No Room to Judge

Hello all! I hope your weeks have all gone better than the thought of a reenactment of Guardians of the Galaxy performed by cats.

I recently had a moment that reminded me that, while everyone's perceptions of reality are different, mine are probably a little more warped than your average Jill.

It's not that I don't believe that other people have strange occurrences in their lives, I know they do! It's more a matter of frequency.

Having worked in the past as a street outreach worker, a bouncer, a concert house lighting technician and my current job as the head of security for a homeless shelter means that I've been exposed to a myriad of strange experiences. (Need proof? Check out my two books.)

It has gotten to the point where chaos and bizarre circumstances almost feel natural to me. I'm sure that someone else would look at a man dressed in a green, full-body, spandex suit running around screaming, "I'm a leprechaun! I'm a leprechaun!" and find that a rather rare, if not scary, experience. For me, I just call that Tuesday.

I did not realize how much my perceptions of what 'normal' and 'sane' had been skewed until recently, at the end of a work day, when I happened to look up at the television screen that had been flipped on for the clients to watch. On the screen, I found myself looking at a grown woman tap dancing while dressed as a ladybug.

For a brief moment I watched the woman and actually thought to myself, "Wow, TV-land is one weird place."

Then I paused for a second and realized that not five minutes before I had just ended an hour-long battle with a woman who refused to wear pants because they were 'of the devil.' The only way I could get the only-t-shirt-clad woman to put something on her lower half, was to convince her that because this was a Catholic owned shelter, the pants' very presence in this building meant that they were safe from any form of possession.

Before that I had been forced to stop a heated argument between two grown men over whose tattoo was more faded, and earlier that morning I had to tell someone that iguanas were not technically service animals.

I looked back up at the woman on the screen, dancing her heart out in her little red and black costume and realized, I probably was no longer a great judge of what constituted as 'weird.'

You do you ladybug lady, you do you.

Anyone else have any perception revelations of late?

In other news, "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" has garnered itself another five star review! Reader Brenda writes, "A great escape into the unknown and the funny. This is a quirky, off-beat tale that filled me with delight. The author has unusual voice that had me laughing out loud. A bit on the bizarre side that I took pleasure in."

See the full review here! 

Don't forget to follow me on Facebook and Twitter, and check out my books on Amazon! 

Weapons for Everyone!

 Hello all! I hope you have all had a better week than a thought of Game of Thrones: The Opera!

"Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" has been out for nearly a month now, and so far the feedback I've been getting from readers has been awesome!

In her review reader Charissa said, "Even better than her first book. A group of real life stories that will keep you giggling all day long!"

Your very own copy of "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" is only one Amazon click away!

Well, for those of you who don't know, I transitioned jobs about three months ago. I am now the Security Coordinator for the largest homeless shelter and drop-in center in Spokane.

What does that mean? Basically, I'm the floor case manager. I keep everyone calm and and spend a majority of my time doing emotional triage.

For instance, this past week I got in the face of gang banger, who was at least a foot taller than me, and told him if he didn't behave I would make sure he didn't get cake for a week, and then reminded him where he could get a voucher for a new ID.

He sat quietly for the rest of the day before he went to go get his new state ID.

One aspect of my job that I have to check in or confiscate any and all weapons that I see. So far the items piled up in my office have been fascinating, and often at the end of the day I find myself pondering the life choices that I made to end up sitting with half of a skateboard under my desk.

How strange are the items I end up with? Here, check it out for yourself, and believe me this is not even close to an extensive or complete list:

Sword - I originally thought the sword was a fake plastic one until I picked up and realized, nope, that's a real sword. The super delusional person who it belonged informed me that it could magically keep away, "Communists and prosthetic chicken leg salesmen."

Hat Rack - Because why not bludgeon in style?

Knife Carved Out of a Salad Tong - "Hey, why do you have a salad to-- Is that a knife!?"

The Leaf From a Table - Somewhere there is a person whose table will forever only be able to seat four people, never six.

Glitter and Rainbow Paint Covered Metal Rod - At least this person wanted to bring some joy to the world with his deadly weapon.

Chainsaw - "I don't care that it's out of gas! You can't bring it in here!"

Crossbow - Again, not a toy, but an actual bolt shooting crossbow. No, I have no clue how this person obtained a crossbow. What I do know is it got to sit in my office for a good long time.

The Duck Mace - As in a metal rod that someone had tied a string to and on the other end of that string was a rubber duck. I wasn't going to let someone go medieval with a duck mace.

The Handle to a Lawn Mower - We have no idea where the rest of the lawn mower is, and to be honest we don't want to know.

A Can of "Fresh-Laundry" Scented Febreeze - It was used to both mace people and bludgeon them, but left them smelling fresh and clean!

All in all, the job is going fairly well, chainsaw aside. Does anyone else have any fun work confiscations they'd like to share?

Remember you can always find me on Facebook, Twitter (@AllisonHawn) and  Goodreads!

Some Delightful Banter

Hello Ladies, Gentlemen and any fish that have a clear view of a computer screen from their bowl. I hope everyone's week was splendid.

Mine was... interesting? There are only so many times in one's life that one gets mistaken for a patron saint. I think it's even rarer to be mistaken for Saint Sebastian (pictured to the right) when one is both alive and female.

Apparently being on mass amounts of meth, and who knows what else, can influence a person to believe that a female standing just over five feet tall could in fact be the patron saint of archers. Who knew?

Also, can I point out the ironic sense of humor the Catholic Church must have had in naming the unfortunate fellow to the right the patron saint of archers? I'm not sure that if I were an archer I would necessarily feel very protected just looking at the paintings of Saint Sebastian.

A quick reminder: The contest to win a signed copy of "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" ends this Sunday. All you have to do to enter is write the most terrible opening line to a story that you can think of and post it either on the contest post my Facebook page or in the comments section on the post you will get if you follow this link: Enter

Today on Normally Surreal we are joined by author Chris Westlake who wrote, "Just a Bit of Banter, Like..."

What do you do when your well-established life falls apart? In "Just a Bit of Banter, Like..." author Chris Westlake explores this question with his main character Nick. Nick has a pretty awesome life, a pretty girlfriend, a good job a group of friends, but over the course of a couple of days he finds his situation almost completely reversed.

As Westlake unfolds the story of a young man returning to his native Wales and family, readers are immersed in the story as Nick tries to discover himself, while solving several little mysteries along the way. The author does an good job inserting the reader into the head of the main character as Nick tries to pull his life back together.

Funny, sad, interesting and introspective, readers will certainly find something to love in "Just a Bit of Banter, Like..."

Here to talk about his work himself is author Chris Westlake!

1. How would you describe "Just a Bit of Banter, Like..." to curious minds?

Hi Allison, thanks for inviting me here!
 

"Just a Bit of Banter, Like..." tells the story if Nick, a twenty-something from Wales who is living the high-life in the city. The readers probably won't like him too much at first. The guy is all image - you know the type - good job, plenty of cash and a trophy girlfriend on his arm. Right from the very first chapter, though, he is on a downward spiral. He catches his girlfriend in an uncompromising position with his best mate, he loses his job after unintentionally sending him an email telling him to shove things were 'the sun don't shine' and before we know it, he is catching the London Paddington to Bridgend with his tail between his legs.

This is where the reader - hopefully - starts to realise that Nick isn't such a bad guy after all. Scrape away at the artificial coating and a sensitive guy just trying to make sense of the world is hidden underneath.

There are a number of overlapping storylines all competing for attention - what secrets is best friend Den hiding? Why have Mum and Nan not spoken to each other for as long as Nick can remember? And where has school friend Sam disappeared to?

The general tone is light-hearted and there are plenty of laughs, but the book does explore a number of more serious issues - the impact of family feud, missing people and dementia.

2. What inspired you to write this book?

Well, I felt the time was right to write a full length novel. I'd spent a few years concentrating on writing short stories and I had won some competitions. It had always been my intention to move on a novel.

Why this book in particular, though? Well, as it was my first book, I wanted to be realistic. I didn't want to write War and Peace. I wanted to get the basics right - involving characters, a good storyline; a book that was enjoyable and entertaining. And I think "Just a Bit of Banter, Like..." achieves that goal pretty well.

3. Your characters seem very real, how much of this book was based off of actual events or people you know?

I'd say the characters are a mix of personality traits from hundreds of different people I've met in my life. But the traits are put in a blender and the people who come out are very different.

4. How much of this book is autobiographical?

Well, in a backwards kind of way, quite a bit. Just like Nick, I moved from rural Wales to London when I was in my early twenties and I guess I was pretty superficial, too. It definitely felt like I was doing well, leaving home and moving to the big city. I've never moved back to Wales, though. I know live in Birmingham, another big city, but a city that is still dwarfed by London. My nan and gramps had dementia, and so that storyline has a personal element. 

On the other hand, I've never had a missing friend, my mum and nan have always been close and my own dad has always been one of my heroes.

5. If you had to choose one of your characters to compete in a three-legged race with, who would you choose and why?

Oh my days, that is an interesting question!

Probably Nick's mother. She has amazing determination; she would do absolutely everything possible to get to the line first. If she is able to stop talking for a minute, of course. Three-legged races are more about co-ordination and team-work than physical ability, and she is a practical, rational thinking woman. We would have it in the bag!

6. If you wanted readers to walk away with one giant takeaway lesson from your book, what would that lesson be?

These questions are getting harder, Allison? :) I think that is quite tough because I made a conscious effort not to send a message. The story is more an observation of life rather than an interpretation of it. I'd quite like readers to reach all different conclusions from reading the book. It is all about prompting them to think for themselves. But then, sub-consciously, I have probably not been completely objective! I suspect some readers may think I'd like them to reconsider what is important in life, that friends and family are much more important than material things. But honestly - hand on heart - that wasn't my intention.

Their Flag Has a Dragon... Points for Wales

7. You are a Welsh author. For those on this side of the pond, what would you most want Americans to know about the Welsh culture?

Welsh culture is very close-knit and unashamedly patriotic. I think this is partly because of the size of the country. We are surrounded by our larger neighbour, England, in every direction. We absolutely love beating England at rugby, which to be fair, happens a fair bit nowadays. Traditionally a focal point of Welsh life has been the pub. There are two main cities in Wales - Cardiff (the capital) and Swansea. A considerable part of the country is rural, with small communities. I think generally we like the rest of the world to know that there is more to the UK than London and no, Wales is not in England! But from my experience, Americans already have more knowledge about Wales than other countries do.

8. How did you get started in writing and what other works have you written?

I always knew that I would write, it was a matter of time. I wrote stories as a kid but then school, University and work all got in the way. And then I decided it was definitely time to pull my finger out. In 2010 I enrolled on an online writers course. My tutor said that I was a very good writer and that was a massive boost. I wrote some letters to magazines and some got published and I earned some extra pocket-money. I started writing short stories and got some published and I won some competitions.

My stories have been published in Fight or Flight, The Heatwave of 76, The Road Home, which can be found at Stringybark Stories. For readers who are not feint-hearted, Sex in Sin City can be found in the xcite anthology Dark Pleasures.

9. Where can interested readers find your book?

To be honest the best place is my website, www.chriswestlake.co.uk (yes, I know, very original). It has  details of everything that I have had published and links to where they can be bought. Oh, and feel free to check out the blog!

10. If you had to choose between defending yourself, using only a butter knife, against a fully-grown angry gorilla or be forced to listen to operas played in reverse for 24 hours, which would you choose?

Oh, that's usually the first question I get asked! Joke.

It has to be the opera option. The gorilla option is a lose-lose. Either I end up hurting a gorilla, which I wouldn't want, or I get my butt handed to by a gorilla, which I wouldn't want, either. And my money is on the gorilla. With the opera, it is just 24 hours of pain and then I can get on with life. Unless of course the music keeps playing in my head....

If you want to know more about Chris Westlake check out his website or his Twitter!



As always, you can find me lurking on Twitter (@AllisonHawn), Facebook and Goodreads!

The Short List

Hello all! I hope everyone is having a more fantastic Sunday than the thought of a thousand lemmings synchronized swimming to "Bittersweet Symphony."

Well, to start out "Life is a Circus Run by a Platypus" has been getting some pretty sweet reviews!

Amazon user Annie_Larlee writes, "Allison is able to write so descriptively that you feel like you are right there beside her as she experiences each story! This is a must-read if you want to have a good laugh and see a snap shot of the life Allison lives!!! I would recommend it to all of my friends, family and acquaintances!"

The book has also been making it all around the country!

Here it is in Georgia (thanks to B.S. Johnson for the picture):

Here it is with the contest winner Jill JP Palmquist in Washington:

And here it is in California (thanks to Marty M. for the picture):

Well, it has been a crazy (about two steps away from psychotic crazy) week for me. In one week I got a new job, moved to a new apartment and was called "darling" by no less than four different people.

If I have seemed oddly silent, it's not because I'm dead, though, with how my life tends to progress, that is a fair assumption to make. 

I am currently sitting in a coffee shop scalping internet, as my home internet will not be hooked up for a bit yet, as I very slowly drink a mocha that I am relatively sure has enough sugar in it to give a weasel an aneurysm.  Good thing I'm slightly bigger than a weasel, huh?

One of the things that moving has made abundantly clear is that I am short. This point was especially exemplified when I went to hang my shower curtain in my new bathroom, stepped up into the tub (which is about 6 inches off the ground) and my friend Sarah said, "Wow, even with you standing in a tub I'm still taller than you."

I was about to protest, until I looked over and realized I was making eye contact with her for the first time ever without having to crane my neck upwards, and yes, she was still a good inch or two taller than me.

Being 5'3" (on a good day and sometimes only if I stand on my tippy-toes) means that a lot of my conversations feel like this:

O.k., so I'm short, which has its admitted downsides (no pun intended). I can't reach the top cabinets without imitating a spider monkey, I would need a pogo stick to ever compete in a hurdle race and it is much easier for people to condescendingly pat me on the head than most.

Despite these issues, I think that being short has some clear advantages. So if you are short, like me, I encourage you to bring up these points next time someone mocks your vertically challenged state.

1. Short people tend to have mad hide and seek skills. Remember that box that you never thought anyone would ever curl up in?

Yeah, we've been in that box for 45 minutes and are perfectly comfortable.

2. We are built lower to the ground, meaning that when we fall it's a shorter distance to the ground. It's also a lot less effort to get back up again.

3. We tend not to have this problem:

4. These guys are short, and they are awesome!

5. Our lives spent as short people have improved our ability to climb things.

6. We have a lower center of gravity and are built low to the ground for speed an accuracy.

See, being short isn't terrible. So we occasionally need help reaching things out of our own kitchen cabinets and spend a lot of time examining peoples' nostrils, but at least we're harder to find, thwart or push over!

Well, I had best go before the coffee shop people begin to suspect me of plotting a caffeine fueled revolt. Remember you can always follow my exploits on Facebook, Twitter and Goodreads!