The Miracle I Don't Want

Hello everyone! I hope your weeks have been more fantastic than the thought of a thousand Ewoks jamming out to a jazz cover of Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby!"

So this week I turned 25. That's right, I am the ripe old age of 25 and despite paying for and earning a four-year university degree, having managed multiple non-profit programs and being a published author, it seems that I am lacking the true requirement to be a successful human being: I don't have kids.

Please don't take the following as a condemnation of any woman who wants to have kids; motherhood is a noble and daring vocation. However, it is not for me.

Don't get me wrong, I like kids when I can hand them back to their parents the second they start to make a sound/ooze/smell. As a long term enterprise, however, child rearing is not something I'm really interested in.

Your first clue that I should not be having kids, by the way, is that I just referred to them as a "long term enterprise."

I am not going into all of the reasons I don't want to have kids here, because that could be it's own book to be perfectly honest.

It is incredible to me, though, how many things people are willing to say in judgement when I honestly say that I do not wish to procreate.

Today's post is the things that people need to stop saying to women who don't want children. All of these things have been said to me on more than one occasion, and I've had other friends who have corroborated that these statements happen as well. So please just stop.

"But you're a woman, don't you have a natural/biological desire to have kids?"

My Reaction to that Question

Alrighty, not only is that sexist, but utterly illogical. The human body is capable of a great many things that come as part of the packaged deal that we don't necessarily want to experience.  My body is naturally capable of developing kidney stones, hypothyroidism and blood clots, that doesn't mean that I have a "natural" desire to have these conditions manifest.

Believe it or not, not every person on the planet with a uterus wants to have kids.

 "Oh, well, you'll change your mind."

Funny, that's what people said to me 20 years ago when I was happily coloring in my dinosaur coloring book. Strange thing is, my mind has yet to change (and I am still coloring in my dinosaur coloring book).

That's Right, You're Jealous of My Tye-Dye Dinosaur

"What do you do all day?"

Oh, you know, mostly this:

Yep, I spend all day engaged in shenanigans and useless activities that basically make me a breathing, sushi consuming, water-filled waste of space.

Or I could be working my forty-plus-hours a week job, volunteering my time in my community, writing books, helping my elderly neighbor get her groceries into her apartment...

"Who will take care of you when you get older?"

This Cat Has No Kittens

Hopefully a really hot in-home nurse at my beachfront condo, who will think it's super precocious when I click the "Life Alert" button every five minutes.

After all I'm not spending the $241,080 that the U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates it costs to raise a child until the age of eighteen, so why not? (Then again, I am a social worker...)


"But Babies Are So Precious!"

Yes, I will concede, babies are adorable.

However, the parents of small children are not. I have yet to run into the parent of a newborn who didn't look something like the picture to the right.

I have a friend who didn't realize that she had a Cheeto stuck in her hair for three days because her baby was teething. Thanks, but I think I'd prefer to avoid a period in my life where I have all the functioning capacity of a zombie due to something small and cute.

"Kids Give Your Life Meaning!"

Even the Octopus is Sick of that One

Nope, I think you're mistaking me with you. Kids might give your life meaning, but not mine.

Also, if kids are the only thing that can give your life meaning on this planet, might I point out that life is going to be rather unpleasant for you when your kids grow up and you become an empty-nester.

It is possible to lead a rich and fulfilling life without having children, I promise.

"But, you have nothing to talk about with people who are parents."

Sorry, I don't feel like pushing the equivalent of a nine pound breathing watermelon out of my body just so I can have a conversation piece.

"Your biological clock is ticking!"

This would be sooooo much more meaningful if I actually wanted kids. Since I don't, that's kind of an empty threat. It's kind of like telling me that if I don't jump into the shark tank, I won't ever get to experience being eaten by sharks!

I don't want kids, so whatever reproductive abilities I lose with age really don't concern me much. If I could sum it up:

"You're just being selfish."

Really? I am acknowledging that I do not have the desire or motivation to have children instead of begrudgingly bringing them into the world, which is already overpopulated and plagued with a million and one ills, due to some ancient entrenched societal expectation. Yep, I'm "being selfish."

To any other women out there who don't have or don't want kids, what are you sick of hearing people say?

As always you can find my childless self on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

Minding the Single Minded

Hello ladies, gentlemen and very conscious cheese.

I fully realize that the government is currently in power-save mode (I don't want to call it "shut down" because somehow politicians are still getting paid), and I realize that every other blogger in America is probably talking about it.

I am not going to give a long political rant. Why?

Because honestly if I wanted to write about selfish, pouting people, who have no regard for how their actions affect others and who could create more logical arguments by shaking up a Boggle game, then I would work with and write about toddlers.

Grow up politicians, share your toys and stop throwing things around indiscriminately, because they are hitting and hurting people.

If you need something to lift your spirits remember "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" is totally there for you!

I am about to admit something that is apparently very difficult for most people my age in our culture to admit. I am single. This is a fact that I am ok with.

Does this mean I never want to be in a relationship? No, if the right person came along then sure, why not?

Does it mean that I live in a quagmire of lonely depression because I have no one to call annoying pet-names? Absolutely not.

Please don't take this post as "I am complaining about being single." I actually am a content and functional human being single or in a relationship. Weird, I know.

However, when one is single there are some stock things that people in relationships tend to say, that are often annoying, hurtful and/or downright rude. These are all things that I have not only heard multiple times, but all of them I heard in the last month alone. What this post is about is things people should really not say to people who are single. 

1. "Your standards are/must be too high."

This statement would make sense if I had just spent an hour regaling you with a list of what I look for in a potential date that started with, "Well let's see, they have to be a billionaire, philanthropist, model, physicist, who owns the original set pieces of the Millennium Falcon and also happens to ride a tiger to work..."

I can guarantee that I have never uttered that phrase or any such list to be honest, so how can you assume that my "standards are too high?"

You want to know my standards? Ok, let me break some of the top things off of the "list" down for you:  

1. Not a psycho.
2. Has a sense of humor.
3. Likes Batman.
4. Has above a 10th grade reading level.
5. Understands basic hygiene.
6. Respects me and my tendency to read comic books while drinking pomegranate juice.

Tell me, are my standards too high? 

 
2. "You're just not looking hard enough."

I tend to view relationships less as a Sherlock Holmes mystery than the average person it seems. Exactly where should I be looking for the clues that are going to lead me to what you picture as relationship bliss?

The bar scene is full of creeps, I don't foresee dating anyone at work anytime soon and the time of the morning that I go to the gym is pretty much reserved for those in their 70's. 


3. "God has someone extra special out there for you."

Of all the "attempting to make the single person feel better" statements that people say, this one is like a Medieval gauntlet on a chalkboard to me.

What you said: "God has someone extra special out there for you."

What I hear: "It's going to take a miracle for you to find someone."

Thanks. Glad that an act of God is what you think it will take for me to find a date. Also, I really don't need any more "extra special" people in my life. I'm not taking enough medication to deal with the "special" people I'm already dealing with.


4. "You should put yourself out there more."

Where exactly is this "there" of which you speak.

You also should be a bit more specific about what you mean by "putting myself out there." What do you expect me to do, wear a dinosaur costume with the word "single" written on it? Do you expect me to run around with a sandwich board that reads, "Single, has a job, owns own vehicle, showers regularly, doesn't smoke and remembers to wear socks most days?"

This advice is as useless as an inflatable dart board.


5.  "You should try online dating, it worked really well for my uncle/acquaintance/person I read about."

Look, I'm glad that your second-cousin was able to find a date through that website that matches people based on their phobias, but that's not really my deal.

Why isn't it my deal? I had a friend who once set up a profile for me on a website because she was bound and determined to show me that it "really worked." All of my matches ended up looking like this:

The first five messages I got were from 40-something year old people looking to cheat on their spouses, the sixth was from a guy who said that he enjoyed watching women cook, naked, in the kitchen for him and the final one was from a guy who sent a message detailing the medications he was on.

My friend shut down the account she made for me and her own account that day.


6. "There are plenty of fish in the sea."

Fair, but, to stick with the cliche metaphor, the sea happens to have a lot of carnivorous anglerfish, poisonous puffer fish and other fishies that are about as cuddly as this:

7. "Your biological clock is ticking."

This is all:

8. "If you just...you'd have a date in no time."

Let me complete that sentence for you with things that people have actually said "... wore more makeup/wore less makeup/lost weight/wore heels/talked about less nerdy things/watched more episodes of "The Bachelor"/talked more/talked less/didn't have such strange hobbies/weren't so opinionated/had more of an opinion/weight-lifted less/didn't work out as hard when you went to the gym/didn't like Star Wars/went to <Insert Hipster Nonsense Name> Club/wore your hair down more..."

I'm sorry, you can't use my being single as an excuse to tell me something that you don't like about me. You want to provide constructive criticism? Fine, I'm all ears. But don't provide me with thinly veiled insults under the guise of trying to find me a potential date.

Also, I am not going to hide who I am just so I can ensnare some poor person, only for them to realize later on that I do wander around my apartment in Batman boxers singing Disney songs. I am who I am, and if I am going to give up my single status, it isn't going to be to someone who is infatuated with a fake version of me.

I know there are probably a billion more similar statements that could be added to this list. Do you have one that makes you want to stick your head in a microwave? Tell me about it.

As always feel free to follow my adventures on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!