Saturday, October 26, 2013

This is Halloween

Hello all ghouls and goblins!

I'm extremely excited for this next week. Why? Because it's Halloween, which is the best holiday of them all!

Every time I say this I get expressions that denotes that I have been huffing too much glue or drinking too much Kool-Aid mixed with bathroom cleaners.

I have some very legitimate reasons why Halloween is, by far, my favorite holiday.

1. For one day you can be whoever or whatever you want and have it be socially acceptable.

Have you always dreamed of being a spy, a giant crayon, a dragon or all of the above? Do it!

On Halloween you have full permission to don whatever getup you desire and be whoever you want to be in a way that, aside from various conventions, would normally be taboo.

Need a costume idea? What about attempting this one?

2. Halloween comes with very low stress or social pressure.

Halloween can be as involved or uninvolved as you want it to be. Want to dress up and go to a midnight showing of "Rocky Horror Picture Show?" Go for it. Want to run around a haunted house? Scream on.

However, if you want to sit at home and pass out candy, that option is acceptable. Don't want to pass out candy? Then turn your porch light off and spend the evening watching campy horror movies in your boxers.

If you do go for that option, however, no complaining when one of these guys ends up in your kitchen:

3. It is a holiday that, more than any other, showcases human creativity. 

Some people are geniuses with their costumes.

Can you imagine how much time it must have taken to do the make-up for this Roy Lichtenstein-esque costume?

And this is probably the most make-up these guys will ever wear (and how did they get so shiny?).

And probably my favorite visual pun costume, the human spice rack.

I don't care how much time you spend trimming your Christmas tree or making that centerpiece for your Thanksgiving table, Halloween brings out the best (and sometimes, admittedly, the worst) in human creativity.

4. Candy

Enough said.

5. Halloween provides a legitimate reason to watch endless amounts of zombie films.

Seriously, what other time of year can you tell your coworkers that you plan on watching "Zombieland," "Dawn of the Dead," "Shaun of the Dead," "Resident Evil" and "Night of the Living Dead" in one day without them giving you concerned looks and wondering if they need to refer you to a mental health professional?

I hope everyone has a fantastic Halloween!

Let me know what your favorite part of Halloween is!

Remember, if you ever need a little extra adventure in your day feel free to follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Can it be Called a Death Bed if You're on the Floor?

Hello everyone! (Yes, even those who dare to say that Batman is not a superhero.)

I hope your weeks have been supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Mine was... somewhat... less than that?

I discovered a fact about myself a long time ago: If I am going to get sick, it will never be "a case of the sniffles" or "a low grade fever and some body aches."

No, if I get sick it will start quietly and progress until I look like, and have all the functioning capabilities of, this:

This week I managed to catch something that, like a terrible romance novel, swept me off my feet, and unlike said cheesy book, then pile drove me into the floor.

I was totally fine, until I really, really wasn't. One minute I was sitting in my apartment after work prepping for the next day, the next I found myself on the bathroom floor in this position:

Except, I was far less adorable, I promise. This is where I spent most of Monday night.

At one point during the night I was joined by my cat, Voodoo, who preceded to give me a very inspirational pep talk. I was so sick at that point that it took me a full five minutes to remember that cats can't talk, and this was probably not a good sign.  She had some excellent points though.

I spent the next several days unable to consume much of anything. My biggest triumph in three days was being able to digest water.

Of course, as with all experiences, I learned some important lessons from my little week of sub-human existence.

First off, if you repeatedly try to turn off a light and it refuses to get darker in your room, then the conclusion you must reach is that it is daylight outside and the light is, in fact, the sun. You really should stop fiddling with the light switch and go back to bed.

Don't watch Batman cartoons, cheesy crime shows (such as "Murder, She Wrote," don't judge, Angela Lansbury is awesome) and then a short documentary on medieval armor in tandem. You will have some weird dreams (apparently Angela Lansbury is really good at driving the Batmobile in chain mail, though).

 I also learned that the most dangerous thing for a sick person is to have in her or his apartment at the same time is a fly and two very active kitties.

On day two of my quarantine from civilization, I awoke to find a giant fly doing little circles above my head. I also quickly realized that on either side of my head were my cats, who were staring at the fly with murderous intent.

It took me a couple seconds to realize the predicament that I was in, and by then it was too late.

I now have the little kitty scratches to prove that they did indeed kill that fly.

Thankfully I am back in the world of the living and able to digest food at this point. We shall see what kind of craziness this next week brings as I return to work.

One positive of being sick is that it gave me some time to think of some new contest ideas (which, of course, means free stuff for people). Details will be soon to follow, I promise.

I hope everyone has a flu/cold/death-illness free week! Remember if you wish to follow my exploits on a more consistently posted basis you can follow me on Twitter, Goodreads and Facebook!

Monday, October 14, 2013

How's That Working For Ya?

Hello ladies and gentlemen. My blog post is a little late this week because I was fighting off a dragon using only a spatula and a broken seat belt.

Strangely enough, that probably would have been easier than my week.

Of course, every odd experience is possible fuel for a follow up to "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus," right? And boy was there material from this past week.

This last Wednesday I went to visit one of the other social work agencies, that primarily serves men, that I partner with.

When I'm there, I'm usually set up in a conference room with other providers from the area in a long line, like we are the Council of the Caffeine Deprived Social Workers. We usually sit there, looking like this:

While inside we look a bit more like this:

Why might our inner selves look like this?

Well, the first person who came in to talk to me that morning stumbled up to the chair across from me, plopped himself down, hiccuped and passed out in a drunken stupor. I decided against signing him up for my employment program.

He was not a tiny guy, so it took several of us to figure out a way to get him somewhere where he could sleep off his previous nights' fun. This has happened more times on the job than I could probably count if I were to use my hands, toes, and all of my coworkers' appendages.

This, of course, had followed the fact that not five minutes earlier, as I had walked into the building a random guy looked at me and half-shouted, "Hey! I think I'm gonna call you Tits-Mcgee!"

Oh how I do so love getting new nicknames, particularly when they are about a random part of my body (you can only read that statement in your head with a perky Julie Andrews accent by the way).

As I was walking to my next agency stop for the day, I passed by a construction zone, because Spokane is basically one giant construction zone year round, and heard, "Hey, sweet-cheeks! Why don't you wander this way!?"

This didn't happen at one construction site, this happened at three of them.

What was I wearing to provoke these comments? A pair of jeans, utility boots and a big sweatshirt. The only way I could have been more covered is if I looked like this guy:

To be honest, what he's wearing is so much more form fitting than what I was wearing that day. I also don't believe that these comments should have been made, even if I were dressed like Daisy Duke (not that I would, no one wants to see me in those shorts).

Now at this point, I could go on some long rant about how men who speak like this are treating women like objects, but instead, I want to pose a question. That question is, "Has obscenely cat-calling random women worked for any guy ever?"

I mean seriously, your major plan is what exactly? Do you think that simply by uttering some crass comment about how our "butts fit perfectly in our jeans" or how you, "bet we taste just like candy," is going get you some action?

I want to meet the girl who doesn't find a guy attractive until he turns on the ultimate charm of throwing random words together in such Shakespearean prose by calling her, "sweet-cheeks." No, seriously, I want to find this girl so I can smack her with a copy of "Pride and Prejudice" in the hopes that some of the lessons and class from that book stick.

But guys, seriously, yelling random obscene "compliments" at women is at its best dumb and creepy, and at its worst liable to end with some girl's boyfriend/very butch girlfriend/older brother/very protective friend who weight lifts a lot coming after you to turn you from a solid into a liquid.

Stop. It does not work.

Sorry about the late post again, next week I promise to be more on the ball (Disclaimer: Unless I get hit by a car, or kidnapped by bandits or distracted by shiny objects).

As always, feel free to follow my mad-cap exploits on FacebookTwitter and Goodreads!

Friday, October 4, 2013

Minding the Single Minded

Hello ladies, gentlemen and very conscious cheese.

I fully realize that the government is currently in power-save mode (I don't want to call it "shut down" because somehow politicians are still getting paid), and I realize that every other blogger in America is probably talking about it.

I am not going to give a long political rant. Why?

Because honestly if I wanted to write about selfish, pouting people, who have no regard for how their actions affect others and who could create more logical arguments by shaking up a Boggle game, then I would work with and write about toddlers.

Grow up politicians, share your toys and stop throwing things around indiscriminately, because they are hitting and hurting people.

If you need something to lift your spirits remember "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" is totally there for you!

I am about to admit something that is apparently very difficult for most people my age in our culture to admit. I am single. This is a fact that I am ok with.

Does this mean I never want to be in a relationship? No, if the right person came along then sure, why not?

Does it mean that I live in a quagmire of lonely depression because I have no one to call annoying pet-names? Absolutely not.

Please don't take this post as "I am complaining about being single." I actually am a content and functional human being single or in a relationship. Weird, I know.

However, when one is single there are some stock things that people in relationships tend to say, that are often annoying, hurtful and/or downright rude. These are all things that I have not only heard multiple times, but all of them I heard in the last month alone. What this post is about is things people should really not say to people who are single. 

1. "Your standards are/must be too high."

This statement would make sense if I had just spent an hour regaling you with a list of what I look for in a potential date that started with, "Well let's see, they have to be a billionaire, philanthropist, model, physicist, who owns the original set pieces of the Millennium Falcon and also happens to ride a tiger to work..."

I can guarantee that I have never uttered that phrase or any such list to be honest, so how can you assume that my "standards are too high?"

You want to know my standards? Ok, let me break some of the top things off of the "list" down for you:  

1. Not a psycho.
2. Has a sense of humor.
3. Likes Batman.
4. Has above a 10th grade reading level.
5. Understands basic hygiene.
6. Respects me and my tendency to read comic books while drinking pomegranate juice.

Tell me, are my standards too high? 

2. "You're just not looking hard enough."

I tend to view relationships less as a Sherlock Holmes mystery than the average person it seems. Exactly where should I be looking for the clues that are going to lead me to what you picture as relationship bliss?

The bar scene is full of creeps, I don't foresee dating anyone at work anytime soon and the time of the morning that I go to the gym is pretty much reserved for those in their 70's. 

3. "God has someone extra special out there for you."

Of all the "attempting to make the single person feel better" statements that people say, this one is like a Medieval gauntlet on a chalkboard to me.

What you said: "God has someone extra special out there for you."

What I hear: "It's going to take a miracle for you to find someone."

Thanks. Glad that an act of God is what you think it will take for me to find a date. Also, I really don't need any more "extra special" people in my life. I'm not taking enough medication to deal with the "special" people I'm already dealing with.

4. "You should put yourself out there more."

Where exactly is this "there" of which you speak.

You also should be a bit more specific about what you mean by "putting myself out there." What do you expect me to do, wear a dinosaur costume with the word "single" written on it? Do you expect me to run around with a sandwich board that reads, "Single, has a job, owns own vehicle, showers regularly, doesn't smoke and remembers to wear socks most days?"

This advice is as useless as an inflatable dart board.

5.  "You should try online dating, it worked really well for my uncle/acquaintance/person I read about."

Look, I'm glad that your second-cousin was able to find a date through that website that matches people based on their phobias, but that's not really my deal.

Why isn't it my deal? I had a friend who once set up a profile for me on a website because she was bound and determined to show me that it "really worked." All of my matches ended up looking like this:

The first five messages I got were from 40-something year old people looking to cheat on their spouses, the sixth was from a guy who said that he enjoyed watching women cook, naked, in the kitchen for him and the final one was from a guy who sent a message detailing the medications he was on.

My friend shut down the account she made for me and her own account that day.

6. "There are plenty of fish in the sea."

Fair, but, to stick with the cliche metaphor, the sea happens to have a lot of carnivorous anglerfish, poisonous puffer fish and other fishies that are about as cuddly as this:

7. "Your biological clock is ticking."

This is all:

8. "If you'd have a date in no time."

Let me complete that sentence for you with things that people have actually said "... wore more makeup/wore less makeup/lost weight/wore heels/talked about less nerdy things/watched more episodes of "The Bachelor"/talked more/talked less/didn't have such strange hobbies/weren't so opinionated/had more of an opinion/weight-lifted less/didn't work out as hard when you went to the gym/didn't like Star Wars/went to <Insert Hipster Nonsense Name> Club/wore your hair down more..."

I'm sorry, you can't use my being single as an excuse to tell me something that you don't like about me. You want to provide constructive criticism? Fine, I'm all ears. But don't provide me with thinly veiled insults under the guise of trying to find me a potential date.

Also, I am not going to hide who I am just so I can ensnare some poor person, only for them to realize later on that I do wander around my apartment in Batman boxers singing Disney songs. I am who I am, and if I am going to give up my single status, it isn't going to be to someone who is infatuated with a fake version of me.

I know there are probably a billion more similar statements that could be added to this list. Do you have one that makes you want to stick your head in a microwave? Tell me about it.

As always feel free to follow my adventures on FacebookTwitter and Goodreads!