Friday, December 26, 2014

Back Off Elf!

Hello all! I hope you all had Merrier Christmases than the thought of Santa and his elves doing a conga line to "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen!"

Just a quick reminder, half of my profits from copies sold of Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus and Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor this month will go to benefit the efforts of SpokAnimal!

So snag a book and help out animals like BoBo here stay safe and warm! Also, if you're looking for a friendly fuzzy to add to your home, BoBo is available for adoption!

And now on to our regularly scheduled broadcast.

I enjoy holiday festivities as much as the next Christmas cookie and wassail consuming person. However, this week, as I was inundated with countless Christmas tunes, I suddenly began to realize just how creepy some of these songs actually are.

The more I listened to the lyrics, the more weirded out I got. Here are just a few of my festive findings:

Santa Baby

To start off, this song is basically a woman attempting to seduce Santa into giving her a car, a diamond ring, a platinum mine... basically she's the biggest coal-digger ever.

Then there's the fact that this song was originally sung by Eartha Kitt. Now, for those of you who don't know Eartha Kitt, she was one of the original actresses that played Catwoman in the Adam West Batman series. She also played the voice of the villain Yzma in The Emperor's New Groove.

This means that Santa is basically either being seduced by Catwoman:

Or Yzma:

I'm honestly not sure which one is a creepier prospect. I'll let you decide.

Baby It's Cold Outside

This song has more rapey innuendo in it than a Robin Thicke music video!

Originally sung by, what sounds like an incredibly sloshed, Dean Martin, the little ditty comes complete with lines like, "Beautiful, what's your hurry?" and, "Baby don't hold out."

The woman's responds with things like, "The answer is no," and, "Say, what's in this drink," which really take away any possibility that this girl isn't being seriously creeped on.

If the conversation that takes place in this song happened in a bar or restaurant, I hope nearby patrons would be looking this guy up on their phones to see if he is a registered sex offender and trying to get the girl a police escort home.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

"He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake."

Was I the only one who read Orwell's 1984?

Also, "You better not pout, you'd better not cry..."

Just repress your feelings children, bottle them up inside until you explode!

Frosty the Snowman

"Frosty the snowman knew the sun was hot that day, so he said, 'Let's run and we'll have some fun now before I melt away!"

Yay kids! Your magical anthropomorphic snowman just died!

At least in Frozen they figured out  a way to not kill Olaf.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland 

Aside from the creepy snowman propositioning that occurs mid-song ("He'll say 'Are you married' we'll say 'No man, but you can do the job while you're in town..."), the real creep factor in this song is word choice.

"Later on, we'll conspire, as we dream by the fire."

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary the definition of the word "conspire" is either, "To secretly plan with someone to do something that is harmful or illegal," or, "To happen in a way that produces bad or unpleasant results."

Apparently the people in this song have much more nefarious post winter exploration plans than I ever did. It seems they got away with whatever they were planning, though, as there was no sequel song title, "Walking Into Cell Block Six."

So what Christmas songs do you find weird or disturbing?

As always, feel free to come find me (in the non-creepiest way possible) on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

Friday, December 19, 2014

Let's Get This Show on the Road

Hello all! I hope your weeks have been more fantastic than the thought of a million elves doing the Truffle Shuffle to 'Jingle Bell Rock!'

Just a quick reminder, this month half of my profits from "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" and "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" will be going to help the SpokAnimal!

So buy a book and know you're helping fuzzies like Cinnamon here stay safe this holiday season. By the way, if anyone is looking for a lovable little ball of fluff, Cinnamon is currently up for adoption! So go snag this little eight-month-old guy!

Okay, I'll stop torturing you all with adorable kittens.

So as it turns out, being an author is not nearly as introverted a position as one would think. Good thing I'm only part hermit, because this show is going on the road!

I am excited to announce the first two stops on my winter book tour!

Saturday, December 20th (Yes, tomorrow, super late notice, but if you follow me on Facebook you'd have heard about it!) I will be at Monkeyboy Books, in Spokane, at 6:00 pm for a signing and reading! This is a joint event, as I will be joined by Spokane poet Mark Strutton and his gritty and poignant verses.

Then Sunday, January 11th at 3:00 pm I will be at Hyde Park Books in Boise, Idaho!

So if you're in Boise, come join us for some coffee, conversation and me making an absolute fool out of myself (which is what I tend to do in public).

I will be adding more tour dates here soon, so make sure you check here, Facebook and Twitter (@AllisonHawn) for more updates!

Have a marvelous holiday week everyone! Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 12, 2014

Old and Rare Doesn't Mean Obsolete


Hello all! I hope your weeks were more splendid than the thought of a thousand reindeer doing a conga line to "Winter Wonderland."

A quick reminder, for the rest of this month half of my proceeds from "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" will be going to benefit SpokAnimal!

So help critters like Grizzley here find homes! By the way, Grizzley is up for adoption! So if anyone would love this little six year old ball of fluff, go get him.

So this week I'm diverging from my normal snarky, yet happy-go-lucky, post but it is for something that I believe is important. 

This past month owner of Spokane independent bookstore, Monkeyboy Books, Marina, announced that she may have to close up shop in the next couple of months.

I find this extremely regretable. Not only is Marina a great supporter of independent authors, but her store offers something unique; A chance to find real literary treasures and turn up wonderful memories in an atmosphere of calm, serene comfort.

Independent bookstores selling rare and old books, like Monkeyboy Books, give us something that no Barnes and Noble can provide; A chance to touch history, find the lost pieces of our own pasts and possibly discover a new adventure bound in a cover that has let others discover that same shared adventure.

We live in a society that has very little value for 'permanent' and 'rare.'

It's like our nation as a whole has a fast food mentality. New phones that will be obsolete in five months, old family recipes that have been reduced, stuffed with preservatives and packaged for four minutes of microwave convenience, even our relationships now can be decided with the swipe of a thumb across a smartphone screen.

What independent bookshops provide us with is a moment to wander through a setting that is both familiar and unexpected and provides us with something tangible, something real, something that will not easily go away.

Let me give you an example. My childhood was not exactly tiptoeing through the tulips (not complaining, just a fact). I faced trouble at school and at home, and one of my few escapes was through the world of books. When I was around four years old I found a book called Robin Hood

I sat for hours reading, and rereading, through the stories of the daring Robin Hood, the bold Little John, the cunning Maid Marion and the conniving Sheriff of Nottingham. The book had few pictures, but I didn't need them as my imagination took me on adventures that would stick with me well into adulthood.

It was while wandering through Monkeyboy Books that I happened to look down at a shelf of old fairy tales and legends, that I found the exact copy of Robin Hood that I had read so much that I literally cracked the spine of it as a child.

It was like running into an old friend and remembering all the wonderful things that you used to do together. Taking that book home and reading it again was a feeling that could not be emulated scrolling through pictures on Instagram or picking up some new cheap gadget from WalMart.

It's not just about supporting local businesses, though that is important too. Being a patron to independent book shops protects your right to have the option to find something unique, treasured and rewarding.

So please, find a local independent bookseller, one that makes you feel welcomed, comfortable, with just a touch of adventure and support them with your business. I promise you won't regret it. 

If you want to find out ways to possibly help save Monkeyboy Books, please visit them on their Facebook page.

As always, I can be found on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

Friday, December 5, 2014

Christmas Creep

Hello all! I hope everyone had a splendid week full of clear roads, sunshine and warmth.

If you live in the Pacific Northwest, I know that these things are basically a distant memory as we all wake up an extra twenty minutes early to scrape our windshields free of permafrost, take our Vitamin D, since we probably won't see the sun for months, and don our wind-proof parkas.

One Photogenic Cat
Just a quick reminder, half of my profits from Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor and Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus through November and December will be going to help the wonderful efforts of SpokAnimal.

So pick up a book for a gift, or for yourself, and know that you're helping animals like Mz. Boo, here to the right, stay safe and warm this winter. Also, Mz. Boo is available for adoption, so save me from becoming a crazy cat lady and adopt her before I'm tempted to!

Well, it is now officially December, which means that the holiday spirit has gone from being the dull roar that has slowly been building since October, to the full-on maniacal laugh of Christmas crazy.
Don't get me wrong, I think Christmas is all fine and dandy. At the point where it starts to invade my every moment for nearly three months, trampling other poor holidays into the dust, it becomes a bit much, though. 

Seriously, every store I walk into looks like it was taken over by Santa's clone army.

There is a house down the street that has so many Christmas lights on it I have actually used it to help give driving instructions to my place.

"Okay, you're going to see a bright glow off to your left. Follow the bright glow for about a mile or so. As you drive by don't look directly at it or you'll blind yourself, then take the next right..."

I honestly have no idea how those people sleep at night since it is probably daytime in their house 24/7 thanks to those lights.

Probably the most disturbing part of this Christmas chaos is the fact that I am currently being stalked.

No, it's not the creepy Santa Claus hanging out in the park with his burlap sack full of... I actually never wanted to know what was in there. I think the cops told him he couldn't hang out there anymore.

I am being persistently followed by "(In Winter It's a) Marshmallow World." 

If you've never heard this glittering little slice of Hell, I have included it here for you:

Sung by the most alcohol soaked member of the Rat Pack, Dean Martin, isn't that just a lovely piece of sugary sweet terribleness? 

This has always been one of my least favorite Christmas songs. With lyrics like "It's a yum-yummy world made for sweethearts," every time I hear it I just want to punt a reindeer. 

Here, just to get that out of your head now, here is my favorite Christmas song:

So as the Christmas music began to roll onto the radio, I was chagrined to find that "Marshmallow World" was the first festive tune that graced the airwaves in my truck. I switched to the heavy metal station so fast that I may have broken a pre-set button.

Figuring I had met my "Marshmallow World" quota for the season, I decided to pull up a Pandora Christmas station. Not only was "Marshmallow World" the first song that popped up, out of the first five songs that played, my Marshmallow Nightmare played three times.

I've stopped using Pandora for a bit. 

I don't own a television, but this past week I went to house-sit for a friend who does. I have not flipped on a television in over a year, but the first thing that popped up onto the screen was a commercial for Target with, you guessed it, a pop version of "Marshmallow World" as its background music. 

So when I went grocery shopping and stepped into the store to hear that I was going to be buying celery to the sounds of Dean Martin slurring out, "It's a whipped cream day..." I may have let out an audible whimper. 

There was no way to explain to the concerned store attendant that I was being stalked by Dean Martin, who has been dead for nearly two decades, and his persistent desire to let me know that, "The world is your snowball just for a song." 

If you need me for the next month or so, I will be in my apartment curled up in a ball rocking back and forth and listening to the Twisted Sister Christmas album on repeat.

What Christmas songs are plaguing you this season?

As always, come find my festive self on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn), and Goodreads!