Thursday, January 8, 2015

Government Cheese

Hello all! I hope you had a more fantastic week than the thought of a billion fireflies skywriting the lyrics to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man!"

A quick reminder I will be at Hyde Park Books in Boise for a book signing and reading this Sunday, January 11th!

Doesn't This Place Just Look Nifty!
If you happen to be in town come on down for just a peachy-keen time!

For those of you who don't know, I have a very... shall we say interesting job. I am author by night, head of security for a large homeless shelter by day.

This means that, along with telling people not to try to stab others with yogurt, I also get to hear every conspiracy theory that our patrons might wish to impart upon me.

After my third day on the job I started a list, that list is now eight pages long with writing sideways in all the margins. So, just so you all know what is really happening in the world, here are a few things my clients have told me:

The head of the Spokane Police Department is in fact in league with aliens to take over the world.

Apparently the road to world domination goes mid-sized city police chief to sovereign world leader. Who knew?

If you close your eyes and see the color black then you probably have a demon infestation in your brain.

*Closes Eyes* Ah crud-muffins! I see black! You too!? Well, that's it, holy water and exorcisms all around then.

Bill Gates is planning on taking over the world using his X-Boxes to send subliminal messages to people playing video games to eat the wrong kind of yogurt.

This one kind of made sense until we hit yogurt. I mean, who doesn't think that Bill Gates is trying to take over the world at least once in their life? What kind of yogurt is the wrong kind of yogurt? (I actually asked what the 'wrong kind of yogurt' would be, but was told, "Oh, you know.")

Fluoride in the water will start the next zombie apocalypse.

What I found interesting is apparently there was a previous zombie apocalypse. Did I nap through that part of history class?

The police will only take me to jail if I stab the wrong people. 

You're right. If you stab imaginary people then the police will not take you in. If you stab a real person, you might be kind of hosed. 

The FBI and the CIA are creating a massive plan to strip Americans of their cheese rights.

I asked what 'cheese rights' were, and apparently Americans have the rights of life, liberty and cheese. That's right, who knew that Tillamook was actually just defending our basic human rights?

Have you guys heard any fun conspiracies lately?

As always you can find me on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads.


  1. This was too good to keep to myself, therefore hubby got to chuckle along with me. :)

  2. Good, we need to warn as many people as we can about the imminent threat to their right to cheese!