Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

Ahoy mateys! Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

This be one of me favorite holidays! When else can ye threaten to keel-haul someone!?

Don't be forgetting, if ye need something extra to hoist yer sails, then swoop in and grab yerself a copy of "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor!" Don't be a land lubber, get yers smartly!

No need to mutiny to raid some of this treasure, just set yer heading fer Amazon!

In honor of International Talk Like a Pirate Day go get yerself some grog and make merry with these pirate facts (after yer done dancin' the hornpipe, a'course)!

1. Pirates didn't often bury their treasure.

Most pirates, immediately upon landing after a raid, would split up the bounty between the members of the crew. Also, keep in mind that a lot of the goods pilfered were things like coffee, fruit or other foodstuffs that would not have stored well. Pirates smelled bad enough on their own, they didn't need rotting food to help with the stench. Sorry land-lubbers, no maps leading to buried treasure!

2. Pirates were not a long-lived sort.

The average career lifespan for a pirate was about two years. The whole lack of hospitals to treat things like gunshot wounds or scurvy had a tendency to make piracy a very short-sighted career choice.

3. Piracy is older than one might think.

There is documentation of seafaring pirates all the way back to ancient Greece. In fact a group of pirates once captured Julius Caesar and held him for ransom (not realizing who he was). After he was released he had every one of the pirates captured and executed. I wonder if they still said "Arrr!" in ancient Greece?

Anne Bonny ~ Seafaring Badass Woman

4. There were women pirates, who were feared just as much, if not more than their male counterparts.

Anne Bonny and Mary Read were two of the most notorious pirates of their day and were rumored to have fought harder and with more ferocity than any of their male counterparts. Lady Ching Shih ran a Chinese pirate fleet that numbered in the hundreds of ships.

5. Naughty pirates rarely were forced to walk the plank.

If you were caught disobeying one of the many rules on board the pirate ship you were most often just thrown overboard, left on a deserted island or keel hauled (drug across the bottom of a barnacle encrusted ship).

6. Pirates piercing their ears was not just a fashion statement.

It was the widespread belief that piercing one's ears with precious metals improved one's eyesight. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

7. Most pirate crews offered worker's compensation for injuries.

Any limbs, fingers or eyes lost in a raid would gain you extra portions on the plunder on most ships. Not only did you get compensated, but you were often assured that you would not lose your job, despite your injury.

Thar ye have it! Don't forget to lay anchor and come ashore to survey me Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

Utterly Useless Utterances

Hello all! I hope you have all had supercalifragilisticexpialidocious weeks!

Quick reminder: I will be in Boise June 13th for a book signing at Hyde Park Books! 

So one of the top trends on Twitter (which you can find me at @AllisonHawn) this past week was #50FactsAboutMe. I saw this particular hashtag as a challenge and I conquered it by posting 50 facts about myself on Twitter.

Granted, most people wrote things like, "I don't like chocolate," or, "I think puppies are cute," which were all fine and dandy (except how can you not like chocolate!?). My facts were a little, shall we say, less orthodox?

After a some requests from those who caught snippets of my facts throughout the day, I am posting the entire list here (with a few expanded explanations beyond my 140 character limit).

So here they are in all their... glory?

1. I've never understood why there could only be one Highlander, didn't their mothers teach them to share?

2. I am only a couple of cats and one sweatervest away from becoming a crazy cat lady.

3. I am missing one of my vital organs, and am still alive. This makes me either a medical miracle or a zombie, you pick.

4. When I don't sleep, everything starts to taste like Cheetos. So Cheetos taste like "lack of sleep" to me.

5. I am incapable of digesting anything with hooves (see fact #3). Sorry chickens and fish, you're still fair game.

6. I have never thought pugs were cute. (It's that breathing sound they make. Nightmares).

7. I do not believe that Wheaties are the breakfast of champions.

8. I could eat sushi and Pad Thai every day for rest of my life, which would be short due to nutritional deficits from eating only sushi and Pad Thai.

9. I like to talk to hipsters about bands I made up to see if they will claim to have heard them.

10. I have eaten chicken's feet. They taste like rubber bands.

11. I once started a mosh pit a Christian rock concert out of sheer boredom.

12. I have often wondered if I replace all the blood in my body with caffeine if I could become immortal.

13. I once taught myself to twiddle my toes. (It was pretty much the only thing I truly learned in that class too.)

14. I can't juggle. I am really good at throwing things on the floor, though.

15. I titled my first published book "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" on mistake.

16. I've always wanted to learn how to be a fire eater.

17. I believe that kale, in all of its forms, is disgusting.

18. I attribute my strong immune system to my childhood penchant for attempting to eat pennies.

19. I have a slight addiction to pomegranate juice. I may have once tackled someone for some.

20. I judge people who believe that the "Star Wars" prequels were better than the original trilogy.

21. I've always wanted Batman's utility belt. Do you know how useful that would be?

22. At 25 years old, I still get carded to see rated R movies.

23. I once ate a full baby octopus. Slimiest food ever.

24. I hate polka with a fiery burning passion.

25. I just sang, "We're halfway there, oooOooooh livin' on a prayer!"

26. I am writing these facts to procrastinate cleaning my bathroom.

27. I have worn a kilt to work on multiple occasions.

28. I'm not a huge fan of sugar, but I will kill for red velvet cake.

29. I have all the lyrics to Smash Mouth's "All Star" completely memorized.

30. I can sunburn in less than ten minutes. I'm so pale I'm practically translucent.

31. When I run I look less like a graceful gazelle and more like a drunk baby deer.

32. I've never understood why the popularity of the phrase YOLO (for those of you not exposed to obnoxious people "You Only Live Once") didn't make people more paranoid and cautious.

33. I honestly want to know how much wood a woodchuck could chuck. I need numbers people!

34. I get much of my news from The Daily Show because it's the only way I can watch current events without hating humanity.

35. I never liked the T.V. show Lost. There were so many plot holes and lame dialogue moments.

36. I don't own a television. In fact, I have never owned my own television.

37. I still own a dumb phone. That's right, I am a technological dinosaur.

 38. I solve Rubik's Cubes... with a screwdriver.

39. Some people have a favorite singer, artist or celebrity. I have a favorite philosopher.

40. I am extremely suspicious of cattle.

41. I hate the play Hamlet, but still manage to love "The Lion King."

42. I have multiple music playlists that feature both heavy metal and Disney music on them.

43. As a kid, I wanted to be a velociraptor when I grew up.

44. My coworkers have gotten used to me bringing coloring books and colored pencils to meetings.

45. I procrastinate doing useful things by doing other less hated useful things.

46. I am a herbicidal maniac, I kill plants.

47. My foot fell asleep, I'm jealous.

48. I am not a giant fan of holding babies. There is just so much noise/goo/smell that can happen.

49. I've read "The Hobbit" nine times now... because I am that much of a nerd.

50. I have a scar from making Scottish shortbread.

Want to know more? You can always find me on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn), and Goodreads!