Saturday, January 25, 2014

Who Needs Neverland?

Hello! I hope everyone had a pirate-abduction-free week!

If you have been abducted by pirates, you should write a book, assuming you survived your ordeal.

This week, after I successfully spread jam on my pants, I realized just how amazing it is that the world at large lets me wander through life unsupervised.

Why might I say this? Let me provide you with a few simple reasons:

I Want to Do This, Another Reason Not to Leave me Alone
1. I still eat olives off of the ends of my fingers. I also use Bugles to create dinosaur like claws, and have, in a business meeting made velociraptor noises at a coworker while threatening them with my starchy appendages.
2. There are days (particularly writing days) where I may spend my waking hours wearing Batman boxers and a Captain America t-shirt.

3.  I color. A lot. I am also a little picky about my coloring utensils. (Don't you dare give me crayons! It's all about the colored pencils.)

4. I injure myself in stupid, "Holy turd-muffins did that really just happen!?" ways. In the last week alone I have slipped on the ice and fallen into a bush, dropped a toaster on my head and am currently sporting a rather daring looking burn from when I attempted to make tea and forgot that steam is hot. Seriously, just wrap me in bubble wrap already.

5. Unless rather highly caffeinated, I lack the amount of focus to be an effective adult. This inner-dialogue happens often:

This is Basically My Life, Though, I Do Have Less Fur
"I should write. Hey, look, Facebook! I should really write. Ooooooo a new article about <insert nerdy topic such as "15 Ways the Myers Briggs can be used in tandem with the 16PF for determining job success"\>! No, really I should write. I wonder what so-and-so is up to? I really should write. Why is it 10 pm already!?"

When the entire world is one big, shiny, disco-esque ball of distractions, one needs to have the ability to resolutely focus on the task at hand. Sadly, I have yet to find any such form of resolution.

6. I sometimes feel upset with people that I've had conflicts in my dreams with. It sometimes takes me a while after waking up to not feel a sense of angst towards them. I realize this is completely irrational, yet, when I see them I can't help thinking something like, "How DARE  you throw that trout at my head! You're just lucky I had a tennis racket to defend myself with or I'd be really miffed!"

7. It is nearly impossible for me to clean my apartment without the aid of either Disney music or Broadway show tunes, which, of course, I must sing along to. I cannot imagine the confusion my neighbors must feel on a weekly basis hearing a tenor belt out "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid. You're welcome neighbors.

8. I don't always express emotions that are totally compatible with one another. Rather like the mismatched character in a buddy-cop comedy film, what I am feeling very rarely makes sense in tandem.

Ask me the question, "How are you doing today?" at your own risk. The answer may very well end up being something like, "Oh just dandy, except for that little part of me that wants to drop-kick my work computer from the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro, but otherwise just peachy!"

9. When bored, I develop survival plans for either a zombie apocalypse or for if the movie Jurassic Park were to become a reality. I have an egress and safety plan for nearly every social work agency in Spokane now thanks to meetings that I had to pretend to be fascinated with.

10. There have been days when I have been literally steps from leaving my apartment and thought, "I think something is missing," only to look down and discover that I have forgotten a vital piece of clothing. Last week, I nearly left without wearing a shirt under my vest. I once attempted to trundle off to the gym at o-dark-early without my customary basketball shorts.  I have also gone to the restroom mid-day only to discover that I have somehow managed to put my underwear on inside out.

It's incredible, really, that I'm allowed in public without a posse of people following me to make sure I don't accidentally release Godzilla on the city.What are some reasons that you may not be safe to be let among the populace at large?

Remember the contest to win a free t-shirt will be going until the end of this month! Entering is extremely easy, just vote for "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" to win The People's Choice Award! Then let me know that you've done so either in the comments below or on my Facebook page!

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