Alright folks. I know you're mostly here to find out who won the Terrible Writing Contest for the signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus", so I won't dillydally. I think that should be counted as my good deed for the day.
Thank you to everyone who entered! It was a tough decision. Every entry was truly awful in totally rad ways.
After much deliberation I winnowed down my choices to D.L. Mackenzie's whopper of a sentence:
"A grey pall of boredom--not the ordinary boredom one might experience
while listening to another of Uncle Chet's long-winded tales of his
glory days in the San Jose Police motor pool maintenance crew, but a
rather more sudden and intense lack of stimulation, like a kind of
waking narcolepsy--failed to fall over the room (as might have been
anticipated under the circumstances), for Jolly Jim Fitch had arrived
quite unexpectedly (after having maintained emphatically for days--as he
often did--that he would not do so), bearing liquor and ribald
anecdotes, a welcome departure from the proceedings thus far, but one
which would ultimately prove as disappointingly dull as the surface of a
piece of unfinished furniture left in the driveway of an abandoned
tenement for a couple of months during a rainy spell even wetter than
the rainy spells to which we were now so accustomed since the atomic
bomb blast which had leveled our city, altering the weather, not to
mention apparently touching off the zombie apocalypse Uncle Chet had so
often warned us about."
Congratulations D.L. on devising a sentence/paragraph that makes sense in an almost nonsensical way!
I did also want to also share a couple of Honorable(?) Mentions.
Brian Patrick McKinley:
"The night was moist."
"Hail!" shouted Nathan Hale over the wail of pale hail that hailed down around him, nailing him in the cranium."
Again, thank you to everyone who entered my little contest! If you didn't win this time around, don't worry, another contest will happen soon, I promise.
If you wish to follow my movements more closely without the use of binoculars, you can find me on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn), or Goodreads!