Feeling Very Small

Hello all, I hope you have all had a magical week full of wonderful adventures, or at least managed to not spill coffee on your lap while you're driving (I feel like those two things are tantamount).

This week I made one of those 'I'm really an adult now' decisions: I bought a Costco membership. What can I say, they sell my Kashi granola bars in mass bulk and I can buy 90 pounds of cheese at a time if I want to (now storing that much cheese is another matter entirely).

I hadn't really been Costco shopping since I was much, much younger, and revisiting this magical place of consumerism was kind of like forging forth into a brand new world.

So here are the things I learned about Costco on my maiden shopping voyage with my new membership card in hand.

1. Ever need to feel like a kid again? Just push a Costco shopping cart around for a while. 

Shopping Cart: Juggernaut Edition

No seriously. I am 5' 2" tall and was holding the camera in the picture to the right at about the level of my neck.

That cart came up to my collar bone and could have easily fit two of me in the giant basket. I wanted to test this theory by actually climbing in, but employees were already giving me strange looks, so I decided against it.

2. Every Costco shopping aisle comes with at least one old bickering couple.

Without fail, I would wander down an aisle to see two, obviously married, senior citizens saying something along the lines of, "Ethel, I don't want the raspberry jam, I want the strawberry jam!"

Ethel would then let out a deep sigh and retort with, "Well, I bought the strawberry jam last month, and halfway through you said you were sick of it! So this month we're getting raspberry so that I don't have to listen to you whine about getting bored of the strawberry jam!"

Somehow, the women always seemed to be winning.

3. Shopping at Costco is kind of like getting in touch with nature... because there are birds.

It was actually a little serene to be wandering up and down the concrete floored aisles listening to the very overweight birds chirp happily above. At the same time it was slightly terrifying, though, because there was a chance one of them might bomb you as you walked underneath.

4. Not only do they make bottles of tequila in five gallon sizes, but Costco sells them.

 I feel like if you're buying Costco kegs of tequila, and you don't own a bar, are planning on having a party for a hundred people or live with nineteen roommates, you might want to admit you have a problem. Also, it's a good thing that Costco sells lemons and salt in bulk, because you are going to need it.

5. It is actually okay to go shopping hungry at Costco, because they give out samples.

I have never had so many different types of food provided to me in little plastic shot-glass form, but I definitely approve. I rather wish that this was standard for all food selling stores.

6. Costco is the Mecca of Muffins.

Holy muffin top Batman! Not only have I never seen such a myriad of different muffins, but the muffins were huge!

7. I am now stocked on certain items for the rest of my life.

I needed trash bags. Now I probably have enough trash bags to suit all my trash needs for the foreseeable future and still have enough left over to assist in the disposal of everyone on my 'should not still be walking around on this planet' list.

8. Who needs the gym when you've got a Costco membership!

Seriously, getting those giant bags of cheese up and down the stairs is an intense workout all on its own. They will nicely box your purchases up for you, but then those boxes will weigh about the same amount as Val Kilmer does now, so good luck!  

So, what wonderful Costco revelations have you had?

As always, I can be found on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

Yo-ho! Yo-ho! The Hermit Life for Me!

Hello everyone! I hope your weeks have all been more fantastic than the thought of narwhals playing rugby!

Just a quick reminder I will be at Auntie's Bookstore in Spokane for the Triple Threat Book Book Signing Event at noon on June 28th! Authors Katelyn Schneider, Su Williams and I will be there to sign books, answer questions and chat with anyone who wants to join us!

I have occasionally been accused of being a bit hermit-esque. The reason for this is that when someone suggests that we go somewhere downtown I have a tendency to be a bit resistant (and by "resistant" I mean the phrase, "Heck no!" often escapes my mouth).

This is in no way because I wish to avoid people. I love people. What I do not love is working on my weekends.

Being in social work, there are very few places I can go in Spokane where I won't be spotted by a client, past client, client's friend who met me once, someone who my client told I am a social worker...

Now don't get me wrong, I love my clients. What I don't love is when I'm not working and I end up having someone wander up to me in line at the bank, while I'm doing laundry at the laundromat or while I'm outside at a coffee shop enjoying a mocha, and verbally vomiting drama all over my previously crisis-free day.

Of course, it doesn't matter how much I try to avoid the client hotspots, they still find me.

Do I sound a touch paranoid? Well, before you start looking up numbers for local mental health specialists, read on! 

A couple weeks ago I went grocery shopping, which sounds innocent enough.

Grocery shopping for me is an activity that normally I treat like a spy on a secret mission. I quickly dart from aisle to aisle, grabbing my peanut butter and ibuprofen, as I scan the world around me for potential accidental case management situations. I have even leaped inside one of those round clothing racks to avoid eye contact with a particularly needy client.

That poor store attendant had probably never had to ask an adult to get out of one of those clothing racks before. I'm glad I could provide that first time experience for her.

This particular day I had only a few things to pick up, and I so I dashed through the store grabbing my few items. I paid for my purchases and headed for an exit, the glorious sunlight pouring in through the gaping maw of an automatic door. Freedom was so close.

And then I was spotted. I was three steps from getting outside, where I could logically have made a  run for it, when I heard my name called. One of my clients yelled, "Al!" and trotted over asking, "What are you doing here?"

I looked around at the aisles of groceries and then back at the client, "Umm... knitting sweaters for penguins, what else would I be doing here?"

The client immediately started pawing through my cart (which is rather typical when I get caught at the grocery store). Before I had a chance to give them my customary, "Get out of there!" they spotted my giant box of kitty litter.

"Do you have a kitty? Meow?" (Yes, the "Meow" was actually verbally said like I needed a second way to translate what they meant by "kitty.")

I smiled, "Nope, I thought I'd give the whole cat litter thing a try. I mean, if it works so well for cats, why can't it work for me!?"

The client's mouth dropped open and they flung down the kitty litter like it was suddenly made of mating cockroaches. I pushed my cart towards the door as I called back, "I'll be in the office at eight am on Monday, see you then!"


Of course, there are some lessons that can be pulled from the cart of experience.

1. Sometimes if someone is a hermit they have their reasons.

2. If you want to go into social work one of the side effects of your job will be constant client-sighting paranoia.

3. Apparently there is a way to keep clients from approaching you in the store anymore, just claim you poop in a box and they'll never try it again!

Want more fun from my life as a social worker? Don't forget to check out Case (Un)Managed! 

If you want to follow my crazy without trying to find me at a grocery store you can find me on Facebook, Twitter (@Allison Hawn) and Goodreads!