe of a thumb across a smartphone screen.

What independent bookshops provide us with is a moment to wander through a setting that is both familiar and unexpected and provides us with something tangible, something real, something that will not easily go away.

Let me give you an example. My childhood was not exactly tiptoeing through the tulips (not complaining, just a fact). I faced trouble at school and at home, and one of my few escapes was through the world of books. When I was around four years old I found a book called Robin Hood. 

I sat for hours reading, and rereading, through the stories of the daring Robin Hood, the bold Little John, the cunning Maid Marion and the conniving Sheriff of Nottingham. The book had few pictures, but I didn't need them as my imagination took me on adventures that would stick with me well into adulthood.

It was while wandering through Monkeyboy Books that I happened to look down at a shelf of old fairy tales and legends, that I found the exact copy of Robin Hood that I had read so much that I literally cracked the spine of it as a child.

It was like running into an old friend and remembering all the wonderful things that you used to do together. Taking that book home and reading it again was a feeling that could not be emulated scrolling through pictures on Instagram or picking up some new cheap gadget from WalMart.

It's not just about supporting local businesses, though that is important too. Being a patron to independent book shops protects your right to have the option to find something unique, treasured and rewarding.

So please, find a local independent bookseller, one that makes you feel welcomed, comfortable, with just a touch of adventure and support them with your business. I promise you won't regret it. 

If you want to find out ways to possibly help save Monkeyboy Books, please visit them on their Facebook page.

As always, I can be found on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

Christmas Creep

Hello all! I hope everyone had a splendid week full of clear roads, sunshine and warmth.

If you live in the Pacific Northwest, I know that these things are basically a distant memory as we all wake up an extra twenty minutes early to scrape our windshields free of permafrost, take our Vitamin D, since we probably won't see the sun for months, and don our wind-proof parkas.

One Photogenic Cat

Just a quick reminder, half of my profits from Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor and Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus through November and December will be going to help the wonderful efforts of SpokAnimal.

So pick up a book for a gift, or for yourself, and know that you're helping animals like Mz. Boo, here to the right, stay safe and warm this winter. Also, Mz. Boo is available for adoption, so save me from becoming a crazy cat lady and adopt her before I'm tempted to!

Well, it is now officially December, which means that the holiday spirit has gone from being the dull roar that has slowly been building since October, to the full-on maniacal laugh of Christmas crazy.
 
Don't get me wrong, I think Christmas is all fine and dandy. At the point where it starts to invade my every moment for nearly three months, trampling other poor holidays into the dust, it becomes a bit much, though. 

Seriously, every store I walk into looks like it was taken over by Santa's clone army.

There is a house down the street that has so many Christmas lights on it I have actually used it to help give driving instructions to my place.

"Okay, you're going to see a bright glow off to your left. Follow the bright glow for about a mile or so. As you drive by don't look directly at it or you'll blind yourself, then take the next right..."

I honestly have no idea how those people sleep at night since it is probably daytime in their house 24/7 thanks to those lights.

Probably the most disturbing part of this Christmas chaos is the fact that I am currently being stalked.

No, it's not the creepy Santa Claus hanging out in the park with his burlap sack full of... I actually never wanted to know what was in there. I think the cops told him he couldn't hang out there anymore.

I am being persistently followed by "(In Winter It's a) Marshmallow World." 

If you've never heard this glittering little slice of Hell, I have included it here for you:

Sung by the most alcohol soaked member of the Rat Pack, Dean Martin, isn't that just a lovely piece of sugary sweet terribleness? 

This has always been one of my least favorite Christmas songs. With lyrics like "It's a yum-yummy world made for sweethearts," every time I hear it I just want to punt a reindeer. 

Here, just to get that out of your head now, here is my favorite Christmas song:

 

So as the Christmas music began to roll onto the radio, I was chagrined to find that "Marshmallow World" was the first festive tune that graced the airwaves in my truck. I switched to the heavy metal station so fast that I may have broken a pre-set button.

Figuring I had met my "Marshmallow World" quota for the season, I decided to pull up a Pandora Christmas station. Not only was "Marshmallow World" the first song that popped up, out of the first five songs that played, my Marshmallow Nightmare played three times.

I've stopped using Pandora for a bit. 

I don't own a television, but this past week I went to house-sit for a friend who does. I have not flipped on a television in over a year, but the first thing that popped up onto the screen was a commercial for Target with, you guessed it, a pop version of "Marshmallow World" as its background music. 

So when I went grocery shopping and stepped into the store to hear that I was going to be buying celery to the sounds of Dean Martin slurring out, "It's a whipped cream day..." I may have let out an audible whimper. 

There was no way to explain to the concerned store attendant that I was being stalked by Dean Martin, who has been dead for nearly two decades, and his persistent desire to let me know that, "The world is your snowball just for a song." 

If you need me for the next month or so, I will be in my apartment curled up in a ball rocking back and forth and listening to the Twisted Sister Christmas album on repeat.

What Christmas songs are plaguing you this season?

As always, come find my festive self on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn), and Goodreads!

Literary Dialogue

You Know You Want To Cuddle Him

Hello all! I hope everyone had a more fantastic Thanksgiving than the thought of bunnies playing Monopoly!

Happy Turkey Apocalypse!

Just a quick reminder: If you love small fuzzy, not as tasty, animals, remember that fifty-percent of my profits for November and December from Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor and Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus will be going to support the efforts of SpokAnimal!

So snag a gift for a loved one and also help out adorable fuzzies like Doots here. By the way Doots is also available for adoption, so if you'd like a little bundle of cute, go snag this little guy.

Well, this past week I had a wonderfully unique experience.

I was invited to a little soiree at Monkeyboy Books to hold a signing and book reading!

It was an absolute blast!

As always, it is great to meet new people and be provided with a chance to make people laugh with my own special brand of misfortune and surreal experiences!

One such new person was Spokane poet, Mark Strutton. With hair that came down to his waist, kept under control underneath a sun-faded fedora, Strutton filled the evening with wonderful poems that spoke of the ills of the modern age, memories from years past and philosophical questions.

We took turns reading, though, as a comedy writer, I feel a bit like I was a clown delivering a eulogy to Mark's wonderfully deep poems.

It was an excellent literary dialogue though, he would read a couple of poems, then I would chime in with a story, and back and forth we went. It was a fantastic experience.

Thank you to all who came and said hello, and a special thank you to Monkeyboy Books owner Marina for hosting such a rad event!

As always, come find me on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

Keep it Classy

Hello all, I hope everyone is doing more splendidly than a rehash of Judy Garland's performance of 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' performed by drunk squirrels.

Don't forget to order your signed copies of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" by December 1st so that they can reach you and your loved ones by Christmas! Want to find out more? Click Here!

Also, half of my proceeds from either of my books sold during the month of November and December will go to help the efforts of SpokAnimal!

So buy a book and know that you're helping adorable animals like Jagger here get second leash on life (pun so very much intended). Oh, and by the way Jagger is up for adoption. So someone should go grab up this sweetheart before I have a weak moment and kidnap him myself.

One other very quick, and completely last-minute, announcement. I will be doing a book signing and reading at Monkeyboy Books this Saturday (November 22) at 5:30 pm! So if you're in the area come say hello!

Warning: Might Eat Your Soul

In other news, Spokane has officially solidified itself as the 'classiest' city in Washington.

How did we win such a prestigious, champagne soaked, title?

Well, not to brag, but we have not one tattoo and tanning salon business combo, but we have three. That's right, who in this day and age has time to wait for their tattoo to fully heal before they fake-tan themselves into oompa-loompa oblivion?

We also sport the only garbage eating goat statue, which resides directly in the center of one of our most scenic parks. The goat, designed to suck up your garbage when you feed detritus to it, also has the magical ability to sound like Satan may be opening a portal to Hell right there at your fingertips.

Still not enough proof of Spokane's classiness for you?

Credit: Huffington Post

Well how about our most recent appearance in the Huffington Post.

That's right, little old Spokane made it into Huff-Po... by being the town with the suspected murderer who managed to shoot himself in the leg trying to attack a police car that had just pulled up behind him.

And yes, that's a tattoo that reads, "Spokane" across his forehead.

See, Spokane even has self-arresting criminals, who are also proud of their hometown!

But truly, the biggest sign of our unflappable sense of 'fancy' comes from the conversations you can hear on the street.

Just the other day I was wandering down the street, in my high heels, full evening gown and mink stole (don't laugh too hard at that mental image, you might hurt yourself), and happened to hear this tid-bit of conversation:

"My mom and I just got in a fist fight at the Safeway... Why!? She took my Gatorade! She knows you don't mess with another person's Gatorade!"

That's right folks, classy people have their priorities straight: Blood may be thicker than water, but blood doesn't taste nearly as good as Gatorade.

Well, at least I can say I live in a town that provides me with plenty of writing material?

Do you think your town rivals Spokane in its 'fancy-ness?" Bring it, I will take you down like you just stole my Gatorade!

As always, have a fabulous week. If you need to find me check out my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and visit me on Goodreads!

Caustic Comments

Hello! I hope everyone has had an absolutely splendidly fantastic week, tantamount only to the thought of "Hunger Games: The Musical."

Just a couple of quick reminders: Part of the proceeds from all copies of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" will go to benefit the efforts of SpokAnimal!

So if you want to feel good about a book purchase, know that you're helping feed puppies and kittens, and providing spay and neuter services for the pets of low-income families.

Also, if you are wanting signed copies of either book, for yourself or a friend, you can find out how here.

All right, onwards!

I am a bit of a gym-rat. I am there almost every single day. I own more pairs of workout pants and shorts than I do normal pants and shorts. I can tell you what my top kettlebell swing weight is (Russian or American, kilograms and pounds).

What constantly shocks me is the comments that I get from guys, as a female, while working out seem only to get more stupid by the week.

I feel like a lot of the comments that I, and other gym going girls, get, are things that seem like they should obviously not be said. However, since I have gotten all of these at one point or another (most of them even this week), apparently they need to be said yet again.

So guys listen up, because these are the things guys (and really anyone) need to stop saying to girls at the gym:

1. "How much weight have you lost? Because you look better now."

It doesn't matter if she's lost two pounds or two hundred pounds, this is not a comment a girl wants to hear. 

Okay, I'm going to play Devil's Advocate and assume you meant that as a compliment. However, what you basically said is, "You weren't attractive before when you had a little extra weight on you, but now that you're thinner..."

Believe it or not, most women don't go to the gym so random guys can track their weight loss or fitness levels. I know this is a novel concept, some of us do it so we can become healthier for ourselves. 

And yes, we will tell you where you can go and what stationary bike you can ride on to get there.

2. "Are you sure you want to lift that much? You might get bulky..."

*Points to the point made above.*

I hate to break it to you, but women are not working out at the gym to fit into some random guy's fantasy of what a fit woman should look like. We're doing it so we can be healthy.

Also, some of us just don't have enough craps to give about possibly being "bulky."

3. "You're not doing that right, let me help you..."

 Why thank you kind professional personal trainer taking time out of your busy day to... Wait, you're not a professional personal trainer?

Oh, and you actually have no idea that due to my being female I have to modify certain lifts because they don't make certain weight equipment conducive to a female figure?

You think my grip on the 45 lbs dumbbell is odd for a bicep curl? How about the fact that if I hold it at the normal angle I will end up with giant bruises on my boobs thanks to the giant plates the manufacturers unnecessarily put on them?

You think my feet are at the wrong angle for a squat? Well after blowing out my knee a few years ago I was instructed by doctors to use a modified stance so I wouldn't re-injure it.

So, in the ten seconds you've seen me lift you just assumed everything I was doing was wrong, instead of assuming I perhaps understand my own body better than you might? 

Did we, as women, ask for your unsolicited advice? No? Then don't give it, and stop touching us!

4. "You know this is the free weight area, right? The weight machines are over there..."

Really!? Wow, that's what all those big lumps of metal and moving parts are!? Heck, I just wandered over here on accident while looking for a giant pink yoga ball to sit and bounce on.

Seriously, guys, women lift. Some of us lift more than you. Get over yourselves.

5. "You shouldn't do <Insert Name of Lift>, it's not good for your lady parts."

Yes, I have had this said about multiple types of lifts, and by multiple males.

I was unaware that random guys at the gym had any reason to be concerned about my reproductive organs. If only they cared this much when we need help paying for birth control.

Also, side note: Lifting does not hurt our 'lady parts,' that's like saying that doing cardio is going to hurt a guy's sperm count.

6. "You lift a lot for a girl."

Nope! That sentence was three words too long.

I don't "lift a lot for a girl." I just "lift a lot." Period.

7. "You come here often?" (Or really any pick-up line)

I'm lifting heavy things, sweat is pouring down my face like Niagra Falls and I have headphones in.

What part of this visual screams, "Hit on me!?" because really all it makes us want to do is hit on you... with a barbell. 

So what can you say to women at the gym? Okay, picture what you would say to your friend who is a guy at the gym. Now, weed out all the comments about hot girls, and try those. In other words, treat us like people instead of your new gym goal.

I would love to hear any other fun comments people get at the gym! 

As always I can be found on Facebook, Twitter (@Allison Hawn) and Goodreads!

Books for Pets

Hello everyone! I hope everyone's weeks were as fantastic as the thought of a million kittens mewing to Cake's "Short Skirt, Long Jacket."

Speaking of kittens, every year during November and December I like to choose a charity that will receive half of my proceeds from my books sold during those months. This year, that charity is SpokAnimal.

SpokAnimal is more than just an animal shelter. Their focus is not only on rescuing animals, but on providing low-cost spay and neuter services to help prevent overpopulation. Furthermore, they host veterinary clinics for low-income families and for the pets and service animals of the homeless.

Every copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" sold (e-book or tree-book) will help SpokAnimal keep up their excellent work both finding homes for cats and dogs and providing services that keep pets healthy!

On another quick note: I have received quite a few questions about how someone might obtain signed and dedicated copies of my books.

If you are wanting to pick up a signed copy of either of my books for yourself or as a gift for someone else please send me a private message on my Facebook author page. Let me know how many books you would like, which titles you would like and who you would like them dedicated to (make sure you spell their name correctly as I will be spelling their names exactly as you tell me). I will respond with where a check can be sent, and will ship the books out as soon as I can after I receive the check.

Books are $13.00 apiece, unless you want to order both "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" then it will be $22.00 for the two together. Shipping and handling is $2.50 for the first book, and $1.00 for each additional book (I can only ship in the U.S. at the moment).

If you are wanting books for Christmas gifts, please make sure you place your order and send payment before December 1 as that is when I will be sending out the Christmas shipment to make sure it reaches everyone on time! If you have any questions please either post them in the comments below or on my Facebook author page.

Of course, half of my proceeds from any signed copies sold during November and December will also help raise money for SpokAnimal!

Well, that's all for this week! Don't forget to look me up on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!

Totally Rad

Hello! I hope everyone had a fabulous week!

I had a week that pretty much wiped me off of my feet, which is how I ended up, with my trusty Netflix account, watching Beverly Hills Cop.

It had been forever and a day since I'd seen it, but laying there with my nutritional yeast covered popcorn (don't knock it until you try it), watching Eddie Murphy run around shooting people was exactly the therapy my soul needed. The man even makes a car break down by stuffing bananas in the tailpipe. Seriously, what more could you need?

I love films from the 1980's. Despite the crisp, clean, shiny feeling that all new movies seem to have, I still love hearing that synthesizer theme song and terrible dialogue. So, in case you need to be convinced as to why 1980's films are the bomb, here is why I adore them:

1. 1980's film plots didn't have to make sense.

No, seriously, as long as there was dialogue, some form of a climactic story-arc and inspirational sounding synthesizer music you could have written any plot and put it on the screen. And people did.

You want a story about a kid who fakes being sick for a day then runs amok; avoiding his parents and the principal, destroying an expensive car  and somehow managing to hijack a parade float? Sure! We'll give you Ferris Bueller's Day Off!

You want a movie about a teenager trying to win back his girlfriend from a skiing bully? You also desire that this movie include an entire montage of dancing fast food hallucinations that serve no purpose to the plot? Oh, and you also want the movie to be almost entirely comprised of dialogue like this:

Just go watch Better Off Dead!

There is something fantastic about watching a film that had a basic premise that someone just said, "You know what? Maybe we just need to throw a random scene where someone attempts to get high by snorting fully set Jell-o! Oooh! I know! Let's throw in a fanatical, and possibly psychotic, paperboy who will travel to the ends of the earth for two dollars!"

And that is how 1980's film plots pretty much go.

2. Bad guys in the 1980's were completely ineffective at life.

It always amazed me that villains in 1980's action flicks hired the most incompetent henchmen ever. With all the money they were shelling out to employ these losers, you'd think that requirement number one on the job description would be, "Can hold, load and fire a gun and be able to hit the broad side of Texas."

Your generic 1980's bad-guy underling might as well be given a Supersoaker full of bubbles for all the good they did defending their evil overlords. It constantly confounded me while growing up that the bad guys would face off against the hero, empty countless clips and do nothing more than modify the scenery and possibly trim a topiary. Then the hero would step out and basically blindly fire, like the picture to the right, and every human being in a ten mile radius would hit the dirt.

The only time a hero is actually shot is if it makes him or her look more tough, and half the time I think she or he had to jump in front of a bullet to get it to hit them!

3. People were extremely philanthropic in 1980's movies.

Coolest High School Janitor Ever!

Apparently it was normal in the 1980's for some kindly old janitor  at your high school to take you in, train you in some random martial art and then give you a classic car. At least the kid in Karate Kid didn't seem overly surprised about this.

It is also fairly common for a random old scientist to befriend local teenagers and allow them to play with their extremely expensive technical equipment, even when they blow the living crud out of it. After all, that's basically where the plot to Back to the Future came from.

4. The future was so much cooler in the 1980's than it actually turned out to be.

Speaking of Back to the Future where are my flying cars and hoverboards? Also, I think my lightsaber is long overdue and I haven't even heard hints of magical food packets that we can stick in a machine and magically hot and delicious food will pop out. Come on science, get with it!

5. Heroes didn't have to be complex.

While I enjoy my modern renditions of Batman and Spiderman as much as the next person, I also sometimes enjoy just watching mindless destruction at the sake of saving the world. Why does the world need saving? Umm... reasons?

Let's face it they all had reasons to cause wonton destruction (90% of the time it was revenge), but normally those plot devices were kind of lame.

A drug dealer attacks your buddy? You turn in your license to kill and go wipe out the equivalent of the population of a South American country to get your revenge. You also must make at least one building explode and kill a maniacal mastermind. That's it, that's all you need to be a 1980's action hero. No deep, dark secret, no inner-turmoil or conflict. You just need to know you're the good guy, and they are all bad guys.

6. If someone ever needed to train for something, there was always a band nearby to play awesome workout montage music.

Remember this little gem?

How would Sylvester Stallone have ever survived Mr. T without his theme music?

7. Evil masterminds almost always defeated themselves with monologue.

20 Minutes Later...

"Alright Johnny Goodguy, I have you tied to a chair and completely at the mercy of my amazing array of weaponry. Before I kill you however, I am going to explain every last detail of my nefarious plot, taunt you, read you my college dissertation and then show you a slideshow of evil kittens..."

I wonder how many times the world would have been destroyed or taken over if the evil mastermind had just cut out his ten-minute monologue and just shot the hero without further explanation?


 So, what were all of your favorite things about films in the 1980's?

In other news, thank you everyone who put a bid in at the Washington Chapter of the Modified Dolls' auction for the signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus!" The auction raised quite a bit of money for the Not For Sale Campaign!

As always, I can be found on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!