Friday, September 26, 2014

Weapons for Everyone!

 Hello all! I hope you have all had a better week than a thought of Game of Thrones: The Opera!

"Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" has been out for nearly a month now, and so far the feedback I've been getting from readers has been awesome!

In her review reader Charissa said, "Even better than her first book. A group of real life stories that will keep you giggling all day long!"

Your very own copy of "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor" is only one Amazon click away!

Well, for those of you who don't know, I transitioned jobs about three months ago. I am now the Security Coordinator for the largest homeless shelter and drop-in center in Spokane.

What does that mean? Basically, I'm the floor case manager. I keep everyone calm and and spend a majority of my time doing emotional triage.

For instance, this past week I got in the face of gang banger, who was at least a foot taller than me, and told him if he didn't behave I would make sure he didn't get cake for a week, and then reminded him where he could get a voucher for a new ID.

He sat quietly for the rest of the day before he went to go get his new state ID.

One aspect of my job that I have to check in or confiscate any and all weapons that I see. So far the items piled up in my office have been fascinating, and often at the end of the day I find myself pondering the life choices that I made to end up sitting with half of a skateboard under my desk.

How strange are the items I end up with? Here, check it out for yourself, and believe me this is not even close to an extensive or complete list:

Sword - I originally thought the sword was a fake plastic one until I picked up and realized, nope, that's a real sword. The super delusional person who it belonged informed me that it could magically keep away, "Communists and prosthetic chicken leg salesmen."

Hat Rack - Because why not bludgeon in style?

Knife Carved Out of a Salad Tong - "Hey, why do you have a salad to-- Is that a knife!?"

The Leaf From a Table - Somewhere there is a person whose table will forever only be able to seat four people, never six.

Glitter and Rainbow Paint Covered Metal Rod - At least this person wanted to bring some joy to the world with his deadly weapon.

Chainsaw - "I don't care that it's out of gas! You can't bring it in here!"

Crossbow - Again, not a toy, but an actual bolt shooting crossbow. No, I have no clue how this person obtained a crossbow. What I do know is it got to sit in my office for a good long time.

The Duck Mace - As in a metal rod that someone had tied a string to and on the other end of that string was a rubber duck. I wasn't going to let someone go medieval with a duck mace.

The Handle to a Lawn Mower - We have no idea where the rest of the lawn mower is, and to be honest we don't want to know.

A Can of "Fresh-Laundry" Scented Febreeze - It was used to both mace people and bludgeon them, but left them smelling fresh and clean!

All in all, the job is going fairly well, chainsaw aside. Does anyone else have any fun work confiscations they'd like to share?

Remember you can always find me on FacebookTwitter (@AllisonHawn) and  Goodreads!

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