Friday, February 6, 2015

Feeling Very Small

Hello all, I hope you have all had a magical week full of wonderful adventures, or at least managed to not spill coffee on your lap while you're driving (I feel like those two things are tantamount).

This week I made one of those 'I'm really an adult now' decisions: I bought a Costco membership. What can I say, they sell my Kashi granola bars in mass bulk and I can buy 90 pounds of cheese at a time if I want to (now storing that much cheese is another matter entirely).

I hadn't really been Costco shopping since I was much, much younger, and revisiting this magical place of consumerism was kind of like forging forth into a brand new world.

So here are the things I learned about Costco on my maiden shopping voyage with my new membership card in hand.

1. Ever need to feel like a kid again? Just push a Costco shopping cart around for a while. 

Shopping Cart: Juggernaut Edition
No seriously. I am 5' 2" tall and was holding the camera in the picture to the right at about the level of my neck.

That cart came up to my collar bone and could have easily fit two of me in the giant basket. I wanted to test this theory by actually climbing in, but employees were already giving me strange looks, so I decided against it.

2. Every Costco shopping aisle comes with at least one old bickering couple.

Without fail, I would wander down an aisle to see two, obviously married, senior citizens saying something along the lines of, "Ethel, I don't want the raspberry jam, I want the strawberry jam!"

Ethel would then let out a deep sigh and retort with, "Well, I bought the strawberry jam last month, and halfway through you said you were sick of it! So this month we're getting raspberry so that I don't have to listen to you whine about getting bored of the strawberry jam!"

Somehow, the women always seemed to be winning.

3. Shopping at Costco is kind of like getting in touch with nature... because there are birds.

It was actually a little serene to be wandering up and down the concrete floored aisles listening to the very overweight birds chirp happily above. At the same time it was slightly terrifying, though, because there was a chance one of them might bomb you as you walked underneath.

4. Not only do they make bottles of tequila in five gallon sizes, but Costco sells them.

 I feel like if you're buying Costco kegs of tequila, and you don't own a bar, are planning on having a party for a hundred people or live with nineteen roommates, you might want to admit you have a problem. Also, it's a good thing that Costco sells lemons and salt in bulk, because you are going to need it.

5. It is actually okay to go shopping hungry at Costco, because they give out samples.

I have never had so many different types of food provided to me in little plastic shot-glass form, but I definitely approve. I rather wish that this was standard for all food selling stores.

6. Costco is the Mecca of Muffins.

Holy muffin top Batman! Not only have I never seen such a myriad of different muffins, but the muffins were huge!

7. I am now stocked on certain items for the rest of my life.

I needed trash bags. Now I probably have enough trash bags to suit all my trash needs for the foreseeable future and still have enough left over to assist in the disposal of everyone on my 'should not still be walking around on this planet' list.

8. Who needs the gym when you've got a Costco membership!

Seriously, getting those giant bags of cheese up and down the stairs is an intense workout all on its own. They will nicely box your purchases up for you, but then those boxes will weigh about the same amount as Val Kilmer does now, so good luck!  

So, what wonderful Costco revelations have you had?

As always, I can be found on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and Goodreads!

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